AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

It's even more selfish of men to just be a sperm donor then not pull their weight at parenting their children.

To be fair there’s no discussion to be had. If he doesn’t want children it’s not going to happen.

If it really is that important to you OP then yes you will have to leave. Just bear in mind it might be quite gruelling if you decide to have children alone (or even if you have a partner tbh)

From the experience of others, the feeling never goes away.

An aunt - her husband strung her along, she then gave up in her 40s because she thought it was too late.
She was financially stable, lots of nieces and nephews, travelled a lot and mixed with decision makers internationally but was extremely unhappy.
Then at 50 yrs, she surprised everyone and adopted her first baby and at 53 yrs the second. She is like a different person, so very happy, always smiling, very positive. She's fulfilled.

A very high ranking boss at my work, is in her late 50s, always wanted kids. Her mother wouldn't approve any of her suitors. So she never married and felt she couldn't do it a single person. Then she felt she was too old. Her mum then needed more care, moved in with her. She constantly talked about how she really wanted and wants kids. Her mum's response was if you really wanted, you would have married someone or used a sperm donor.
She lost her mind.
Moved her mother out and is now NC with her mum. And talks about her sadness at not having kids. A lot. She's achieved a lot and is well respected but this one regret really affects her.

I think it's selfish of men in second marriages to not want further children. I do think it will be hard as SP though esp as you are disabled. Think through all the options carefully. You sound very capable.

Mum mum has a friend (she's now almost 60) and she gave up children for her DH. Similar situation as he already had a child. She still regrets it now poor woman. It's so sad

I have two had friends who were never with the right partner at the right time and regret never having children. Another friend got pregnant accidentally from a fling, kept the baby and never regretted it. You should follow your heart.

@spottedinthewild I think if you have a super strong relationship, it could work out with no kids but my friend has floated in and out of heavy depression as a result. The other has a huge load of resentment at her husband as he has his kids but she has nothing. Agree with others who mentioned your fertility drops significantly at 37 so bear that in mind. It's a tough decision but in your place, id have split up. I'll bet your husband changes his mind when faced with you leaving though would you want that

Yes I'm really not getting this. How is this possible 🤣

I agree! I think he’s been lying the whole time

I'm amazed a Dr agreed to perform a vasectomy on a man in his early 20s with no children. You must have known that someone who would take such drastic steps is likely to never want children of his own.

Sounds more like it was a carrot on a stick- if you truly ever wanted to have children he would have tried to reverse the snip as soon as u had this discussion.

Tell him if he won't agree you will be going to a sperm bank. Then it's up go him what he does next.

I don't agree with the first option of your poll. Your relationship is not great. Your husband has been stringing you along with false promises. Someone who loves you and cares for you would not do that to you.

It’s pretty unusual for a man in his 20s with no kids to have the snip… most men would put off getting that done for many reasons. I don’t think he ever wanted kids. Ever.

Yet his stepchild is already an adult. And thinks of him as her dad.

He had the snip in his 20s despite never having his own child anyway? I'm surprised a doctor agreed to that.
It doesn't indicate that he REALLY never wanted his own children. OP is you want children leave and do it now.

This all sounds complicated. If he had had a vasectomy young (interesting how difficult it is for a woman to be sterilised young) surely that gives off vibes he doesn’t want more children

I wouldn’t go down the sperm donor route as I don’t think that is fair on the resultant child (and you need to think about the child not just your want to have a child)

@spottedinthewild in a way be thankful he's been honest to you, at least you can make an informed decision. I have two friends whose partners either said they wanted children or who they hoped would want them. Both still with their partners but both incredibly sad that they didn't have children.

You think you love him, but the love you have for a child is completely different and powerful

I wonder if he has had a vasectomy and not told you? Just one reason he would only consider adoption before..it seems odd, something is off! If hes nit interested in having chikdren im amazed adoption ever came up. Thats a tough process! Either that or he is worried about your body changing. I doubt it's anxiety about your spine if the doctor says it's OK.

I would have an honest chat whether he wants to talk or not. Tell him that now your 34 it's a dealbreaker because you want kids. I got pregnant at 34 and 36 easily but at 37 I couldn't get pregnant at all.

You have to walk away from a person who doesn't share your life goals. Children are a big issue. You may regret not having a child for the rest of your life.

*sorry for typos :)

Go..! The day you will hold tour child in your arms you will thabk heaven and stars and everything else that you made this decision. You will never ever in milion years regret having a child, you will sticking with a nanchild that gaslights you and distracts you from living your life the way you want to.