AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

I think if the thought of having a child consumes you, then your relationship is doomed anyway.

You’ll end up breaking up but it might not be for a few more years even if will be too late to have kids.

I think you have already made up your mind about which is more important: your DH or having a baby.
You’ve chosen the baby.

I would move out asap.
Moving out and officially separating will give you chance to really cement what you want.
But it will also give you time to find someone else.

I would be single for 6 months and then start dating.
If after a year you have not found anyone, then I would look down the sperm bank route.

If you are not wanting to have a relationship then I’d still wait at least 6 months before going down the sperm bank route.

Things to note:
Your DH is not going to take you back once you’ve left and had a child (I think you’re hoping he will or that he’ll not want you to leave and change his mind about having kids).
You will possibly not be able to date for at least 10 years.

I knew a wonderful woman who sacrificed having children for her husband. After she turned 40 she realised she wanted to try and had years of IVF, all failed. Her marriage broke up which wasn't surprising as he utterly selfish.

My heart goes out to her as poured love into her nieces but it just wasn't the same.

Raising a baby solo is super hard, the lack of sleep, the sole responsibility, physical, emotional and financial can feel completely overwhelming. You will be depleted of energy and drained, at times, to a level you have never experienced before. I didn't have to parent solo but did have a friend who did. She moved to be close to her parents which was a massive help.

However I now have adult DC and they have brought me enormous joy and pride. I can't imagine not having had those experiences.

MN is not the best place to get useful, experienced, unbiased info about being a solo mum by choice. Try facebook (Solo Mothers By Choice UK is the biggest and most active group). Lots of SMBCs on instagram too though many of them are wannabe influencers who post all the positives and none of the struggles.

Right?

Did you both discuss your feelings about children before getting married?

@Reugny I think having a vasectomy is a pretty big clue!

The rush for a sperm donor is because some women can't get pregnant.

The OP needs to have her fertility looked at first before deciding what path to take.

Edited to add: my DD goes to school with children in all sorts of families. There are single parents who don't have family support for a variety of reasons. They manage like everyone one else.

I think you would really resent it if you stayed with him and gave up your chance of having children. I do know somebody who had a donor baby on her own, she has never regretted it. In her case she just hadn't met the right person. It was hard work at the beginning but her family pitched in to help.

The reason he doesn't want children is he doesn't want them.

I know plenty of women who don't want children and never have.

The problem is stringing the OP along.

He should have made it clear from the outset that he was not having any children and if she wanted them then they weren't compatible.

I haven’t voted because I’m so torn. The trouble is what you so desperately want your husband already has and has ‘been there, done that, for the t-shirt’. If you’re 100% sure you want to go it alone, you need to know it will be hard as a single parent. I was one for many years and it’s hard. I bet it will be even tougher when your child starts wondering about their daddy. Could you leave and give yourself a deadline (maybe a year) to meet someone who wants kids and take it from there?

Single parenthood isn’t what many people would choose, if something should happen to you, what sort of support network would your child have? Have you siblings/parents who would play an active part in your child’s life?
someone once said to me that we should try and give our children the widest support network possible either through family/friends combination of both and I have to agree with that.
I know someone who has gone down a similar route, she has siblings with children of a similar age and a wide circle of friends and doesn’t regret it for an instant.

You only get one life, and unfortunately you both want different things from it. If you really want children, the bitterness and resentment that you feel now over him denying you will only grow and eat away at the relationship.

But I don’t get why you would jump straight into sperm donor option. Surely it’s far better to first try to find another partner to share your life with who also wants children.

Doesn't make sense at all this thread.

@spottedinthewild using a sperm donor is not great for a child. You are setting them up to be minus a dad and not know their genetic background until they are 18.

Yes there are many single parents, but many of them co parent. Where mum is a true lone parent as dad has buggered off, many of those children do feel they have missed out on their dad, sometimes trying to reach out to them when they are older

You may have a good job and benefits and want to go it alone and have a child - I am not sure if you have thought about how hard this is. Keeping your job and being a single I’m to a baby/young child is hard work. Harder than you’ll imagine. Not trying to put you off but it can be a really hard reality check. Please be sure.

I wouldn’t give up the chance of having a dc if that’s what you want. Parenting is hard but stages pass and you get through it. You want different things sadly. This isn’t something you’ll come to accept I think.

I understand how you feel. I have one child with my DH through ivf and feel very lucky. When I fell pregnant I really really wasn’t expecting it as the odds were so low in my circumstances and had started to reconcile myself with the fact it may never happen. I don’t think it’s impossible to do so but there would always have been a deep sadness. I think the difference though was that it was something my DH and I wanted together and whether it happened or not was in the hands of the gods really. Whereas I think not having children because your DH is not on board would create deep resentment. I also don’t understand his initial response that he’d adopt rather that have a biological child with you. Adoption is a wonderful thing and if he had good reason for suggesting that then fine. But I wonder if somehow he thought it’s something he can more easily walk away from/his commitment is less. If that’s the case that reveals quite an unpleasant approach to adopting a child.

I’m a single parent. Yes there have been times when it’s not easy but I never ever for one second regretted having my children.

Im in my 50s now and have many women friends who are now single - divorced and widowed. As well as some who never married.

None of them regret having children, in fact their children and GC are the most important things in their lives. Men come and go I’m afraid.

My friends who are childless all regret it now . Although It wasn’t a choice for them at the time, either they never met someone or it was because of infertility.

My ex husband ran off with his mistress years ago. I find it hard to forgive how badly he behaved and how he treats our kids now. But apart from that I’m happy and have a very good life . I can’t imagine how I would have coped if I gave up having kids for him and then he did that.

@spottedinthewild my advice is to leave now and have your baby. If you stay with your husband and have to give up on your dreams for him, you will end up hating him.

Even if you do come to terms with it, he might end up leaving you. You said you have a disability and he likes an easy life - are you sure he will be there for you if your health declines?

Same here. If they’re adamant they don’t want more children then they should go for woman who already have children and don’t want more or woman who make it clear they don’t want any of their own.

@spottedinthewild there are millions of threads and comments about being single parents - I'm one and it's great, but I co-parent 50/50 with my daughter's dad. Do you mean doing it completely alone?

You're only young (I had my daughter when I was 40!), why not start dating with the aim of finding a lovely man (who's not going to lie or string you along) and starting a family?

100% best thing ever for me. I don’t want to share more details here but you can pm me if you want to x

Do you understand what legal adoption means?

Don’t waste any more time. You have limited time to conceive while technically, he could father a child for many more years to come. Imagine if you split and he got new partner pregnant while you have missed your chance at having children.

I’m a strong believer it’s risky leaving it too late. I had my kids in my early/mid twenties and now at 27, have problems with my ovary which could lead to fertility problems. I’m glad I had my dc youngish and didn't wait.

If you can support a child on your own then go for it. All the best!