AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

Or maybe we simply have different opinions and neither one of us needs to think about it more.

If you do go the donor route think long and hard about how it is for their children

https://thoughtcatalog.com/daniel-hayes/2015/10/children-of-sperm-donors/

There is only so much you can plan. Lots of people have kids without planning.

I was in a relationship which broke down. My child sees her dad every other weekend and we get on. Things do happen when you least expect it.

I think leaving your husband in this situation is the right thing for you.

I'm a single parent OP, I have two boys.

For the best part of it, I love doing it on my own. No other parent to battle with or opinion to listen to 🙈 I get to raise my boys with values that are my own and not dim them to fit someone else. I live our close bond and all the special things we get to do, just us three.

Down falls - money and availability. It can be lonely and it's hard to see all the other happy families, particularly on the big holidays like Christmas or birthdays.
I'm also sad my boys aren't growing up seeing a respectful relationship between two parents. I worry they won't have that example for when it's their turn (if they choose so!).

For the best part of it, I am very happy, but it's not always easy and it comes with a lot of sacrifices!

That's you though-I think it sounds awful being deliberately deprived of a father and his entire side of the family. Maybe you need to think about it a bit more?

OP, have you sat your DH down and told him quite bluntly that not having children is a deal breaker for you and that you are considering divorce in order to have children? I am not saying to force his hand, but does he really understand that you are willing to give up your marriage over your desire to have a child? Some men think it is a passing phase that you will get over.

I do think it is sad you had a plan to have them together and now it has changed. Why has he changed his mind? Is he that opposed for a reason you understand and agree with? Is there a compromise you can find together? It is important to be brutally honest with him though. It may still end in divorce, but at least you were honest with him.

I am torn on this tbh

if op wants to be a mum then that’s fair enough. I can understand her urge as took me 10yrs to have dd

@Blondeshavemorefun genetic history is important. Not being given an option to have a dad

Is it worse to have a child with a man /dad who then buggers off and never sees his kid or pays any maintenance

v

a mum using ds

both are wanted kids. Both won’t have father in their lives

first one surely the child would feel sad that their dad doesn’t want to know them

v

having no dad in their life but knowing wanted

I’m a single parent, not by choice. I would never choose it over having two loving, stable parents. I certainly would never deliberately choose it.

Yes a bit odd. I can’t really understand the logic of it.

You can get anything if you’re prepared to pay for it.

Tbh I’m amazed he was allowed /got one

a friend with 3 kids wanted to be sterlalized at 25 and doctors refused her

as too young. She had kids

he didn’t and managed to get a Vasectomy

This is pretty clear cut.

You want a child, now.
He doesn't want a child ever.

You are incompatible and will forever resent him for taking away your chance to be a mother. Splitting seems the best option.

Agree to disagree. I believe a good childhood very much is about stability and having at least one loving parent.

@LoztWorld you obviously don’t get it, it’s not about stability and loving parent

Hmmmm. I think the vast majority of people have children in circumstances that are suboptimal for one reason or another. So perhaps having only one parent is not ideal, but it’s still better to have one good stable parent than two useless or even just disinterested parents, or be born into extreme poverty, or witness a traumatic divorce, or any other number of factors that may influence a child’s outcomes. Almost no-one’s situation is perfect, and even if it is, unexpected things can happen.

Being a loved and wanted donor-conceived child of a committed, financially stable parent (assuming all this applies to OP!) just doesnt seem that bad to me. Not compared to many of the mundane situations out there that people are less likely to comment on.

Okay, sorry you are in that position. I understand your hurtful words came from a place of trying to come to terms with something very challenging. As many of us are.

@LoztWorld having a child by sperm donor is not optimum for a child. Can cause a number of issues for the child. So no it shouldn’t necessarily be something OP must must do

You are entitled to your opinion, I am entitled to mine.

I am childless by circumstance. I know how hard it is to move on when you want a child, but that's what I am having to do. So I don't think I am the 'horrifically unfeeling monster' you kindly describe me as.

In the context of the OP’s post, which in no way suggested she was considering having a child with a “shit dad”, it’s surely clear I wasn’t advising this is an avenue she should go down.

Where to start with this nonsense.

Everyone only has children out of selfishness or carelessness. EVERYONE. No one is doing it as some kind of act of charity to their unborn child. They do it because they want a child for their own selfish reasons, or they don’t take precautions to avoid having a child.

Also I don’t know how you think most people end up with a disabled child, but it seems it hasn’t occurred to you we didn’t choose it. I had a child in seemingly ideal circumstances (home ownership, committed relationship of many years, good jobs etc). Yet I had the misfortune to receive a devastating diagnosis - and nonetheless find motherhood uniquely fulfilling. This somehow makes me more selfish than other mothers who are lucky enough to have children with no serious medical issues, does it?

Thanks for your faux concern about my child’s happiness - really feel the empathy coming off your keyboard. They’re not “suffering” i’m sure you’ll be relieved to know 🙄

As for telling women who desperately wanted children to just get over it and move on - how little imagination must you have to not realise it’s not that easy? I have never been in that position, but I don’t need to have been to be realistic about the level of grief involved. Because I’m not a horrifically unfeeling monster.

Finally, OP is 34 and has the opportunity to have a child either by donor or by finding a new relationship. I don’t see why she should just “get over” this when it’s a totally realisable dream and her circumstances seem fine.

I agree @Ginghamsheep
Having a baby these days has become so commoditised and is treated as if it is a basic human right.

There are lots of things in life that I would like but accept that aren't going to happen, so I just get on with it.

In the vast majority of these posts there is little to no consideration for the life of the child, which I find quite shocking.

There is also very little resilience or ability amongst most to accept that in life sometimes you do not get what you want. Talk of lives being 'ruined' of living with 'constant regret'. And all for something that you do not know how it would have worked out anyway. Sometimes it is necessary to adapt and move forward.

One poster mentions that she has a severely disabled child but would still not have missed out on the opportunity to experience motherhood. Obviously we do not know what sort of life her child is living / will live in the future (and of course I hope they have a happy and fulfilled life). However if I thought that my child may experience suffering or have a challenging life due to a disability, I would not be saying that I still would choose to 'not miss out on motherhood'.

It is not about you and what you want; it's about the child. And if you 'miss out', tough. Adapt, move on and try to be a less selfish person.

Both my dh and I would have loved more kids. 1Dss. Loved 100%.
Even with ivf it didn't happen (both with issues) and after a couple of attempts we decided to stop.
I LOVE my life, DS and DH but 20+yrs down the line I get emotional at times, reminisce on what might have been, and wonder if we should have tried harder.
we were on the same page and it still hurts, life is too short to stay with someone on such a different page to uou.

I do think he should be told this is your plan, this gives him the chance to change his mind, but if he doesn't then he needs to understand it is the end of uour relationship .

Good luck and hope it works out good for you.