No help from grandmother

She sounds lazy and selfish. Awful woman

This is a tough one. She is staying with you and I imagine this was planned to help you while you DH was away. However based on your own childhood I would not have expected her to help much, it sounds like it was your grandparents who helped raise you rather than your own mum. I would not have her to stay at your house and I wouldn't change my routine to entertain her. She could visit family on her own.

I think in terms of organising at home, batch cook when DH is around to watch the baby. Clean as you go with the kitchen (not sure how much mess it can be in meaning it's such a big job), baby could sit in bouncer or highchair while you do this.

I feel for you OP.
I know your dad was poorly when you were little so could understand your mum needing some extra help but to send you to your grandparents for the whole week and only see you on weekends to me shows you weren’t her priority. There are plenty of people who care for sick spouses and their children stay at home. Obviously I don’t know how ill your dad was and how demanding that was on her so I don’t want to pass too much judgement but at the same time, I’m not surprised she is acting the way she is now.

She probably never bonded with you properly because you weren’t there, so she may be finding it hard to bond with your baby now.

My mother was no help either. Turned up constantly but didn't lift a finger. Some people just don't want to help.
I'd send her home.

In between you being a child and you having a baby, what was your relationship like? Did you always live with your gps or go back to your mum?

Very selfish of her

She could have cleaned up the kitchen

"Don't know how to?"

More of a hinderance

My mother is like this. Actually she’s worse as well as being unhelpful she used to compare my babies to me and my siblings and try and make out my kids has health issues or were developmentally delayed in some way (they weren’t). She just needed her offspring to be better.

lower your expectations. If you don’t expect anything you can’t be disappointed. To be fair to her she did look after dd1 one day a week for a few months when she was a baby. She used to complain about it so much (after offering to do it) that I put her in nursery. Her own mother, my lovely Nan, used to help out all the time. She was always staying to pick up the pieces when mum
couldn’t cope. Over the years I’ve helped her more than she’s helped me. Sometimes it makes me sad that I don’t have the sort of mum others do, but I’ve made piece with it. My mother in law was also great which helped.

She sounds rubbish but also like she was always going to be a bit shit at helping. My mum would have spent the time cleaning the kitchen not sitting staring into space in the dining room for hours. That would have boiled my blood.

sadly you aren’t going to change her so I wouldn’t have her to stay regularly as she’s more an extra baby to look after and entertain than help. Can you meet her for days out half way?
you don’t need extra bed linen changes and costs of paying for her days out etc

She is not going to suddenly change. I just wouldn’t have her to stay very often. It is a shame. You, your mother and your child are all losing out.
My mother used to pretend to be a good grandmother but the first thing she wanted if she came to visit was a glass of wine. She was a rubbish parent to me and not a great grandmother. I just try and be the opposite to her.

A few issues here.

You asked for mum to mind the baby, which she agreed to, but then didn’t. That was poor form.

However, I wouldn’t automatically assume my mum would cook, clean etc, when visiting, and would feel she was interfering if she did. Your mum is not a mind reader, maybe she didn’t realise you expected her to clean.

She’s also slightly right that you do need to just get in with it as well, and not everyone has help.

If she’s a decent person normally, then just go with that. She’s also may come into her own more when the baby is older.

It sounds like she wasn’t very into raising kids when you were a child as she left you with grandparents to raise you, she’s not suddenly going to change now so not sure why you are expecting this of her. It would be lovely if she would help but doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.

She wasn't maternal before so she won't be maternal now. You can't make her into something she's not. Lower your expectations; treat her like the distant relative she is emotionally wise.

Wouldn't dream of hosting agsin any time soon.
Poor mother won't morph into a helping grandmother.

She's not expecting friends or anyone else to help. It's her mum were talking about. You know, the Grandmother!

Sorry OP she didn't mother you as a child so she's hardly going to be grandparent material

I feel for you Op I'm laying in bed reading this thread with my 7 month old granddaughter snuggled into me.
I have her Friday-Sunday and wouldn't ever not want to have her stay I absolutely adore her & want my daughter to have time to herself. I can't understand Grandparents who have no part or play no part in their grandchildren's life's!

But I will say that your Dh/Dp should also be helping out with housework /meal prepping/ baby's feeding-naps Etc...

I understand where you're coming from.

My mum is amazing. She helps so much with the kids and always has done since they were little.

My MIL on the other hand , was very good at playing with the kids but very poor at particularly emotional intuition as a fellow mum/woman. She'd never offer any 'kindness' towards me as a new mum. She also never would offer to babysit and kind of lost interest as the kids have gotten older. She's very emotionally stunted and I struggle to understand her. She's a strange one really and I wish she was more warm and open. But she isn't. She's had quite a hard life though and can't articulate her feelings. I think she has an attitude of "I didn't get any help so why should I help people" life has sort of embittered her. There's a whole other back story too (passive aggression, rivalry, jealousness, possessiveness) but she's much more mellowed as time has gone on and I forgive her.

I've made myself sound like a bit of a diva there but I'm not I promise!

I guess the bottom line is : people including your very closest people can disappoint you. But you can't change people. Sometimes you have to lower your expectations and accept this is what they are, this is how it is and you have to accept it and find other outlets for practical/emotional support. It sucks, but you won't really fundamentally change people. Also, when people act in dysfunctional or atypical ways - it is true that it's about them and their issues not you and yours and I think you can then feel more compassionate towards them rather than resentful.

With my MIL for example , I now can see that deep down she's likely been jealous and resentful of me for the simplest of things - I can express myself, I can ask for things, I can throw my arms around my children and kiss them, I can say my heartfelt opinions. It must be awful to go through life as a wound up coiled spring that can't communicate properly with your very dearest relatives.

Good luck with your future 😃

This 💯 what my DD expects me to do and what I do sometimes is entirely different. I'm not going to lie my DD is soooo bossy I never feel like I do anything right it's like walking around on egg shells half the time! Constantly trying to second guess what she wants. I would lay my life down for my DGCs but blimey my own DD can be difficult at times!

It is not your mum's responsibility to clean your house or babysit.
Yes it would be lovely if she pitched in but she's under no obligation.

Well of course she’s not but who in their right mind goes to someone else’s house to stay for a while and doesn’t offer to cook, clean or pay for anything. It’s even worse that Op has a new baby, but that is terrible manners at any time. Who else in their right mind is responsible for a crying baby and just tells it to shush like it’s inconveniencing them, and makes no effort to comfort it? That’s such weird behaviour.

op I’d stop having her over as much. It’s not helping you or your baby and she’s clearly not appreciative or managing to build a bond with your baby so what’s the point.

I presume you have helped lots of people before you had your child?

You chose to have a child yes it is nice for people to help each other but no one has too

That's horrible,.I'm so sorry. My mum was the same to be honest. You need to stop having her over, and giving yourself extra work. She's never going to change. Remember it works both ways, as in you don't feel responsible for her future elder care. When.my mum died I realised that I didnt feel upset, because we had never bonded nor did I rely on her for.anything.

Sorry OP, but you had a child presumably because you wanted one. You knew raising a child is hard work. It was your decision. It is not your mum's responsibility to clean your house or babysit. Where is your DH? Why is he not doing his share? Why don't you batch cook while he is around?

Yes it would be lovely if she pitched in but she's under no obligation.

I've been a single for mum since I left ex when DS was 2. Before that ex did literally nothing. I think he changed a total of two nappies, and even those under duress. My dm died before DS was born. No local family. No help. I work full time.

I suggest you buy a sling. Baby will be happy snuggled up against you while you hoover. Also a play pen so you can safely chat to baby while cooking. If the tidying doesn't get done every day, it really doesn't matter.

That’s not very kind of her. At 4.5 months realistically your baby is just going to want you so I think either she helps out with the dishes/cooking etc or just ask her to bugger off, more politely. She sounds like a massive drain and you need to be looking after yourself. Forget all the batch cooking and going out, just chill out with your baby and let the house be a mess and eat basic food.

My mum helped me and her mum was unable to help, as she lived in another country/continent.

My mum helped all my siblings, but not every mum is like that. My siblings MILS were generally lazy and self centred, much like your mum tbh. Sorry to say that.

My sister's MIL actually said to her daughter "I did it by myself, so you have to. Nobody helped me"

My mum came to stay for 3 weeks when I had my first child. She would take my daughter off me in the night after I'd fed her, so I could sleep, as DH was not much use in that area.

Infact, I missed her help so much that I took my daughter and went to stay with her 2 weeks after she went home.

Oh OP i feel you 💐 I'm a lone parent to a 6mo so I've pretty much had to get used to managing baby and general life on my own. My house was a bomb site for around 2 months, infact it still is just less so. Its annoying to look at but ive had to accept that its not a priority and any job i manage to complete in a day is a win.

My mums idea of help/giving me a break is to, once a month or so, take DD to the local shop and back, which takes no more than 10 minutes. Its pretty pointless tbh and she only lives across the road. We also had the same dynamic as you, where my DGP's raised me and did more of the parenting stuff.

Edited to add- could you use a sling? It might help keep your DC settled for a while so you can get 1 or 2 jobs done.