If you grew up poor do you ever miss it?

I grew up living in a 2 bed council house on a scheme. Doors were always open, people always popping in, knew everyone, everyone in the same boat.

Now considerably better off but don‘t fit into either world.

Here it’s always going out for expensive dinners etc. it’s nice to not have to worry about money but it is all quite shallow. I have imposter syndrome in both worlds.

My children grew up in this world and at times they make me so angry as they think this is the world and it is to them but not too the vast majority of people. Being poor gave me a better work ethic I think.

No. My parents had money worries growing up and both had two jobs on occasion.

As a child I didn't really notice. I had a great childhood. I do miss the lack of responsibility I had in my youth though.

I also do miss the simpler life without smart phones, social media, AI etc.

I don't miss it.

Rather, there is a mental process, for me anyway, around having changed from being low income to reasonably affluent in a couple of decades, and sometimes that isn't easy to navigate. Sometimes I experience feelings of guilt, especially when friends struggle, wondering what would happen if it went, hoping I'm worthy of it.

Naturally, I prefer this to more poverty.

OP I also think one of the reasons why you might feel like this is that as a society we are pretty rubbish at understanding what is good about the community ethos of communities living in poverty. In my grandmother’s council estate when she was an elderly widow the neighbours looked after her wonderfully. The walls were thin between her and her neighbours and they used to say cheerfully “just bang on the wall if you need help”. Every Sunday when they made their roast dinner someone brought her a plate round on a tray. There was also litter, broken windows in neighbouring streets etc, but she was lucky in other ways that are complicated to explain.

No, absolutely not.

My memories of childhood mostly involve being cold. Of only having one school shirt which must have smelt by the end of the week. Hand me downs. Of never having the right sports kit. Of never going anywhere or doing anything. Of being excluded from school trips and swimming. Of one bathroom/loo between seven. Of one tepid bath a week. Of having no privacy. Of sharing a bedroom with two sisters. It was grim.

By 13 I was working. By 14 I was saving to leave.

Now I have a comfortable house in a rural area, a son in private school who is happy and relaxed, I have a career, nice clothes, hot water, decent food, holidays, I have friends over and don't feel embarrassed.

I have no desire to go back. It wasn't fun.

Yep, I get what you mean.

There's a middle ground.

No money worries but living simply.

We could go out to eat regularly. I could get a coffee on my way into the office every week. We could hire babysitters and go out partying on a Friday night. We could go to all the mum groups or do the expensive activities.

Could doesn't equal must.

What we do is cook nice meals at home. We have the coffee we like in and make it at home. We garden. We grow fruit and veg. We go for walks. We attend free events and go to the local farm parks. We are members of the National Trust and English Heritage and go to the events they put on.

Having money doesn't mean you have to spend it. You're absolutely allowed to live how you like. Just without worrying about feeding your kids and heating the house.

Found this description by Sophie Pender of what her Ted Talk is about “The long and short of this talk is why social mobility is not all it's cracked up to be. Why, even though it completely changed my life for the better, it irreparably damaged a number of elements that I'll never be able to repair. 17 minutes isn't quite enough time or headspace to articulate my point, but I hope it offers the food for thought that as the appetite for social mobility increases amongst popular discourse, so should our responsibility to understand the nuances associated with it. ”

Second the book by Kerry Hudson, I'd never felt so seen when I read it

OP you might also find the book Low Born by Kerry Hudson (excellent memoir) helps you work through some of this

No I never miss the life I had growing up poor.

Back in the 60s most working class people were poor but we were poorer than most as my mother was a widow. The cupboard was always bare and we had the minimum amount of food and clothes. Mother was always robbing Peter to pay Paul.

My own children grew up very privileged, thank god.

What OP is saying is completely legitimate. My father grew up very poor and has struggled with his life changing.

OP you might find this TED talk a good watch https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UFtIgEgzWaM]] This is by Sophie Pender who runs a social mobility charity and from about 11 minutes in she talks about what I think might be some of what you are experiencing.

Oh I get this completely. The secondary school I went to had a mix of wealthy children and poor children.
my two best friends got given their family allowance each month for clothing/pocket money, I was so envious.
my mum was a single mum and we lived in a council house, money was very tight.
When I spilt up with my boyfriend I was so determined to buy him out of the house, aspirational I guess.
I never want to go back to poverty and am really proud that I have been able to fund both my kids through uni, I never had the chance

No, absolutely not

Do you think that you might mean missing the connection between you and the way you connected with the people in the community you grew up in OP, open doors, cups of tea?

I find endlessly going out to meet people a bit wearing.

I'm pretty well off and grew up well off but for various reasons I've found myself with quite 'poor ' friends and I much prefer it to the friends you are describing.

My old life ( I moved last yesr ) and old friends were like yours and it can be exhausting ..

Like above choose a simple life , move to a small cottage in a field and enjoy the simple life .

Money gives you choices!

Yes I miss the simplicity. Life feels very hard now.

Maybe once or twice a year I drive to old housing scheme, park up and walk about the streets, walk past my old home twice. I go during daytime not at night as its high crime area. It's normally after some other life challenge that has stressed me out.

I know I can't go back as not a life I want for DC and I know deep down I do like the safety of my current location and home, so not a life for me now either.

But yes I miss it.

Nobody ever really 'jumps class' - your circumstances might improve but the memories and experiences stay with you. I don't miss the days of eviction letters, having the phone cut off, bailiffs at the door etc. If anything I resent those days more as I get older and how my parents didn't make any real effort to get us out of it. We didn't have central heating until I was 16, we didn't have a functional washing machine or a vacuum cleaner even 'on tick', I used to go to school in unwashed clothes. I am angry about it even now.

No. I look back on it like an abusive relationship. It seemed normal at the time, but now that I'm away from it, I can see it for what it was. Sadly, the effects of it will stay with me forever, which makes it impossible to embrace all the good things I have now because I still have the fear of not having enough but also the guilt of having so much. I can't treat myself without feeling shame. So, no, I don't miss it. I would rather have not experienced it because no amount of success or money undoes the harm that growing up in poverty inflicts.

The concept of 'it takes a village to raise a child' is what I experienced growing up in a deprived community in the 90s/00s, and its the only thing I miss about being poor. Those that owned cars would provide lifts, there were childcare swaps and you would lend toys etc.

My dad was a taxi driver, and from time to time he would have a very good night (big expensive fares), he would treat us to the cinema / bowling and McDs. We went abroad once when I was 9 (my GPs bank rolled it) and that was a massive deal. You really do appreciate the treats and luxuries when they are very rare.

But the rest? Nah. My parents had a very happy marriage but they always bickered about money, and they were always counting the days until mum's payday. Aside from that one trip abroad, we never went on holiday except to my GPs in the summer and Easter. Clothes were from primark or hand me downs. If my dad had a particularly low earnings week, there would be no heating and we were living off beans on toast and cereal (with UHT milk - yuk) until mum got paid.

I was lucky in that my grandparents were very comfy so they often funded school camps and gave very generous with pocket money

I didn't grow up poor but I understand what you're saying.

It's like christmas these days, my kids are excited but not the way I was as a child. It's because they get so much. Days out are less of a treat because they go to so many places. I can never find anything to watch with a million channels whereas when there were 4 my TV was sorted for the night and it was great.

Maybe you just appreciated the small things when you grew up poor but with so much on offer now it's a little underwhelming?

This is a very thought provoking thread.

I had forgotten the ice on the inside of the windows, god. I’m glad my kids will never experience that.

The only thing I can say is I wouldn’t know. But now I do