How to Persuade Parents to Put Heating on Due to DF's Pneumonia

When you have your intervention, one of you ask her point blank if she is trying to kill DF? She will of course be furious, but if you keep the suggestion up, it might make them both think...you could also ring Social Services and express concern. Some outside pressure might help.

I'm interested to know how many layers they wear!

Tbh I'm one that would rather put a jumper on than turn the heating up as for me if I have it high enough to be in a t shirt in the winter then that would give me a headache.

As would being too cold.

Also for me there would come a point where extra layers don't help as hands are cold so there needs to be some background warmth.

I actually wonder if your dad is scared of her reaction should he say that he's not comfortable & need the heating on.

I suppose having windows open is also making it cold.

We never have the heating on overnight & I don't think it has gone below 17 even in very cold spells.

My ex mil was like this.

claimed all sorts - the thermostat was broken etc. despite having money and working central heating she bought electric greenhouse heaters ‘to keep the chill off’.

it was always freezing there (even in the summer). She only ever had it at a reasonable temp when ds1 stayed (she wouldn’t have seen in otherwise).

it’s strange ‘cos my dm and df’s house was always really warm (so much so that when I left home and had to pay for my own heating I was always freezing).

tbh I think the time has already passed where you need to be so blunt she takes offense.

clearly your parents enable each other and it’s deeply ingrained.

Maybe I've been watching one too many thrillers but is she hiding something in the fridge/kitchen? I don't know if I've incorrectly assumed that she prepares the meals....
Your DM sounds very much like she is abusing your DF and is controlling.

The cold isn't helping his respiratory system and breathing in cold air will slow down his already impacted respiratory defence systems eg. cilia in his airways.

When my DH had pneumonia, the GP would only let me care for him at home if I could keep him warm enough, otherwise I should take him to hospital. This was thirty years ago, so can't remember if an actual temperature was required, but at least 21/22°
Can you show her this thread, or would she hate the idea that you were talking about it on here?

FFS! Do not tell your DM that shes going to kill her husband! He’s a grown man who can perfectly well flick on the heating of he's feeling the cold. Pneumonia isn't caused by being cold.
OP, you’ve had your say, there is absolutely nothing else you can do and trying to force your parents to do something they don't want will just end up in them not wanting you there. Its warming up now, and is hardly Baltic.

You say she fusses around & looks after him-but she's not doing the one thing that he needs to recover & be comfortable.

yes no heating can help with pneumonia..your get a virus like a cold and your body can not fight it so it sinks deeper into your body so causing more illness. my owne father got pneumonia after staying at a relatives house that was freezing and when home he ended up in hospital for 3 weeks.
I would go full control on this now. I would have alerts fitted onto windows that when they are opened you get a notification on your phone. heating control with a plastic box around it only you can open it ( we had to do this in the family holiday home as people kept fiddling with buttons and causing issues) and also have it all on notifications on your phone. if it's a new home should be well isualted and retain heat well. with regards headaches get carbon monoxide tested. I would as popel say talk to gp too
it must be a generation thing my own mother in law is simular windows open all the time and front door left open. she only starting to cop on now as she found a rat in her house before Xmas 🤢🙈

Sorry Op I did look back at your posts after I posted & see that you had answered about the headaches.

So in the Summer when the house (hopefully) naturally gets warmer, I guess that is ok as it's natural heat?

Tbh I'd be getting myself checked out if central heating in cold weather constantly caused headaches.

It 's almost like a control thing isn't it?

9 or 11c is not just a wee bit chilly. Your poor dad.

Drastic and probably won't happen if they are that much "in love" but I'd have Dad stay on rotation with each of you until the weather warms up. Leave mother on her own in her cold house. I know it won't happen because of his loyalty to your mother, but he could be just saying that if she is the ultimate boss in that house. Would he be bullied by her do you think, or is he afraid to disagree with her?

Even if he stayed in another room that was heated and mother stayed in the fridge room. Would that work, or would mother not agree to them being apart as she loves him so much. I think that's bullshit BTW and she is abusing him and controlling his life. Presumably they both contribute to the household so each should have an equal say. I'm thinking of that awful word "Henpecked", but it seems to fit your father here.

Look up effects of cold on immune system and cold effects on respiratory conditions. Look up effects of cold and hypothermia in seniors.

Your dad's health is more important than her upset.

I would definitely notify his doc that she has the house running in the 9 to 11 degree range with windows wide open.

Get the boiler serviced and a co monitor also

Explicitly says increases risk or chest infection

And keep windows closed at night

www.england.nhs.uk/blog/lucy-verasamy/#:~:text=Heat%20the%20home%3A%20Heat%20your,the%20risk%20of%20chest%20infections.

Even if they are used to keeping the house on the cool side, it's surely not so good now they are getting older?

There has to be some compromise between 9/11 & 21 I would have thought though!

Do you think that your Mum is lying about the headaches?

Is she that selfish?

I think all attempts at not upsetting people need to go out the window. 9 degrees is horrendous. Tell your mother she’s going to kill your father, and it’ll be on her conscious for the rest of her life. And when your dad steps in, confront him and say “I know you don’t want to see her upset but I can tell you’re fucking freezing!” Get a Hive or Nest fitted so you can monitor it. Oh, and if your mother genuinely thinks that 9 degrees is comfortable then she needs to see a doctor- is she very overweight? Does she have hyperthyroidism or something?

Cold temps can weaken the immune system which makes it harder for the body to fight off infections. It also can constrict the airways and increase mucus production, making it harder to breath. It can trigger asthma attacks.

Headaches when the heating is on, the boiler or furnace needs to be checked and they need a CO2 monitor.

What temp is she keeping the home at and what are the outdoor temps when she has the windows open. Does he have other health conditions.

Don't downplay this or soften it. Blunt is the way to go. It's affecting his health now.

I just saw the temps. He's at risk of hypothermia with temps that low for prolonged periods.

Could they compromise and DF get an electric heater for where he sits? Then DM can sit near a window and DF can have the warm air he needs?

If there can be a compromise which means both are comfortable then that's the best way.

@FortyElephants So she can’t report any concerns about their living conditions with their GP unless her parents lack capacity?

I didn’t realize that- obviously the GP can’t share any private information with her, but I didn’t realize that families couldn’t report concerns.

I think you've tried and tried but at the end of the day they have agency over their lives, neither has impaired mental capacity and he is backing her up to the hilt.

I'd let them alone now and say no more. Visit briefly and keep your coat on, drop the issue completely.