How to Persuade Parents to Put Heating on Due to DF's Pneumonia

Where do you live though? If you are in the mediterranean, California, parts of Australia - entirely reasonable. Or if you have one of those "Grand Designs" passive house things with quadruple glazing and 6 feet of insulation. I think OP may have mentioned if her parents were in that sort of home, don't you?

What is not reasonable is having no heating whatsoever and windows open year round in the UK, in the sort of house most of us live in. Average temperatures in many parts of the UK from December - February are well under 5c.

Competitive underheating is a thing on MN. Heating your house to a temperature higher than it is outside is not "stuffiness". Especially when you are an elderly man with sodding pneumonia.

If he’s not already had one would he consider a pneumonia vaccine once he’s recovered? It might help prevent him getting it again, or reducing the severity of it.

It's ultimately their choice. I never close windows or put on heating. I can't stand the stuffiness of it

https://www.bbc.co.uk/future/article/20250228-battle-of-the-thermostat-the-science-behind-your-central-heating-arguments

My uncle and aunt were like this. Absolutely refused to have central heating put in their house (despite being well able to afford it) and both suffered repeated respiratory issues. Nothing family said would persuade them. It eventually took a doctor refusing to release my uncle from hospital until they got it installed to persuade them to allow it. Would they listen to an outside voice of authority such as a doctor?

It’s so tricky, my DM is in her early 70’s with health conditions including a lung condition. I walked into her bedroom the other day and it was around 14 degrees. Her top bedding felt cold and slightly damp, she will only use a heated blanket in there and a log burner in the other part of the house.
I keeping telling her it should be warmer and to run a dehumidifier but she insists she can’t sleep in a hot room and doesn’t like the house too warm.
She spent her childhood in poverty, which has to this day had a significant impact, she must feel the cold but won’t give in to it.
We heat our home to 19 degrees and when she visits she never says it’s too hot, doesn’t shed many layers to show that she ‘runs hot’ as she likes to claim.
Im not sure what sort of intervention you could have with two people who are adamant you are in the wrong and they are just fine, especially if there are no concerns about the mental capacity of them both.

I’m shocked, we put the heating on like three times a year if it snows heavily and when washing needs drying fast. We’re still pretty young though so no risk of catching our death but I didn’t know it was that controversial.

I don’t get headaches but we all can’t stand being hot, I can’t imagine being in a 20 degree house all day and being comfortable. Obviously being elderly has an impact, and he shouldn’t be getting ill, but I can’t believe how warm some of your homes are!

I would get a smart thermostat now, set it up so it doesn't go below the desired temp.

@bigkahunaburger I work in energy education and hearing their house is sometimes this cold is horrifying. For older people living in a home at 9c or below there is a massive increase risk of developing hypothermia, especially if they have other health issues and even more worrying with someone with pneumonia. Cold won’t cause pneumonia but breathing in cold air will exacerbate the symptoms, making it harder to breathe. Being cold can also significantly reduce blood pressure which again is dangerous the older you are and if you have any other health issues. With pneumonia your body is struggling significantly, he shouldn’t be wasting energy trying to keep warm.

As a compromise could your Dad be in one room that can be heated so your mum can’t use the headache excuse? She is seriously putting him at risk. Could he stay with you at least until he recovers? It’s basically abusive what she’s doing, I’d potentially want to speak to your local safeguarding team although if your dad has full capacity it may be difficult for them to intervene.

Do you have the means to invite your Dad to stay until he is well. In your warm house.
when he sees that it makes him feel better.
and that after decades of living in a bone chilling house maybe he will find his balls and be able to advocate for his own comfort better?

my mother likes to sleep in a very cold room.
we live in same house.
the rest of the house is at 20+
but her room has a window open and is Baltic .
maybe your mum can have one cold room to “relieve her headaches”
and you can put a draft excluder on the bottom of that door and the rest of the house can remain warmer

if you have no concerns about this being because they can t afford it.

another idea.
can you get a nest thermometer, and have the ap on your phone.
and you can observe and increase the temp
but maybe that’s a bit infantilisingly big brotherish

This is from Google!!

Cold air doesn't directly cause pneumonia, but cold, damp homes can make it easier for viruses and bacteria to grow. This can increase the risk of developing pneumonia

me & my husband had more health issues when we lived in a damp house now we’ve got a new build we’re both fine, our heating is hardly ever on and windows in the bedroom open 24/7 as we can’t sleep if hot!

It's not at all the same.

This is more like if the OP's partner or husband withheld food when she was recovering from an eating disorder.

@RoastDinnerSmellsNice Thanks, I thought it was probably incorrect.

9 degrees, that is abuse. I thought at first you just meant a bit colder than normal. She is harming your Df and I dont think you would be unreasonable to call adult social services.

If I recall the other thread correctly- I'm not sure anything you say or do will make a difference, will it? I would also be worried sick but I also can't see anything changing; it kind of feels weirdly abusive but you also say they adore each other. I hope your Dad gets better soon OP, and hopefully the slightly milder weather will help. However, weren't they very horrible to you about this last time?

My mother recently passed away from a chronic lung condition and in the last months of her life it would have been completely unbearable for her to be in a cold house. I’m sure it must make breathing more of an effort. A house that chronically cold like that, the cold will feel like it’s seeping into the bones. Are they wearing a shit ton of layers? That’s the only reason I can think of for why they aren’t appearing too uncomfortable. People that age tend to feel the cold more if anything.
I agree with contacting the GP. You can ask for it to be anonymous but to be honest 1. They will probably guess and 2. Who cares? Sometimes keeping someone safe is more important than them being happy with you.
They might feel they need to make a referral to social services under vulnerable adult procedures which to be honest would be no bad thing.
Do you know what temp the house is sitting at usually? Because that information will help the GP know what to do. At least the weather is starting to warm up.

Have you ever thought to get a gas safety check? The headaches would be a big red flag to me!

in my new build flat you can turn on the heating in the living room and it comes on in living room and hallway, or in the main bedroom and that controls both bedrooms and the bathroom.
Have they got anything similar as you said they are a new build?
heating on in the main room he stays in while he’s sick (I assume bedroom).

it does sound like you’re going to have to be extreme and say ‘you might kill him’

shes prioritising her ‘headaches’ over his pneumonia. My DP is 29 and pneumonia absolutely wiped him out at Xmas, I dread to think how your dad must be feeling

I presume he has his own money and can contribute to heating. Adult social services and financial abuse spring to mind.

You are all complicit.

All this talk of capacity and choice. It sounds as if this man doesn’t have any choice in the temperature of his home and doesn’t have access to any food. Is he allowed to make himself a hot cup of tea? Or does she control fluids too?

She is slowly killing him. If she was poisoning him with salt or something you would intervene even if it upset her?
In my own family the person ended up being hospitalised and we explained the coercive control and abuse to the hospital who rehomed him into a care home without either of them knowing until the day before and no consent from them needed.

I agree with those who say you can't take over their heating or force anything on them tbh. It would be quite wrong to try. Writing to their GP is reasonable though.

I'm also very pro opening the windows regularly and not overheating a house. That's different from keeping a chest patient in a cold house all day.

I do believe in being very blunt though. Make sure you wear enough layers to be comfortable as you can be when you visit. If they offer to take your coat, laugh shortly and say 'of course not Mum, it's ridiculously cold in here'. Offer to do active jobs in the house 'to try and stay warm'. Refer to the house as 'Pneumonia Towers.' Nothing to stop you having a temp app on your phone and knowing what the temperature is in there, and telling them. Leave early 'I'm too cold Mum.' You don't have to accept what they do as normal, even if you can't alter their choices.

What about you and your brothers op; do you smoke/drink/are overweight? Are you aware how much these things affect your health? Nearly 40% of cancers are caused by lifestyle factors. Should your parents come and go through your cupboards and remove any unhealthy items?
No; because you are adults who make your own choices. Why can’t your parents do the same?

Ring adult services at their local council.. Your dm is effectively allowing your df to die... Do you want him to die and wish you had done more or piss dm off and send the authorities round there? Maybe the threat of him going into a warm care home might see her put the heating on..

I think speaking to their GP is a decent idea, they won't be able to give you any info but they can make sure your dad understands that the cold could be actively harmful to his recovery.

If your brothers want to use a different approach I wouldn't get involved, that's between them and your parents.

Suggestions to actively control their heating etc are nuts. You can't do that to other adults who have capacity. How would you react if they insisted you weren't allowed to have the heating on and locked you out of your own thermostat?!

At the end of the day adults are allowed to make stupid choices, you can make them aware it's stupid but you can't make them act on the information.

You may be able to compromise with an electric heater near your dad so it's warm in one area at least?

All of that is assuming your dad is happy with the status quo. If you think there may be any coercive control/abuse preventing him from heating the house then that's different and outside help is needed.