How to Persuade Parents to Put Heating on Due to DF's Pneumonia

It must be very frustrating for you Op that neither of them seem to care about your father's health.

Your mother is obsessed about having things her way above all else perhaps to the point that she exaggerates headaches & your father goes along with it to his own detriment.

What a dynamic!

OP - your mother sounds incredibly controlling and it's worrying that she's so oblivious to the effect the cold has on your sick father. The thing you mentioned about the fridge reminded me very much of my recently departed MIL who, until about 2 years ago, would not even let me make a cup of tea in her kitchen. I wasn't allowed to open the fridge, she would hand me out the milk when I was eventually allowed to boil the kettle "on my own". Her house was freezing too, and I'm pretty sure that this eventually contributed to her death in January this year when the outside temp was -4.
I was wondering if your mother always "hovers" when you talk to your dad, either in person or on the phone?

What did you say back to him?

Honestly I'd be minded to say well, if you won't stand up for your health and you won't let me do it for you then fingers crossed you make it through the 5 mornings at 0 degrees next week. And hang up.

I wouldn’t worry about the walk @bigkahunaburger. It’s warmer outside than it is in today!

Has your mum ever used heating & not constantly had windows open?

It's all very well your brother saying that they are used to a cold house but your father is currently ill.

What was manageable/survivable when you're younger isn't necessarily so when you are in your 70s!

Still, if your father is adamant I agree that there is little to be done.

Presumably he knows that for the sake of his health he should be in a warmer house but doesn't want to upset your mum-even temporarily.

That's actually (imo) a bloody stupid decision & does hint towards not wanting the scene/drama/fallout that would follow.

I think the time to worry about your mother getting upset is past - and it's all very well other posters saying that as your parents have capacity you have to leave them to it but given all you've said about them, particularly your mother, over two threads, I think their capacity is in doubt. I like a cool house too but 9-11 degrees is ridiculous in their case. The man has pnuemonia for God's sake! How does forcing him to live in a 9 degree house demonstrate capacity?! It doesn't, quite the opposite in fact, especially when you add in the other factors such as food and fridge control etc.

Unfortunately older people are very good at putting on a front in the short term and can seem perfectly normal when there's all sorts of serious bullshit going on behind closed doors (I speak from experience, both my own family and working with an old people's charity).

They're clearly not going to listen to you and let's be honest, your brothers' support probably doesn't matter because your parents are unlikely to take any notice of them either. Do contact their GP - while legally they cannot discuss anything with you, decent doctors do posess a certain amount of common sense and will take what you're saying into consideration. Also do contact the adult safeguarding department through social services, and be firm. Don't just let it go because you are right, your father's health is in jeopardy here.

I personally tend to go for the blunt approach and probably wouldn't hesitate to state clearly to my parents that this is abuse and if your father doesn't recover from this you will most definitely hold your mother responsible but honestly it sounds like there are some pretty fucked up dynamics in your family that will make it very difficult for you to do this.

Thats really hard - I think your Mum is abusing your Dad, and he's going along with it to keep the peace, and it's become a control issue now, she's not going to give in to you, and won't let your Dad either.

Your brothers have maybe decided that she'll never change so no point. You've done all you can, and it's causing your Dad distress now. He has competency and hard as it is, if he won't insist on the house being warm for his well being, there's little you can do.

I agree with pps who say they might listen to a health care professional. I think you should contact his GP, so when he's next in with them, he can be advised that he needs to be warm when recovering. If he ends up in hospital, you can talk to his team about the need to insist that his home is warm.

It's so sad that your mum doesn't recognise the damage she's doing to her family, in addition to your fathers health. I think you need to cut visits very short, or ask them to visit you in your home. I couldn't watch my verybsick Dad suffer in the cold either.

Theres nothing else you can do really OP. I couldn't watch though. I'd be telling your mother that you can't watch her abuse your dad anymore and you wish them well and no L/NC. Let your siblings deal with them from now on.

I think talking to the GP sounds like the best option. They might speak to him / her about it. Would your DM listen to a doctor?

www.asthmaandlung.org.uk/living-with/cold-weather#:~:text=Look%20after%20your%20lungs%20indoors,get%20help%20with%20food%20costs.

Can the gp or another health professional visit…or take your mum and dad to a go visit together, snd they explain to both of them the damage no heating is doing to your father’s health? Your mum isn’t going to listen to you and your dad won’t go against her, even 18 would be a step up!

My mum was like this, even though she absolutely can afford to spend more on heating, she didn't want to. Almost like she'd read so many stories about pensioners in cold houses that she thought it must apply to her too.
It wasn't until she'd ended up in hospital with hypothermia that she was prepared to listen to us. And even then it took some persuading - I literally had to point out that her options were to spend a little more money or keep ending up in hospital, which she had complained about endlessly.
For elderly people with chest problems, the heating should ideally be at 18 in the daytime. But I don't know how you're going to persuade her without getting quite serious about the risk she's posing to your dad.

Not here they won’t. You can’t get them to get involved in sorting out a care package for a self funder. They’re over stretched and under funded.

I would call adult social care. They will send someone to do an assessment. They were brilliant with my Nan when she was going through the exact same thing. Except she lived alone and insisted herself on no heating. After the lady had finished talking to her the heating was never below 21. An outsider is often the best thing.

Agree that people are comfortable in different temperatures. But I think we can all agree that 9c is objectively far too cold inside a house.

Headaches with heating on can be dehydration too. So if OP's mum drank more if heating is on, she may be less likely to suffer headaches. I really can see both sides here. Differences in opinion over temperatures are very hard to shift as I know from the hugely polarised positions in our office at work. Personally I hardly ever feel the cold and have very good circulation. Other people have freezing cold hands when I'm in short sleeves and saying that I must go to the loo and take off my opaque tights as it's too warm! I think people must feel temperatures very differently.

I have to confess, I always prefer a colder house than most people - we have thermostats on our radiators, so I can have a room cooler to my preference and the heating on elsewhere for others’ needs. Do they have thermostats on their radiators so that just the room your DF is in can have the temperature increased? Or, as others have said, he has a heater with him where he is sitting?

I remember your other thread @bigkahunaburger and that your mum was shouting at you for shivering and wearing too many clothes.

From your other thread, I think it sounds like your mum is masking some serious anxiety around the heating by using the 'headaches' thing. Whether that is gas explosion, carbon monoxide poisoning...

Can you get your dad alone to talk about what the 'headaches' and not feeling cold is really all about? I imagine he has been covering for your mum for so long, he probably believes it.

Has your mum had any mental health crises in the past that are scared of triggering? Could there have been any you are not aware of, or a family history?

My first thought is dementia. 9-11 degrees is just so incredibly miserable. I’d definitely pick up a heated blanket for him straight away.

It sounds like there is no point you talking to them again - time to get a professional involved. I’m in a different country but there is usually a service you can call as he is sick and they can call to the home.

your going too far asking it to be 21 degrees. 18 would be fine or his own heater.

@TheOriginalEmu
But if you had pneumonia, even you would need to be kept warm.
You don't need to heat the entire house, just the room the person with the illness is in. Even with a portable radiator, and a bowl of boiling water to provide steam, DH was still shivering, and he was in his 40s not his 70s

I would be more brutal if they won't listen to common sense. Ask if Wills are up to date, thoughts on downsizing etc as there's a possibility of your DM being widowed if DF can't recover. I know it's harsh, but sometimes it doesn't even occur to them that this is a possible outcome.

There's also a risk of him not recovering sufficiently or having scarring and becoming invalided, lung disease is awful to live with. I have accompanied my elderly parent to pulmonary rehab group - it's grim. People shuffling around with O² cylinders and not being able to walk more than a few paces before needing to stop as they can't breathe. This is not something that they should be so flippant about.

Some of the suggestions on here are wild, You cant install a heating control in an adults house and control it remotely.

Age UKs website explains how cold houses do increase the risk of pneumonia would phone Age UKs helpline and ask them for advice, this is not an unusual issue. But do not talk about 21 degrees, that is hot and would be too hot for me. Lots of older people are used to homes being slightly cooler than younger people, but 19 degrees is reasonable.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/keep-well-this-winter/cold-weather-illnesses-and-your-health/

so say “you could kill dad” then. I’d have said it before now. Yes it will upset her, but she actually could kill him with this so it has to be said. Better to say it now then wait until it has happened and being left with huge feelings of resentment towards someone you love.

I had very stern words with my dad when he insisted that he didn’t need to phone the doctor when he caught chicken pox off my daughter, aged 70, with asthma, and blood pressure issues, and massively underweight due to dangerously uncontrolled diabetes. I told him that if he died it would be my fault because it was my child who infected him and I couldn’t live with that, so get to the bloody doctor. It worked.

I think it’s a cruel to be kind moment. She clearly loves him very much. Time to be very blunt about the possible consequences of her actions.