To hate the term “Passed away”?

Suppose it’s just that language creates emotion, and emotion is personal. I can’t see the harm in blunt language OR euphemisms. Whatever gets people through.

My mum died recently. It wasn’t pretty. I would say she did ‘battle’ cancer, she was like a biblical martyr in terms of what it did to her, it was a thousand cuts. Maybe it wasn’t a battle, maybe her will to live had fuck all to do with it; maybe it all just happened to her.

I do find dysphemisms funny and somewhat comforting. I sometimes say things to my kids like ‘now your Nanny has called it a day’ and it makes them laugh. It’s tinged with pain but at least it’s laughter, which somehow reduces the enormity of the loss, she liked a laugh herself.

The other day someone asked me, as part of a security check, what was written on my mum’s death certificate. I said - ‘as in, what killed her?’ I know it’s me who said it but I felt a terrible rush of loss. That’s her gone. Something killed her. My own choice of words upset me. Powerful things!

PS. My mum used ‘passed’ to bereaved people and about others but used a variety of baroque and comedic terms about her own coming demise. I think for her it was respect. Better to err on the side of gentleness.

When people say they've lost someone I always think (but not say obviously, 'that's careless. Where did you see them last?'

@Didimum Who are you decide what I do or don't need? I haven't demanded any individual explains themselves or indeed changes their preferred euphemisms. In care you're in any doubt, the purpose of this forum is to discuss our thoughts and sometimes feelings on topics raised. I'm discussing my thoughts on the subject - your response is irrelevant.

But it literally happens to everyone. Every single one of us loses loved ones, unless we die so young we’re the first to go. We all use the language of bereavement. The bereaved aren’t some kind of minority group to whom something unlucky happens. They’re literally all of us.

I know someone who uses "signed off".

Passed on Is more of a religious/spiritual saying isn't it?

Part of the grieving process is actually arguing with that.

Meh let people use whatever they want my mum died five weeks ago I said passed away everyone knew what I meant there was no faux confusion.

I don't like twee euphemisms like passed on but I have no problem eating home baked goods and I firmly believe that every loo should have a loo brush.

I'll admit, I do use the term but I appreciate what PPs are saying about it being fluffy and trying to make death more palatable.

"Dead" just feels so blunt. I've never really thought about it before but I suppose it is my issue; I'd never say "when your mum died" to my DH because it makes me feel uncomfortable, but I'd hate for that to make a grieving person feel uncomfortable.

Something for me to think about going forward, for sure.

My child died and I always say died. Passed away sounds odd to me, and I particularly didn’t like being told they were “very poorly” when they were dying. That annoyed me the most - and that was medical staff!

Mumsnet is a wonderful window into the peculiarities of others. I'd love to know how many of the people who take exception to commonly used words or phrases also have a problem with eating home baked goods. Are we dealing with one distinct population of odd or two? Are people who won't eat home baked goods more or less likely to have toilet brushes?

@ALovelyShadeofMauve Has someone very close to you died?

My dad died recently and I have used both died and passed away when telling people. The phrase I use depends on how I am feeling and who I am telling. The first person I told, who had not knowen he was ill, was so vividly shocked when I told them he had died, that I now tend to use , I think, a softer, " he very sadly passed away".

Until he died, I would have always said someone has died, but sometimes being in the situation changes your perspective.

I will generally echo whatever terms the bereaved person has used. For some 'died' can be a bit on the nose if they are still coming to terms with the death, and using 'passed on/over' can help them describe what happened without them having to use the D word, which might still be traumatic for them.

When I lived in Somerset, I asked where someone was and was told they'd 'gone on.' I replied that I was very sorry to hear that, got a funny look and told that 'gone on' meant that they'd just gone home.

When you have been married for fifty two years saying " my husband died " is very hard to say out loud . I found it a wee bit less difficult to say that he had passed away . There isn't an easy way to say it though .

Agree- hate passed away. But then I hate all sorts of euphemisms.

@Whycanineverthinkofone But late: my husband died in 2016. I have a new one now. My first husband was not my ex-husband, so the convention is to refer to him as my late husband. 'My dead husband' is a bit blunt even for me, so if I don't use 'late' what am I to use to make myself clear?

I've never sat down and thought about until now, but I realised that I never say, "Oh, my parents passed away", I say they died or are dead. They died separately, but suddenly, maybe that has something to do with it.

I just cannot imagine policing how someone describes the death of a loved one. It’s absolutely none of your business and their sensibilities trump yours…

Yep, same with “late”.

no, they’re not late. They aren’t just running a bit behind schedule and will turn up soon.

especially when it’s used for people who died 50 years ago. That’s more than late, that’s stood you up.

I will take the lead from the bereaved person and use whatever terminology they are using.

Personally I would use 'died' or, if it was in relation to a pet, 'euthanised' if that was the case.

Why have you posted a laughing emoji to me, OP? Reported.

unalived came into being when Facebook started censoring posts with the words dead and death in. I buy USBs of crafting files. The brand used to have the word "cutting" in it and they had to change it because FB started censoring posts with "cutting" in because of the link to self harm. Go figure.

I'm not a fan either. I said of both my parents that they died. I was a teen when my dad died and mincing words with 'passed away' was just not in my radar.

Even worse though is 'passed on' or just 'passed'. Nope. Do it for someone else if that's what they prefer but when I talk about my parents I'm going to use the proper words.