Dh’s card said I ‘Kept a perfect home’

The thing that bugs me about Mother’s Day and similar occasions is that where there are household imbalances and the woman is carrying the weight of everything it’s like, oh here’s a card, and we plan to keep screwing you the rest of the year. My household isn’t like this but it still bothers me a bit. So I would probably feel the same - I don’t really want to be the home help so saying thanks for running a perfect household probably isn’t going to make me feel warm and fuzzy.

Gosh, where did all the surrendered wives come from today?

Has anyone seen Bad Sisters? Sounds like something "The Prick" would have written in a card to his wife.

OP, you will get wildly varying responses because people naturally project their own relationship dynamics onto threads like this. Personally, I don't like it. To me it shows that he thinks 'keeping the home' is YOUR job, when it should be a team effort. I also wouldn't be happy in a relationship where my worth to my partner was measured by my house-keeping ability. DH would never think to say something like this because we keep the home together. He's also a feminist so has a basic understanding of how IWD relates to the Womens Rights Movement. I agree with your instinct that your Husband linking IWD to you doing a grand job of cleaning the house is tone deaf. But I completely understand that in some marraiges comments like this would be normal and some woman would take it as a compliment.

You’ve obviously got bigger fish to fry than this. If you were happy in your marriage and liked your husband this would be a non- issue. Your reaction is the result of existing resentment in your marriage.

Good god, men really cant do anything right these days.

I'd love my DH to say i keep a perfect house, i know i dont, but i try!😂

How ungrateful.

Mountain, meet molehill.

I'd be pissed off, OP. He's basically patting you on the head for housework — housework which he doesn't feel he needs to contribute to from what you've said. It's immensely patronising. Every year now you must give him a card on his birthday saying things like:

You're quite a decent driver, dear husband!!
My Alan — not bad at mowing the lawn!!
You make a halfway decent roast twice a year — well done!!
For Alan, this was the year you actually did a wash: what a man!!

I absolutely hate the way in which so many International Women's Day celebrations require women to do domestic things — make cakes, organise meals, do the washing up, organise the children to do things. You don't ruddy need your husband to congratulate you for doing the laundry.

Well then no-one would say it to you, would they?

The OP does.

It doesn't mean that he thinks that's all you are good at.

I think it's nice that he appreciates it. Isn't that better than him not even noticing and just taking it for granted?
.

I think it's a very nice thing to say.

Fair enough.

I don't.

It would feel like a condescending pat on the head about what a good little woman I am, even if it wasn't intended that way

Then don't play the 'good little woman' role. 🤷‍♀️

I say hats off to women who do dedicate their lives to childcare & being a homemaker. Obviously I'm referring to those who make an excellent job of it. It may not be every womans idea of self worth. I think they have every right to feel just as proud of themselves as those who have no respect for the role.

It’s just not what many of us want to be recognised or appreciated for, that’s all. Asking to be recognised for the things we value about ourselves as individuals is hardly asking for the world on a stick, in my view.

I would take it as a compliment. Just think it's a clumsy way of showing his appreciation x

Sorry, repeating myself there when trying to edit.

Perhaps I simply can't understand why being a good 'homemaker' or being complimented for the same is demeaning to women. If lifting a cloth feels below you then employ a cleaner. Oh I forgot, that's a job which detracts from a woman's self worth. 🙄

I wouldn't be overly happy with the sentiment but fortunately I am shit at housework so there's no risk of getting that message. 😄

It would feel like a condescending pat on the head about what a good little woman I am, even if it wasn't intended that way.

If my partner was acknowledging IWD then I would hope it would be in a more meaningful way than complementing me on my domestic skills. I'd much rather an ongoing dialogue and understanding of the inequality, risk and threats facing women and a commitment to being part of the solution. Thankfully, I have that kind of relationship.

If my partner was acknowledging IWD then I would hope it would be in a more meaningful way than complementing me on my domestic skills. I'd much rather an ongoing dialogue and understanding of the inequality, risk and threats facing women and a commitment to being part of the solution. Thankfully, I have that kind of relationship.

It would feel like a condescending pat on the head about what a good little woman I am, even if it wasn't meant that way.

But you do have a bit of a stereotypical/ traditional set-up don't you? If you work part time, what are you doing with the rest of your time? Household chores and admin, I'd wager.

It sounds like you just don't like this being mentioned.

Jesus wept.

I would see it as he didn’t have anything else good to say and this was the only thing he could come up with.

An ex wrote in my card “you mean something to me I just don’t know what”. Well that basically summed up our entire relationship. 😂

But surely this isn’t about those women, it’s about OP? Her not feeling happy or proud of this sentiment takes nothing from women who would be. Clearly she doesn’t derive her sense of personal value from ‘keeping house’, and it’s concerning that her husband either doesn’t know this about her, or knows and doesn’t care.

I think it depends on the overall relationship.

If this is a point of contention between the two of you, and you've been asking him for years to do more and it fell on deaf ears, I wouldn't see it as a compliment either, but more of a "suck it up, buttercup" things aren't going to change statement.

Personally I would be extremely proud if my DH said I kept a perfect home. Since having children I always worked part time. There are women who dedicate their lives to being a 'homemaker' This includes the majority of childcare & household tasks while the husband is the breadwinner often working all hours in stressful jobs. To be offended for receiving gratitude for keeping a perfect home is demeaning to women who happily take on this role. They have every right to feel proud of themselves for the excellent job they do.