Dh’s card said I ‘Kept a perfect home’

Those saying "but it's a compliment!", do you not recognise that casual sexism is often dressed up as a compliment? That's one of the reasons so many men get away with it. Because then if women complain about the sexist element of the comment they're told that they're ungrateful. Their feelings are even dismissed by other women, as evidenced by this thread. Apparently we should all consider ourselves so lucky to recieve complements by men that the intent behind it is never worth examining.

Women who are subject to street harassment are often told to "take it as a compliment" that random men have deemed them attractive enough to shout or whistle at . Some Husbands who can't be arsed to cook or do housework will try to flatter their wives with "but you do it so much better than me!" I've had a Senior Manager try to talk me into having a difficult conversation with an employee at my grade on his behalf because they might get cry and "you're just so much better at handling those situations". It can be a "compliment" in the eyes of the giver and still be recieved as sexist.

Yep. I wonder how many women would think to thank their male partners for "keeping a perfect home".

He sounds like he really appreciates what you do for him. I'd take that as a huge compliment

God, I’d be livid. How bloody patronising.

Thankfully, I have a normal, modern relationship in which I’m an equal.

Why not just accept the flowers and comments the way they were intended? Poor bloke 😢

I think many men like to convince themselves that, deep down, all women enjoy and take pride in 'keeping a perfect home'. After all, if men faced the fact that most women find housework just as much of a tedious grind as men do, they might have to feel guilty about not sharing the load equally. So your dh is complimenting you on something he's convinced himself is important to you.

It’s not wrong when it’s not the only thing he can remember about his long marriage….
(Assuming this WAS a happy long marriage. Nothing there is telling you it was. Fir BOTH of them)

Because there’s two type of ‘feeling under valued’.

1- people who things because they care and would like a thank you from time to time. They're happy to do the cooking and cleaning. So a thank you goes a long way because they also know it’s appreciated. The card only reinforce that/makes it more obvious.

2- people who are very resentful because they’re taken for granted. They’ve raised the issue of needing a better balanced relationship many times. And it has got nowhere because their partner doesn’t care. That’s tye OP. And in this case, it’s just another ‘fuck you’ message.

They’re happy to fact you (and/or other posters) fall into the first category (doing all that because it’s normal. I’d just like a thank you) doesn’t mean the OP does.

The main thing is this couple sound like they had a long & happy marriage. So what if his wife took pleasure in washing & ironing his shirt. It's called caring. Why is that so wrong?

Relevant article from t he Guardian here:
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/mar/07/couples-fight-about-housework-couples-divorce-about-housework-surely-it-would-be-easier-if-men-just-did-more-housework?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

I'm really surprised by the responses that you've had to this, OP. I would be very unimpressed if DH said something like that to me.

Surely everyone thanks the person who made their dinner?

Urghhh but I'd assume it was meant well. My friend in her 70s went to her female friends funeral (she was a similar age) & apparently her husband stood up at the funeral & told everyone what a great wife she was & how he would take of his shirt & the next day his wife had washed, dried & ironed it! My poor friend was raging! Surely us ladies can be viewed as far more important than housekeepers!

Oh no! You cook your husbands dinner. Now that really is demeaning to women. I hope you don't clean up afterwards. That would really be letting the side down.Where is your self worth?😂😂😂

My dh would never write something like that, and if he did it would be firmly tongue in cheek

I know what you mean, but he's trying to appreciate you.

Perhaps this deserves a conversation in the future about what's expected of each of you, and what your roles are in the home..

It can be so difficult to get out of the 1950s mindset, but these days things HAVE changed, and unfortunately it takes a bit of conversation to catch up with these changes.

To me, it sounds like you've got a good one, who appreciates what you do. It might have been clumsily done, but he showed his appreciation. There are problems with it, but I feel like he will listen, and things can be fixed.

That's how I read it
I look after the house and work.
Dh works longer houses and it's a more physically demanding job - but he really appreciates what I do.
So I would find his card lovely- my dh thanks me after he's had his tea - it took me a wild to get use to that , but it was the way he was brought up.

You’re right.
It says exactly what HE appreciates about the OP.
Nothing about her,

Yeah, I'd be pissed off too

All the other stuff you do, but he mentions that?? It's as if that's the crux of what you do: keep a perfect home

I bet you'd never ever say that to him??

And tbh no, I couldn’t appreciate the sentiment either. Not when it’s based on ideas that deeply conflict how I see my role in the family. And his.

If the OP didn’t already have issue re his lack of ‘interest’ in running the house, I’m sure she wouldn’t be as annoyed either.
Whereas that, for me, is more like kick in the teeth disguised as a nice gesture (and the OP can’t even tell him straight away because it’s ’From dd’)

He didn't say that was all you did, just that you kept a perfect home which he obviously appreciates. Nobody would say that about me :), I wish I was worthy of the accolade.

To write that for International Women’s Day is way off the mark.

It’s taking 1950s ideas of what a great woman is and plastering it onto a card to make it look like he really cares. There is nothing about you and what makes YOU great (as a woman! Rather than as a wife or a mum)

I agree @Upanddancingatsixinthemorning. It says a lot about how he sees your role (and explains all your frustrations about the HW, mental load etc….).

Geez OP. He gave you flowers, a card and gave you a compliment. What a monster.

Your need to over analyse a lovely gesture is poor. Give the guy a break and appreciate the sentiment.

If you question or comment he will never do it again for fear of going wrong.

Seriously get over yourself.

But why are those the choices, doing it all and it going unnoticed, or doing it all and getting a pat on the head once a year? It's such a depressingly low bar. Some men do their fair share of domestic stuff and still notice and express appreciation for what their wives/partners do.

I feel the same. I didn’t get a card for IWD. But that’s fine because I’ve got a partner who pulls his weight all year round. If he left everything to me and then handed me a card once a year congratulating/thanking me for doing something I have no choice but to do because of his own ineptitude I’d be enraged, frankly.

If keeping house is what a woman loves and chooses then it’s different, of course. But that’s not the impression I get of OP.