Dh’s card said I ‘Kept a perfect home’

It’s INTERNATIONAL women’s day, it’s observered where we live, what a weird thing to take an issue with!

'Maybe funnel this anger into dealing with those issues instead?'
That is one way of describing what IWD is meant to be about...

Yep, your other issues combining with damning with praise from another age. Maybe funnel this anger into dealing with those issues instead?

@Allthenameshavegone1972 did you miss the part where he does fuck all? No 50/50 at weekends, not a bit during the week, but fuck all.

Poor bloke. He hasn't said "house, he has said "home."
I give my husband hell when he doesn't notice I've done something like a household job we have talked about doing for ages and I have dne it while he has been doing a DIY job in his man shed.
He probably means all the things you do. NOT all the things you should do - just for being his partner and making the house a home. They are not the same.

Striking that organising the childcare in this scenario would fall to her rather than to him . . .

I wonder how many women all over the place are saving their households a fortune by ‘only’ working part-time.

Why couldn't he acknowledge anything else about her? Why did it have to be about housework?

Even if the setup involves the woman doing most of the housework, women are more than housework and homemaking.

Great point. If he works full time & you part time then it's only fair you take on more of the domestic stuff. You can't work part time, him full time during the week then expect him to share responsibility 50-50 during the week. Obviously, he should clear up after himself, help with bedtime etc & at weekends stuff to do is shared 50 50. If you don't like this division of labour organise childcare & work full time too.
Some people are not happy & have to pick fault with everything these days. What would you have said/felt if he'd totally ignored the day & not acknowledged your contribution towards making a nice home for you all?

That's because they live in a country where it IS a thing.

I think it’s really thoughtful he did this for IWD my partner probably doesn't even know it’s a thing to be honest!

I think it's a nice message that you are the glue in the family

Yes I honestly don’t see what’s not to get here. OP has made it quite clear that she’s not happy to be defined by that role and resents the lack of meaningful household effort from her husband, which essentially means the card is adding insult to injury. That’s kind of the whole point of the thread. Whether other women are happy to be so defined is beside the point - the thread isn’t about them. There seem to be quite a few posters using this thread for validation about their own preferences when they aren’t relevant to the OP’s situation. The question is whether her husband knows how she feels and is being deliberately antagonistic (in which case, arsehole), or doesn’t know how she feels, in which case there needs to be much better communication.

I would take it as a beautiful comment

I have no doubt you are happy cooking and cleaning to your high feminine standards. We are all different and a sexist division of labour clearly works for your family.

That said, I hope you noticed this thread is not about you. OP is not happy to be the sole domestic appliance. Being praised by her dh for it with a card as an afterthought without changing his ways is patronising and derogatory.

Why make an issue....The flowers were a lovely gesture, why would you want to spoil things. Some people are never happy

Great reply but I do have to ask what would be wrong with staying at home all day cooking & cleaning if happy in that role? 😀

I'd take it to mean you made the home warm and comfortable with a happy atmosphere for the people who lived with you and they felt loved and cared for. I'd be very happy with that nice compliment. It doesn't mean you stay home all day cooking and cleaning because obviously you don't.

Granted & agree. At the time I was thinking about a friend's DH who polishes cutlery & glasses after removing them from the dishwasher & that's just for starters. 😂

if he'd said "keeping a perfect HOUSE" it'll have a bit of a meh ring to it' "Home" is where the heart is

I’m sorry. That’s awful. I know it’s no consolation, but I personally know several women in the exact same position. It’s depressingly common. It’s all very well telling women to ‘just work full-time, then’, but these remarks rarely come with any helpful suggestions about where the extra childcare/household support is supposed to come from. Let’s be honest, it’s very common for women who do work full-time to be lumbered with all the life admin anyway. It’s all well and good lionising men for being breadwinners, but when push comes to shove I doubt many of them would want to change places with their part-time working or SAH partners. The men who claim it’s easy tend to think that because they do a piss poor job of it when they try.

Thank you for this. Sadly it describes my life perfectly, but I never dared speak up for fear of being labelled or pilloried. I became a SAHM after being a full time professional for 20yrs. DH then buried himself at work 5days/wk, so I became a single wife, he slept in on w/ends because he'd "worked so damn hard all week"!!
The irony was totally lost on him. So bloody self centred.
I was totally trapped, doing 100% of the childcare and absolutely everything else. All school related stuff, uniforms, homework etc, and nurse/maid/chef/vet/ gardener/chauffeur/ mechanic/handyman, as well as supporting him.
His contributions were switching on the dishwasher after he'd eaten his dinner (most of the time he couldn't even do that) and he kept sneakily piling on the tasks.
Whenever I asked for support, like 1 night "off", I was always told "that's just not going to happen". So I stopped asking.
Early 2020 I got covid then had a meltdown with everyone at home 24/7 I was totally burnt out, all while going through menopause with absolutely no support.
We did not survive this. Am solo and much happier.

I wondered about this myself.

Does he ever get a thanks for being the breadwinner? That's a heavy load to carry on behalf of four or five people.

IWD has been around for years, seems like this the 1st time he's recognised it in this way? It may have been encouraged at school? Maybe DD wanted to say nice things and DH has paraphrased (badly)? In Europe kids start school at 6yrs not 4/5yrs like the UK.

NBU. TBH I'd be miffed too. It sounds patronising. Been there. Would much rather DH was present, involved and doing his share, than a spectator offering a thoughtless card on IWD.

And yet OH still cooked,cleaned ,did shopping, took DD out. Even when he had longer hours/commute.When he worked away he did it at the weekend. His dick didn't fall off. He always tried so we didn't have arguments about it. That's being partners rather than flat mates .

A card like that wouldn't bother me because I know it means he's grateful I keep down the fort when he can't(which is fair enough), not because he won't (spoilt man child).

OP describes him as doing ‘sweet FA’. That’s not acceptable if they both work. It would scarcely be acceptable if she was a SAHM. There may be pressures on her to work part-time. It certainly doesn’t seem like her husband is the type to adjust his own life to facilitate her move to full-time. Maybe he could pay 50% for professional childcare, cleaning, cooking etc. But I can’t imagine he’d be over the moon about that either. A lot of women get stuck in situations where they can’t work full-time, but still have to work part-time and shoulder all the household chores, life admin etc. It would be disingenuous to suggest we don’t collectively know this to be the case.