Just need a rant because I feel awful

Hope you all have a lovely day!!
you should be so proud of yourself, you sound like a fab Mum, you’ve broken the ‘shit mum’ cycle of abuse!
Get yourself out of there, settle in a new home (even if it’s temporary) and accept support from your Dad, cut all contact with your Mum.
Hope things get easier going forward! 💐

Hearing how toxic your mother is makes it clear why you ended up in an abusive relationship.

My mother was the same. It absolutely is not you OP. She’s a grade A cunt.

I hope you and your little family find peace and happiness. Stay away from her.

OPs mother clearly has no empathy whatsoever or she would not have treated her daughter this way in the first place.

OPs father is behaving like any normal, loving parent would do so not really a saint.

I would write down how you are feeling and, if you can, include some examples of what you have been through. Make a copy of it to keep, then give the original to your Mum and Dad too. She needs to know and understand what she is doing and what you have been through. If it is in black and white and you give it to them both there is no denying she has received it. Writing it down can be cathartic and help you get your words out. Once she has it she then has two options - understand and start to empathise, or not. If it's the latter, get yourself and your children out of there and never look back. This way, you have done all you can to reach out to her, the ball is in her court. She sounds horrendous though and I'd be tempted to bet she will not change. But for your sanity you have to have tried everything I think, your Dad sounds like a saint.

So sorry to hear how it is all getting to you ... I guess you have bottled up a lot of stress and sorrow but sometimes it has to come out. Which is not a bad thing really, better than bottling it up forever.

You're being strong for your children and a better mum than your mother has been to you.

I agree with others saying you did nothing wrong. In fact, you are setting your children up for a better life by moving them away from that toxic environment where their mum was being abused by their dad.

And no, you wouldn't be unreasonable to cut your mother out of your life too once you are able to. In times of crisis we need people to support us not make us feel worse and she is behaving very, very unkindly.

You did nothing wrong at all @cheekycee
this is terrible from your mum.. I wondered if she has dementia actually from what you’ve said. You deserve support. Your father sounds lovely. Hang in there. Well done for leaving. Wonderful thing you have done for yourself and for your children. There’s nothing better you could’ve done for them in life. Big hug xx

Well we can all see why you made a bad husband choice, with a mother like that it was inevitable! You didn’t know what love was because your mother didn’t show you.

Im sorry.

Because people who grew up in abusive households tend to repeat the cycle in adult life with their partners.

It’s not you. She has programmed you from a child to seek out this type of relationship with your partners - you are essentially replacing your mother with your adult partners. When you have time I would really start investing in reading some books about breaking generational trauma cycles etc.

I’m sorry if my post triggered something.

OP, you deserve kindness. Kindness costs nothing and while it might be hard having extra people in the house, it’s a temporary situation. First be kind to yourself, you did not deserve what’s happened to you.

You’ve been through a lot, and I’m pretty sure I’m right when I say I think it’s around 7 times that someone who is abused tries to leave their abuser before they finally manage it.

When you’ve spent a long time in an abusive relationship, it’s not always as easy as people otherwise think to see it for what it is.

I agree with PPs that the way your Mum is behaving is probably a part of the reason you ended up in the situation that you did, and that the Freedom programme would probably help you.

It’s ok to cry, to be sad. You deserve hugs and support, you’ve done a hard thing and it’s the first step on a journey to a better, happier future for you and your children.

Hi OP, I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's not your fault and your mum is emotionally abusive herself.

What I would suggest you do is go to the local Council. Speak to them and say you fled domestic abuse as it was unsafe to remain where you lived. You have taken refuge at your parent's house but you can't stay there any longer, your mother is aggressive towards you and you are severely overcrowded living in one room.

This is not a healthy or supportive environment and you deserve all the support you can get after what you have been through ❤️

Your mother is probably a factor in you being susceptible to abusive men.

stop thinking about her - easy to say hard to do.
focus your energy on new accommodation. You’ve had good advice.
focus on you relationship with your father

good luck and well done for getting your kids out. Whatever happens don’t go back…

Being raised by an abusive parent typically makes people more vulnerable to getting into further abusive relationships as you’re less likely to have been brought up with a healthy sense of self worth or awareness of healthy boundaries. Have you had some therapy to try and boost your self esteem?
treat yourself as you would your best friend, there’s no way you would blame them for bring the victim of someone else’s actions so don’t do it to yourself.
this is your chance to be a cycle breaker and raise your kids to not accept poor / abusive / toxic behaviour from others x

No no no! It is not you!
People who have had abusive childhoods are sadly a magnet for abusive partners in adulthood. Not always but often.
How was this charming woman during your childhood...?

Oh hun rant away. It sounds like the shittiest of shit situations and you did the right thing.

Gosh she sounds horrid, you poor thing. Why is she like that?

But yes I think I would move out and have nothing to do with her ever again.

If I was your dad I’d kick your abusive ‘mother’ out.

I have a similar version which means my dad has lost out so much of his family.

Once your job starts etc can you rent a home, can he lend you any money for a deposit or can you utilise the DV additional funding scheme for the one off support payment? Although I’m not sure if it’s still available post Covid?

This!

I’m currently having counselling and I’ve realised that my mum conditioned me to accept abuse and gave me the childhood which essentially built an association between love and bullying. It saddens me to realise that I’ve never had a healthy relationship till my children. It could be worth you getting counselling?
Also you may start to see your dad in a different light? My dad knew what my mum was like but still left me in her care. There were times he could have stood up for me but didn’t.

I am really sorry for your situation. I work as a midwife and sadly we see DV on a very regular basis. We also get a lot of training on how to spot the signs etc. So I know what you are talking about.

It's true most abusers present as very charming men.

I don't think it's your fault at all you ended up with an abusive man. You mum doesn't sound the most loving person from your description. I am pretty certain you grew up with her calling you names etc. Mums don't change suddenly when a daughter with young children suddenly needs shelter in her childhood home. I don't want come across as I am rubbishing your mum. She is your mum after all. I am also pretty certain she has her own demons. However I suspect that you fell for an abusive man because you were not brought up in a relationship with healthy boundaries and respectful communication.

It's a good thing you are beginning see patterns in your life. I really do think you will benefit from counselling. Are there any local domestic abuse charities that can offer your free or subsidised counselling?

I also think moving into sheltered accommodation might be a sensible idea. It's difficult for a single woman with children to get private rental. If you are in sheltered accommodation, the council has a legal duty to find you suitableaccommodation. It will take some time but it will eventually happen. It's my understanding they won't do anything if you are living with your parents.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Please grab whatever help is offered to you. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Often it's the bravest thing one can do.

On a personal note, my mum and I had to flee an abusive home. It was very tough for the first couple of years. With the benefit of hindsight it was the best thing that happened to both of us.

I hope it helps

How? Probably because you grew up with a vile, abusive mother who seems to be enjoying kicking you when you are down and vulnerable, which is beyond disgusting. Growing up being abused probably made you a lot more vulnerable to being with an abusive partner because your mum normalised you being abused and not cared for.

Tbh I'd move to sheltered accommodation to break the cycle, cur your mum off permanently and make clear to your dad that you love him but the kids and you will only see him going forward because your mum is abusive.

So sorry to read this. The abuse is not your fault, you are a victim. Have you been to the council to explain your situation escaping DV, and get on their housing list? It’s crucial to get that ball rolling if you haven’t already.

You need to get yourself and your DC to a safe, peaceful environment as your mother’s toxicity will be impacting them. Your Dad sounds great and hopefully he can continue to offer good support once you get your own place. And then you can choose to go low contact with your mother or whatever you feel is best for you. She sounds vile. Wishing you the best of luck.