Just need a rant because I feel awful

It sounds like you and your dad should both leave her tbh. She’s no better than your ex once you get away from her don’t ever go back just see your dad. If you stay in contact with her you will never heal. She doesn’t deserve your time or your dc time. There is no love from her definitely cut contact. You don’t want your dc to think abuse is normal whether it’s a man or woman good luck.

I'm afraid both of your parents have given you a very unhealthy view of relationships and parenting.

I don't think that he's particularly behaving that much like a normal loving parent - why is he enabling the abuse? He may be acting like a loving parent and grandparent, but he's not REALLY doing anything to stop his abusive wife.

You're definitely OK to cut her off - I think you need to!

Hi OP

Lots of posters who have suffered abuse grew up with an abusive or neglectful parent.

It's not you that's the link here, it's likely your mum who raised you in a way that makes it difficult for you to have strong boundaries or spot abuse.

I'm so sorry she is not more supportive, you deserve to have some help at such an awful time.

No you wouldn't be unreasonable to cut her off.

Take the sheltered accommodation. Your mum sounds abusive too which is likely why you ended up with an abusive partner.
It's not you or anything you've done

But he still knew what was going on and didn't take action.You can't absolve him of responsibility for keeping children in an abusive environment just because he worked away. children have one view of the situation (mum told us not to say anything) but adults often have a much deeper more sophisticated understanding of what's actually going on than children realise.

Even now your dad is still enabling her whilst playing the good guy to you. It's a toxic environment.

The fact your dad has enabled your mum could be a root cause for why you've made poor choices in partners without realising why. You've cast yourself subconsciously in the role your dad fulfilled because in your mind he's a good guy so you'd be following in his footsteps.

In order for children to be emotionally abused in a family it takes one to abuse and one to enable by not taking action.

It's an uncomfortable truth but in order to break patterns and choices of partner we need to understand why we do.

If your dad stands by and let's his DD and GC go into a shelter rather than really standing up to his wife I'd be furious that he was so weak.

@DarkMagicStars and that's a reason. to be abusive? for OPs whole life. Stop excusing abusive behaviour

Your mother is an abuser and you need to get your children away from her before she turns on them.

Do the online freedom course to help you recognise red flags in your personal relationships.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/sample-online/home.php

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Some people really, really struggle with having others in their home. Especially when they’ve moved their kids and all of their belonging in.

You’ve been there for months - What have you done to try and find a new home?

I think for your dc's sake, you need to go into sheltered housing until you can sort your own place our. Going from one abusive environment to another is not good for them They need to know that home can be happy and loving, you're the adult now, you heed to model this.

I wondered if she has dementia
Can we please stop with this shitty excuse for abusive parents!!
She has been like this OPs whole life.
Either it's dementia or ND to excuse cunty behaviour , it's pathetic.

She's a really nasty, selfish and cruel woman. I'm sorry you had to grow up with that. I also feel sorry for your dad as he sounds like a nice man who is probably being emotionally abused himself.

Yup, she's definitely a narcissist and an abuser. I'm so sorry for you, your dad and your siblings.

Your dad sounds abused as well. I think people don't always recognise that men are abused, they don't even see it themselves but she's clearly given him a horrible life. I hope you can get away and maybe he can as well.

It's likely that you were attracted to your ex because he reminded you of your mum. But you.do not deserve to be abused. How does your mum treat your dad?

@cheekycee Your mother sounds truly awful OP. Even total strangers on MN (like me) have more compassion for you than your own mother - it beggars belief she could be so vile when you've been the victim of domestic abuse. The fact that she's also been awful to both your siblings speaks volumes - it's a "her" problem. Your dad, on the other hand, sounds great - very supportive - and I wonder if she's jealous because he's the kind of parent she's apparently incapable of being? Whatever the reason for her cruelty, you have done nothing wrong OP and are clearly a better mother than she will ever be. Definitely move to a refuge, if you can, to get away from her, but maintain a relationship with your lovely dad.
I hope you and your DC can have a fun day today. Best of luck OP. 🤗

Why has your dad allowed his children to be treated this way?

You all know she's toxic and yet your dad stays in a situation where she is openly abusing his DD. He may step in from time to time but he's also enabling her and it sounds like he let it happen when you were kids. That is not a good parent either. Don't let him off the hook because he occasionally speaks up.

He should have left her years ago and created a safe space for his kids knowing what she was like.

I'd be angry at the pair of them, despite how nice you're trying to paint him.

Do what your dad didn't and get your kids out of there and cut contact.

Is your abusive ex the father of your children?

It's not you. I can promise you, it's not you. My DM would be horrible about my ex (I think because she was jealous) but when we finally split up she did nothing to help. She enjoyed it. She had always wanted me to have a horrible and poor life. I know this seems so odd to people with good parents. My DF like yours only wanted the very best for me and he helped when things were bad. That's a parent.

If my two went through anything they know without question they can come to me and I'll help.

You will be okay.

Reading between the lines it sounds like your mother is also abusive. Which is why you ended up with an abusive partner without realising it! Both of them are toxic and it is NOT your fault!

I think it’s highly likely that having an abusive mother who likely destroyed your self esteem and skewed your ability to recognise inappropriate behaviour and boundaries set you up as the perfect victim for domestic abuse in romantic relationships. It’s also highly unlikely she can’t recognise you as a victim in your romantic relationship because to do so would require her evaluating her own behaviour, which I imagine she is loathe to do. Do yourself and your children a favour and get out of there asap, sign up for the freedom programme (your local children’s centre should deliver this) and read overcoming low self esteem.

This is likely why you ended up in an abusive marriage. We gravitate to those who make us feel ‘loved’ and your version as a child was this eggshell-walking, unpredictable, hateful sort of relationship, so when your ex made you feel the same sorts of feelings it was familiar to you. Something like that, anyway. I’m glad you’re away from your H and I hope you can get away from your M as well. Then you can break the cycle with your own children.