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Original poster

Is this rude if you were a guest?

317 replies

Britishsummertime22 · 07/03/2025 23:36

If you were a guest in someone's house and they went up to bed without saying goodnight or telling you they were going to bed/not coming back downstairs would you think that was rude?

OP posts:
abs12 · 08/03/2025 10:16

This exactly has happened to me. I thought it was so bizarre, thought my friend had gone to the loo... But no, she never came back. I didn't even know how to turn off the TV?!?

I was meant to be staying three nights, to keep her company while her dog was away lol. I was like, she clearly doesn't want company and left the next day. The whole thing was weird and awkward...

BlackWhiteCircle · 08/03/2025 10:04

@Spudthespanner if it helps, I regularly change the amount/ages of children if it’s not relevant to the post I’m making as my life is so bizarre and fucked up that I’d clearly be recognisable, and if people listed everything that happened to me in my life they would assume I was making it up as surely that can’t all happen to one person. Sometimes life is shit!

LoremIpsumCici · 08/03/2025 10:02

IlooklikeNigella · 08/03/2025 09:57

Totally weird and rude. Are the two people a couple? I'd assume some silent exchange happened between them and an argument had kicked off upstairs.

If I didn't get an apology or explanation today I'd consider leaving.

Apology for what?! For going to bed? Good grief.

LoremIpsumCici · 08/03/2025 10:01

I don’t think it’s necessarily rude. If you’re like family, then just popping off to bed and leaving you the living room to stay up as late as you like is treating you like family imho. Saying “I’m off to bed” can be a nudge nudge shouldnt YOU go to bed too guest person type of hint.

I wouldn’t think anything of it, especially if

  • you are close to them
  • there is any ND or introversion
melonalone · 08/03/2025 10:00

Britishsummertime22 · 07/03/2025 23:51

I'm just wondering whether I should say something tomorrow

Have they said anything today, OP? Is there an atmosphere?

The fact they both did the same thing could mean that it’s just what they do in their house? If I did that my partner would say “I wonder where she’s gone”, he wouldn’t just disappear after me in silence. (So odd!)

Can you stay somewhere else or is this trip to stay with them specifically?

IlooklikeNigella · 08/03/2025 09:57

Totally weird and rude. Are the two people a couple? I'd assume some silent exchange happened between them and an argument had kicked off upstairs.

If I didn't get an apology or explanation today I'd consider leaving.

StScholastica · 08/03/2025 09:54

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2025 09:25

Are you family or a friend of one of them?

Can you ask this morning if there's a problem?

Or are they generally not good at social skills?

Show quote history

This, I'd either assume that id upset them or that they lacked social graces.
I'd ask in the morning if I'd upset them.

EdithBond · 08/03/2025 09:53

MumonabikeE5 · 08/03/2025 09:06

I’d suspect that I had missed their multiple subtle indicators that the evening had come to an end and that they were withdrawing.

so I would be embrassed that I had caused my host awkwardness

Why’s there a need to make subtle indicators? Why not be direct: ‘Right, I’m shattered, so off to bed now. Everything’s locked up. Stay up if you like and help yourself to anything you need. Sleep well’.

Sevenamcoffee · 08/03/2025 09:52

It is rude but I don’t feel you need to overreact to it. They perhaps don’t realise it’s rude? I’ve a friend who does things I consider rude but I’ve known her long enough to know she doesn’t mean it. If everything seems fine today I’d just forget about it.

DeanElderberry · 08/03/2025 09:52

Yes, it was rude, but being charitable, it might have been well past their usual bedtime and the one who went up first thought the other would explain, and the one who went up second thought you already knew.

Still not really on to not say goodnight.

DisforDarkChocolate · 08/03/2025 09:51

It depends on who they were, son etc, not at all.

Peoniesandcats · 08/03/2025 09:31

how was the vibe this morning?

Gwenhwyfar · 08/03/2025 09:28

"normal manners would dictate that you go to be at or before their usual time I think."

Very uptight. If I'm tired I'll go to bed early, doesn't mean my guests need to.

mumda · 08/03/2025 09:28

Britishsummertime22 · 07/03/2025 23:43

I feel so uncomfortable. Honestly I feel like I shouldn't be here now and I'm hundreds of miles from home.

Show quote history

Go to bed really early tonight. Say goodnight.

Safxxx · 08/03/2025 09:27

Good morning hope you had a restful sleep, have the other 2 woken up yet? Any explanation on their behalf? Do ask them why they left without a goodnight....I hope it's not a big issue and the remainder of your stay goes well.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2025 09:25

Britishsummertime22 · 08/03/2025 05:41

I know. Sometimes I change the very odd detail just not to be identifiable by friends/colleagues and family in situations where I feel I would really benefit from speaking to other women and getting advice but I don't want to upset or offend anyone. I didn't think this was a problem as it doesn't effect anyone else and I've seen lots of other people do it regularly as so as not to be outing. As for the reply about me "wanting to die" yes, very sadly I have struggled previously with depression. I'm not sure why that would be okay to hold against me.

Show quote history

Are you family or a friend of one of them?

Can you ask this morning if there's a problem?

Or are they generally not good at social skills?

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 08/03/2025 09:16

BunnyLake · 08/03/2025 09:14

But she’s an overnight guest isn’t she? Why do you need subtle indicators for that? You just say, well it’s been a lovely evening but I’m going to bed now, i’ll see you in the morning? Or words to that effect.

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Exactly. It's not difficult.

BunnyLake · 08/03/2025 09:14

MumonabikeE5 · 08/03/2025 09:06

I’d suspect that I had missed their multiple subtle indicators that the evening had come to an end and that they were withdrawing.

so I would be embrassed that I had caused my host awkwardness

But she’s an overnight guest isn’t she? Why do you need subtle indicators for that? You just say, well it’s been a lovely evening but I’m going to bed now, i’ll see you in the morning? Or words to that effect.

repellingmnvipers · 08/03/2025 09:14

Halloumiheaven · 08/03/2025 00:35

To be honest this is the sort of thing my DH would do (undiagnosed Asperger's)

My sister in law possibly would too (doesn't seem to love socialising)

But I think it's rude yes. Very rude actually.

How does your DH know it's specifically Asperger's and not just ASD? Just curious how you distinguished as I am undiagnosed and suspect some form of ND but I couldn't pin point without diagnosis?

repellingmnvipers · 08/03/2025 09:10

SnoopyPajamas · 08/03/2025 00:21

I'd probably just laugh it off with them in the morning. "I didn't realise you'd gone to bed! I hope I wasn't keeping you up. What time do you usually turn in?"

If there were any hints you missed that's an easy way to set expectations for the next two nights

I would approach this situation the same way. Suggestions from PP to go NC are extreme!

Diningtableornot · 08/03/2025 09:09

Britishsummertime22 · 07/03/2025 23:51

I'm just wondering whether I should say something tomorrow

I think you should say you weren’t sure they were going to bed and ask if anything was wrong. Keep it light. There may be an innocent explanation. Eg one went up to the loo, found a worrying message on their phone, the other one came up and they started discussing it and forget they hadn’t said godnight.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 08/03/2025 09:08

Newfoundzestforlife · 08/03/2025 06:53

Aren't jokes meant to be funny?

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I laughed..

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 08/03/2025 09:07

Catza · 08/03/2025 08:54

The definition of formal is "in accordance with convention or etiquette". How is saying good night not formal?
Also note me using "more formal" which indicates a sliding scale between not formal at all (going off without saying anything) and doing a ceremonial "good night" dance in black tie. "I'm off to bed" would sit somewhere right of saying nothing at all which would make it more formal.

Show quote history

Alright. But they didn't say anything at all by the sounds of it. Just disappeared. That's rude.

repellingmnvipers · 08/03/2025 09:07

Vaxtable · 07/03/2025 23:58

It’s really rude. I would be going to bed now, then getting up early and going home. Leave a note saying you do t know what you did, but as they were so rude as to disappear like they did you are assuming they don’t want you to stay

then stop having any contact

You would fit sine one out for not saying good night? You wouldn't want to discuss and see what they say first?

MumonabikeE5 · 08/03/2025 09:06

I’d suspect that I had missed their multiple subtle indicators that the evening had come to an end and that they were withdrawing.

so I would be embrassed that I had caused my host awkwardness

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