Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Why did you ring back for the second time to then have another argument about Mothers Day?

You clearly are demanding OP even if you refuse to recognise this. You are obviously putting too much pressure on your son and he’s voiced this. He’s starting a new life with his wife to be and I’m afraid you need to recognise this and take a step back. You’ve been given some sound advice on this thread but sadly you don’t appear to be listening.

DS couldn’t move out

OP, I don't think it's surprising that your relationship with him isn't in a great place now if either of you thought this. Of course he always could have moved out, that should always have been a clear option for him. Again, I think you need to take a clear, unbiased look at your relationships with all of your kids. Some have been absolved of even seeing you for 5 years when DS 'couldn't move out'. DIL and her mum are just a distraction.

People with children and/or busy lives tend to see their mothers who only live 1.5 hours away (especially their infirm mothers) more than twice a year unless there is something that has gone on that made them distance themselves.

I mean three meals a day and a clean home is pretty bare essentials. That’s not worthy of some huge pat on the back.

He couldn’t move out well he could since he has now. Probably felt too guilty to before and now his finally got his own life your pissing on his parade about something that hasn’t even happened yet because you got fomo and jealousy issues while your other adult children who did no caring get a free pass because they have children.

I love my children and my grandchildren but unfortunately I cannot force them to come and see me if they don’t want to.

The same is true of your son and DIL. It sounds like they’re taking a lot of flack because he was the last one standing.

I suspect there is a reason that out of all the kids, and your partner at the time, nobody has stayed around, and all your interactions are very carefully planned so that they’re few and far between and don’t last long, but perhaps you are really unlucky. Regardless, you know how they all feel now. Don’t call him so late. Stop pushing him or you’ll push him away entirely.

But it's like you're saying your life stopped when you became disabled, I dont understand why your son had to step up so much? If you really need that much help and support the you shouldve gotten carers not lumped the burden on your son. It's a sensible decision for him to have suggested as it's quite obvious hes fed up.
Why are you making excuses for your other children and expecting so much from your son? I can see why your DIL isnt fussed on you. If my MIL thought it was appropriate to ring my husband at 9pm every night I'd be pissed.

I think you are underestimating the impact being a carer can have on a person. How it changes the relationship. Instead of it being a mother and son relationship, it became a disabled person and carer relationship. Which he didn't sign up for. He did it all because no one else would. He's trying to live his own life now but is still being expected to put himself out because no one else will. So of course he's angry and resentful. You need to build a life for yourself where you don't have to rely on your children to meet your needs. That isn't their job. You are their mother, not their responsibility.

@Nconee why couldn’t your son move out? He’s evidently managed it recently.

And It’s very clear from this post that there is. No two parents will ever be the same and it’s misjudged at best to try and restrict parent child relations.

Do nothing OP. You’re lucky to have a son who thinks of you. The fact that your DIL makes a big fuss of her own mum is irrelevant.

That’s why I put ‘unless there’s something else going on’ in the latter part of my post. I’m understanding of that, I haven’t acknowledged either mother or Father’s Day for years due to bad parents unfortunately. My kids make me a card at school which is wonderful though!

You’re coming from the assumption that all mums are good mums. Some people are successful in spite of their parents.

You can request assistance using the train here: https://www.nationalrail.co.uk/help-and-assistance/passenger-assist/. Get a local taxi service who you have explained your assistance needs to, to take you to the station, and your kids can collect you or taxi at the other end (likewise explain needs in advance so you get some confidence). The more that you can facilitate this, the more you can see your children and grandchildren. If you need Transport for London assistance, their details are here: https://tfl.gov.uk/transport-accessibility/help-from-staff.

I do think you've been unfair to lay all your needs on one child out of 5. It's his turn to start living life now, and there was no need for you to demand that one day instead of "any day to have lunch/ takeaway together that suits". Can you talk to the others about howvto see them more? Would moving to the city 3 kids live in be an option, so you see each one every few weeks but get to see someone every week?

I think OP has 5 children

3 who live about an hour and a half away
A daughter who lives 5 hours away
And the son who has finally stepped out of her house and she can't cope with all her children flying the nest so is blaming him

I wasn't specific about gender, as I don't think we know if all the other kids are sons or daughters, do we? What I'm saying though is that if they really wanted to see their mum, most of the kids are living a shorter distance away than I've commuted for some jobs. And that if taking all the family over makes that 1.5 hours trip too much, just the kid could pop over.
I wasn't thinking of mother's day at all with that thought though, more the kid who the OP hasn't seen in 5 years. It really wouldn't be so hard for that kid to have made that trip even once if they wanted to.
Edited to add: It's clear from the OPs updates that there are much messier family dynamics at play that are feeding her jealousy of her DILs relationship with her own mum. That's what's what I was thinking about the OP fixing, not fixating on making sure everyone got the same size bouquet.

He sorts your gift etc for Mother’s Day, and she sorts her mums gift etc.

Its 100% on your son what he does or doesn’t do.

I think for a lot of MIL they are actually very touched if their DIL arranges it. My MIL certainly is- but then we have a close relationship. I think the difficulty of this discussion is that everyone’s relationships with their sons differ, their DIL differ,

Of course they are, but don't be under the illusion that all loving DIL's feels the same, she most likely loves MIL but would be happier if her Husband took on some of the brain load outside of their employment and hobbies.

I felt terrible when I stopped buying gifts for the inlaws. I know how much she appreciated it, however her son is an adult whose perfectly capable if it was his priority or benefited his needs.

He is a thoughtful loving son who visits at least 6 times a year, not local, but doesn't bother doing gifts, I do all the shopping for the children, their friends, teachers etc.

I done 10 years of it.

In a nutshell:

*You don’t have a close relationship with your 4 adult children.

*Your DIL appears to have a very close and loving relationship with her Mum.

*Witnessing the relationship DIL has with her own Mum has made you feel jealous.
And I can understand and sympathise with that. Mother’s Day coming up has just highlighted this more to you.

However instead of reflecting on why you don’t have a close relationship with your own children and working on improving this - you are getting angry, lashing out, feeling sorry for yourself, making yourself the victim and doing nothing to make the situation better. In fact you have made things worse but phoning your son twice to have a row about it.

The people I know who have very close relationships with their parents - they had parents who were really loving and selfless during their childhoods, they grew up feeling loved, safe, supported. When they were teens and young adults their parents went to lengths to build a strong relationship with them, offering emotional support and help to them when needed. They were families who had fun together and once their children become adults they continue to organise social events for the family where they all come together regularly. In brief - they were people who worked really hard to be great hands on parents, who put in a lot of effort to build strong relationships with them as they grew into young adults.

Did you do this for your children? The answer may be yes and you have been incredibly unlucky. Only you and your children can know the answer to this question. I would really take time to reflect on whether you were a great parent to them and whether you have worked hard to support them selflessly as they became adults.

It’s not too late to turn this around if you want to have a closer relationship with your 4 children. But it involves effort and hard work from you, not acting the victim and having a go at them.

So could that be the reason the others have distanced themselves?

I's a shame you argued again instead of just apologising.

Each person in a partnership is responsible for making a fuss for their own Mum.

What she does for her Mum and what he does for you aren’t really connected.

I agree with the first poster saying that “they” didn’t do anything.

@Simplynotsimple

standing by watching my mil receive next to nothing

Agree with you. This reads as though the wife is widowed and poor MIL doesn't have her son anymore.

standing by watching my mil receive next to nothing

Why would you marry a man that gets his mum next to nothing? I’d look at a man like that and wonder if he’d treat me the same, how off putting. Unless there’s something else going on, which in the case of the OP there very clearly is.

OP if you want to have a good relationship with this son, I think you really need to put some work in with him and his partner.

In fact, I would suggest that you take either just your son or both of them out for dinner one evening. and say the occasion is to thank your son for all he did for you when he lived at home, and it is also a celebration of the forthcoming wedding.

At the very least it would mark that you are aware of his next step in life and that you support him along the way.

You are at risk of losing your relationship with him. I think you need to suppress your frustration, anger and sadness actually. You need to bite your tongue and make a gesture to show that you can make a fresh start and that you support them. Otherwise, I feel your relationship is doomed. I hope I am never in this situation, but in your shoes this is what I would do next.