Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Yes, you are. I have a joint account with my husband but we pay individually for parents gifts. We pay equally into the account but hold back money from our own wages into our own accounts. You are being very unfair towards DIL

You trained your DS and it seems like you were happy with that until he met his fiancée. Nothing has changed and having a joint account means little. I have an adult DS who is married with a baby. I know I'll receive a card and large bouquet of flowers.
Before their baby arrived his DW went out with her DM and DS came out with DH, myself his GMs and our other two young adult DC.
This year I expect he will spend Mother's Day with his DW and DD as it's her first. I raised him to celebrate Mother's and Father's Day in a way I wanted it celebrated. I admit I make a big fuss of their special days too. What DIL does with her DM is none of my business and what she receives isn't either.

There is a quote “A son is a son until he takes a wife”.

Well some sons are less interested in keeping in touch than daughters.

It's nothing to do with them getting married!

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP and I really feel for her, her situation is one most people would feel a bit down about so don’t feel some of these comments are very sympathetic. I am sure your son has felt pressure being the one near by, maybe if you leave it a few days and then possibly reach out and acknowledge this with him it could help rebuild the relationship. Also do your other children realise the extent of your disability day to day? They may not realise how much they all need to make just a bit more effort/how you are feeling if you are always ‘letting them off due to being busy with their own children’ etc. I live 3 hours away from my disabled mum (thankfully my dad is there) and I visit 3/4 times a year staying 1/2 nights (my dc go more often as my dad will meet me and they will stay a few nights during easter and summer hols). If I knew she was feeling lonely I would certainly make more effort to see her even if it was just another couple of times a year. I am
glad you have friends and sisters near you ❤️

That doesn’t mean anything. My DP and I have a joint account and our own accounts. However when his parents give us money for Christmas we ask for it to go in the joint account as we will spend it on house projects.

They may be planning to put it towards the wedding for example.

Been with my partner since 2003, we got married in 2015 and had our first child in 2017. Right up to having children we did Mothers Day/Fathers Day and Christmas with our own families. Once we had children we switched to alternate years with each family with the exception of 2018 (the year Christmas after my Mum died when we hosted everyone) and last Christmas (his families turn but my sister died and that leaves just Dad and me).
On Fathers Day (Mothers Day no longer really applicable as my Mum has died) we try to ensure the kids see both Grandads and pass on cards/pressies but he is responsible for getting something for his Mum/Dad and me for mine.

I think it all depends on what you prioritise. I have a busy job and two small children yet I make the time to see both my family and his because it’s important to us both that our children have the family connections and relationships.

I have extended family who live 2.5 hours drive away and we see them at least 3 times a year. I guess it’s about priorities.

if you would like things to change I suggest you have a frank conversation about it with your family x

I hope you are you DS make up and you enjoy Mother’s Day op x

Have you apologised to him yet OP?

There is a quote “A son is a son until he takes a wife”. I think it’s time to try and increase your own social circle and try new things. Don’t be there when your children ring. Try and grasp back some independence so that you don’t feel like a “burden” - enjoy your life without having to rely on them. Good luck.

It sounds bad, but very similar in my house and I've been with my husband for 20 years. My sister and I, will always take my mum out for lunch/dinner and spoil her for the day. My husband gets his mum a card. I used to try encourage him to at least buy some flowers, but he said they didn't celebrate it growing up. His dad didn't really help the kids to make/buy cards when they were younger and he doesn't remember his mum ever making a fuss of his Grandma.

I have different feelings than most of you. My mother in law is no longer living and my mother is 93. When I married my husband I had a dinner on Mother's Day for both mothers. I know my mil's feelings would have been hurt if she was excluded and I would never do that to her.I guess it depends on the relationship between mil and dil.

I only buy a gift for my mum, I don't contribute towards my MILs mothers day gift and my husband doesn't contribute towards my mums, I don't think it's fair to put the blame of this one onto your DIL.

Do women tend to like it or is it more it is seen as 'women's work' and they often pick up the pieces because it would otherwise mean MIL not getting anything at all? Because the latter isn't the same as the former.

Men are perfectly capable of buying presents. Mine does it.

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They spend less on you because your son has not organised anything. Don't make this about your daughter in law, it's not her fault that your son isn't doing what you expect for mothers day.

I’m sorry to hear that you seem to be very lonely despite having 3 other children. I expect your son feels annoyed that because he doesn’t have any children he is expected to do all the support for you.
My mum lived about 2 hours from us and was disabled (wheelchair user). I had two children (one of whom had a serious medical condition). I would regularly travel to see her on my days off. When she was in hospital I would travel 2 or 3 times a week after work/at the weekend to visit her. Each Christmas my husband would drive to her on Christmas morning to collect her then drive her home in the evening. My brother and his family lived 15 minutes from her. She was never invited there.
One year we all went down with a bug so she couldn’t come to us - she spent Christmas alone.

I think your other children should do their fair share. In the meantime perhaps you could contact a local club and see if there are any activities that you can take part in to widen your circle of friends.

It really is sad. When two people come together, especially to marry it should result in a team that’s better than the individual part. Women tend to like celebrating and making a fuss about mothers’ day, birthdays etc and men tend to like to want to grease the loud door. She’s supposed to be an addition to your family and he an addition to her. If she’s minded to not bring the family together you’ll need to speak to your son to cover for her. Women tend to be the ones keeping family ties going and if they relegate you it will be heartbreaking.

I always bought my own Mum, before she died, and DH Mum similar gifts for Mother's day and for Xmas too. I love my MiL she accepted my DC as her own DGC and always treated them kindly and equally so there was no way I'd be leaving her out. Now it's just her for mother's day gift and we'll make a fuss of her, get her a card, take her flowers and out for a nice meal. She'll be very happy.

And even if they do, if they're not short of money then it is irrelevant. We have completely shared finances, but normally spend more on my family at Christmas than his, for example.

I think it’s quite obvious from this post why your DIL may not like you, she’s obviously the scapegoat for any issues you have with your son and she’s probably fully aware she gets the blame for things or feels she has to justify her close relationship with her family, you’ve created an impossible situation for her and then you seem confused that she may be not your biggest fan. Your son is a grown man therefore is capable of doing adult tasks without the assistance of a woman.

You can say ‘I wasn’t invited to go dress shopping’ then say ‘I can’t go out for a meal as I’m unwell’. Maybe they are confused by what you think you can and can’t do, so don’t invite you. I think you’re putting too much on your son, but not expecting anything from your other children. They can post big gifts if they wanted to

Sorry, just read that they don't have children. I will also add that it's very common that daughters do more with their mothers. My husband didn't even used to get his mother a card until I married him and suggested it would be nice to get her a card and gift (he does now). I think you're reading far too much into it. They might have a joint bank account but that doesn't give you a right to expect exactly the same. That's just ridiculous. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Just because they’re getting married it doesn’t mean they share the same pot of money. A lot of people keep their money separate now (other than money for bills). Times have changed

There's a number of factors at play here.

I sort out gifts for my mother and my husband sorts out the gifts for his mother. I think many families have a similar arrangement. I think it's unfair to put it on the DIL as it's not her responsibility to sort out everything. If my husband said he wanted to take his mother out for dinner I'd happily go with them, but I wouldn't necessarily suggest it myself.

Another thing to consider is do you see the grandchildren/babysit them as much as the other grandparents?

If you're upset you should take it up with your son, but definitely leave your DIL out of it as it will just strain your relationship further.

In honesty, it sounds a little like his siblings are the returning prodigals when they come back...no expectations on them but efforts made to go out etc.

Whereas your son, the youngest I assume, has always been the utility child...makes an effort to get you a present etc but not necessarily worthy of you pushing yourself for. Handy for a lift to the station etc. Now he is spreading your wings and not as useful any more, but also starting to see the difference in how they are all treated.

What do your other kids give you or arrange for Mother's day?

Sorry why would they distance themselves from me because I don’t drink? I have rarely ever drank.

Sorry, I misread it as you used to drink.

I got sick and was medically retired and this meant that DS couldn’t move out.

Why couldn't he?