Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

YABU.

This is how he has always treated you, that is how your DIL has always treated her mum.

Get over it

Yes men are selfish.
He doesn’t have to be her carer but how hard is it for him to spoil his mum a bit on Mother’s Day the same as his partner spoils hers? Especially when she is obviously lonely and in poor health.
this scenario isn’t a unique problem isolated to this family, it’s a widespread pattern. Men can’t be arsed to make an effort with their families and their wives get the blame.

Do you know for a fact every single penny of both of there’s is going in a joint account? There is every chance they have some of their own money still, his gifts to you haven’t changed over the years so I don’t think you really have anything to comment on

And she hasn’t seen her daughter for 5 years!

Men are selfish????

Her son was her caretaker for years!

Hardly selfish.

I’m so sorry OP, men are selfish 💔 . Do you have any daughters?

I wouldn’t do this. You sound rather high maintenance, I feel a little sorry for your daughter in law.
My advice would be to come off social media and stop comparing.

They may have a joint account to save for the wedding or to pay bills, but then personal items are bought from their own money left over. Lots of couples do things this way.

Daughters are naturally closer to their own mother than mother in law.

My mil probably feels similar. Before kids I had more time and energy and would get the presents for special occasions as husband is forgetful and like all men, we do it better than them. Since having kids the relationship has changed with my mil because I leave it to my husband to get her gifts and make the effort but he doesn’t as much as I used to so the relationship has soured a little.
My point is, she’s doing for her mum and he’s doing for you, that’s how it should be. Shouldn’t be down to your DIL. If you’re upset about it, speak to your son.
it annoys me that the females always get the blame for this stuff. Ofcourse the sons can do no wrong and it must be the DIl fault (eye roll)

Have you found a portal to the 1950s?

This isn’t your daughter in laws job to arrange your present. Next year simply ask your son if they want to go out for a meal on Mother’s Day. Or after Mother’s Day. You could always hint that you like flowers too.

I was in your son’s situation.
Guilt trips, jealousy, manipulation and so on. My Mum too was/is ill, I’m an only child so I’d get it all.
We’re no contact now, and I have so much peace in my life.
I love my Mum, but I don’t like her because of the way she made me feel for so long.

Don’t push your son away, apologise and take it from there.

no.
DIL has her own mother. It is clear from reading all OPs posts that her son feels hard done to and put upon because he was stuck being her carer after everyone else had gone.

OP needs to give him space and let him come to her, if he wants. DIL doesn't come into the equation

(dress shopping? it never occured to me to invite any of my future in-laws to any of my pre-wedding stuff. why on earth would i? or anyone?)

You have a son problem. He could take you for a meal buy a bouquet of flowers . It's not up to her.
Maybe she's always done big for her dm.

We don't go ott with either. Usually flowers or perfume. Both dms are hard to buy for.
This year we've got mil perfume my dm wanted m&s voucher . It's what they want / like. They'll also get flowers on the day.

You are not her mum. YABU.

Really sorry you need to get a grip (MIL of 20 years+ here) Expect nothing. Everything that comes is a bonus. People are not all the same, don't react to others the same and don't see things the same. In any case what about the remaining 364 days in the year they are just as ,if not more, important.
What do uou mean not keen on you? It takes lots of effort from both sides consistently.

It’s up to your son to sort you out on Mother’s Day, not your DIL. She has obviously sorted out her own mother.

You sound like an absolute nightmare to be honest. You basically made your poor son your surrogate husband/carer.

Do you ever think it was hard work for him driving you about everywhere and looking after you? You need to start taking care and responsibility for yourself if you are that unwell.

Hes not the one making an effort with his MIL, his wife is. If he is happy to tag along with them that's up to him.

You sound entitled, moaning about not being invited to the dress fitting etc. I don't blame your DIL at all.

YABVU. You’re behaving like a 5year old.

The money things is kind of a non starter. Assuming they both have access to it, she chooses to do X that costs Y, as she always has done. He chooses to do A, that costs B, as he has always done.

Your other kids don’t visit you, and your ds wasn’t allowed to move out because he was your caretaker?

I think there is a lot of dependency on your son that needs to change.

I find this developmental psycholgy fascinating. How Mothering Sunday has changed from the meaning of return to mother church to this crass and commercially promoted day where some mother's are questioning the amount spent on a mother including the OP.
I am also guilty of this. My late DM and I were very close so she was always delighted with a Mothering Sunday card and some daffs or tulips, or something I had made for her. When first married I would fall over myself to try to make my late MIL happy. Went to extraordinary lengths but never did! Always wanted more and definately counted the amount I had spent on her. Awful parsimoneous person. Fortunately she was divorced whn I met her from husband 3. When actual FIL returned to the UK ( before DCs were born) he brought his simply lovely, fun an affectionate wife who truly became my MIL and BF. Both are sadly missed. DH did not contribute to any of this Mothering Sunday/Mother's Day event as he never had historically. I think my DCs have seen how I behaved to both DM and 2nd DMIL. Trying to bring smiles to all and sundry. Each Mothering Sunday they will "surprise" me with something home made or a treat - I affectionately remember a particularly fun picnic in the garden for DM, MIL and I a few years back when the DCs made paper bunting and invented some mother related games for the DGMs and I:) Also breakfast in bed for me (mast mother standing) the past few years - I cannot put a price on their smiles and I do feel like a queen for the day. My favourite gift was from my DD who said she would do the vacuuming for a month and persuaded DS to agree to put out the bins. Please do not think this is a competition OP. As others said, your DS is doing what he has always done, as is his partner for her DM. It is not about money. Have a happy Mothering Sunday. x

Talk to your DS.

It's not unreasonable to want to be treated equally but that is not on your future DIL it's on your DS.

The curse of having a son...

Why is it all “coming out of the same pot regardless”? Do you know how they manage their finances? My husband and I pay into a joint account for joint expenditure but I sort Mother’s Day for my mum from my own pot, as does he. It’s up to him what he does for Mothers Day.

Absolutely. My late MiL was adored by all 4 of her sons, and despite distance at times was very much at the heart of all of our families.

OP this is on your DC not your DIL and not just your DS. I have children and we are busy but I still would always make time to see my parents equally when they were still here I would travel to see my GP’s who lived a couple of hours away. I would be telling them all how you are feeling.

Secondly it has never been my responsibility to organise a gift for my MIL that was my DH’s and it is not your DIL’s responsibility.