Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Sorry op, your dil is not there to make up for your far away other kids and her hubby.

if you have these kind of expectations, I understand that she isn’t keen on you.

Whether it’s fair or not women do end up organising gifts, Mothers Day gifts and so on because most men are useless at it.

I don’t know what should happen. But we always have the exact same experience with our mums because we meet up together. My DH is one of 4 (mix of types of siblings). I am one of 2 (brother lives abroad). Every year I organise and pay for my DM, DF, Daunt, DMIL, DH, DSD, DS and I to do something. 8 of us. All together for Mother’s Day. I am a mum and I organise and pay for it. Always have …. People will think that unconventional. Controversially I think Mother’s Day is a waste of time but a good time for a catch up.

you will have to speak to your child to sort it out. If having a takeaway together is your thing. Maybe you could do that a different day.

DiL isn't the issue your son is.

Clearly DiL makes a lot of effort for her mum. It isn't like he wanted to do the same for you and she didn't come.

If you want more fuss from your son talk to him but don't compare

You ans DiLs mum aren't their kids so expecting to be treated the same is odd

I think the biggest issue is your health and disability meaning a lot has been put on the child who stayed at home longest. I get what you say about you cooking meals for him but honestly having to stay home with his mum when he is an adult and the fact you say he couldn't move out after you got sick sounds quite unfair to him. That isn't your fault but I can understand why he is now enjoying his freedom.

I live 5 hours from my mum and manage to see her around 4-6 times a year so I am amazed your daughter hasn't seen you since 2020. I.5 hours is also not difficult for day trips so the other 4 seem to have been happy to leave your DS to sort out hospital appointments and other things. Can you look into patient transport so you don't always have to ask him?

9pm is too late to ring and if you ring every day that is too much unless he has indicated he is ok and clearly he isn't. I would stick to once a week and give him some breathing space especially after 2 fractious phone calls. Put Mother's Day on the back burner as you have more than that to think about.

I think you need to be careful here. My mil recently said to my dh "I bet you always made a big effort for mil" my mum died last year. My dh made no effort for my mums mother's day, birthday, Christmas. That was my job. I feel like muting mil for a year. I bet she was delighted when her competition died.

He always gets her a card and present. She is being ungrateful as she noticed on social media that his fiancé does more for her mum. We have no idea who pays for her mum to be spoilt as the photo was with siblings. For all we know DILS mum may have even treated all the children to a meal out!
Her son also has several siblings who don't bother, but that's ok it seems.
He is the only child that has stuck around taking on a caring role. I think the poster was happy for him to be single as this meant she had company. Rather than being happy he has met someone she is now finding fault with DIL.

I have suggested the OP speaks to her GP or social services about support. This could be carers as she implies she can't leave the house. Or it could be support groups.

Your son may also assume you are not as much of a present person as her mum if you've always been fine with what's happened in the past. I'm not into big extravagant presents myself, so if my son's partner went all out for her mum it wouldn't bother me at all, in fact I would prefer if they didn't do the same for me.

It's very normal for the bride's mother to go wedding shopping and not the mother in law. It didn't even occur to me that mine would have expected to be invited.

I think you need to concentrate on your actual relationship with all your children and what's gone wrong there because clearly if all of them are always too "busy" to see you there is more at play than being busy bluntly. As for you DS, it sounds to me that he sees your relationship as a stress in itself as you just constantly needed him when your job was to guide him and give him tools for the future.

I run a business, have a teenage child with SEND, as well as two others including a toddler and still manage to make time for my DP's because we actually have a relationship. I don't make a massive fuss of Mothers Day - a sarky card and some flowers suffices because our relationship is all year round. We don't need some contrived bullshit to prove we care about each other.

I'm sorry OP it sounds hard, l would agree surely it's not too much to invite both mothers for a meal out, it would be more considerate but of course DIL will always prioritise her DM and your DS will want an easy life, that's want most men want

I don't see an issue with this, she has probably always made a big fuss of her mum on mother's day, and your son hasn't. Different families, Different ways. My son often forgets a card for me, daughter goes all out, I don't get upset, it's just how it is. Just hide her on fb so you don't have to see her posts if it upsets you.

and a happy Mothering Sunday to you too!

I think that what now do for their parents pn Mother's Day and other special days is well out of control and has been for years.

Nearly evey. event has now become very competetive and been manipulated by the Media and Business into a Spendfest.

Speaking as a Love Goddess but "oldie" back in the day when people were more down to earth, realistic, did not have huge expectations, entitlement issues and maxed out credit cards.

The vast majority of Mothers, rich or poor would be thrilled to receive a card and a bunch of flowers from their children and grandchildren. Wherever they lived.

My mother was chuffed to little mint balls, when we gave her a bunch of lovely fresh daffodils

Get real People

After all it's the thought that counts

And Happy Mothhers Day to all Mothers outthere

Best Wishes
,,,👸
💐👍😻
Xxx

The 'DIL' in this case isn't even married to the son, but she's being expected to do more for her boyfriend's mum than all of said mum's actual kids are.

This! There are excuses for why the OP's actual children can't possibly do anything useful, but she's a complete bitch for not driving out of her way to collect the OP to take her wedding dress shopping and special lunches!

You're not her mum, you're his mum.

If you're hoping he might up his game now he has her positive example, fine.

This sort of sh1t really grinds my gears. Your son is your son. You brought him up. Why do we as women seem to blame the woman in a situation like this? It's clearly down to him.

🙄

You've concluded that she doesn't like you much, and that this has anything to do with it. I'm not surprised she doesn't like you if this is your attitude.

I agree

Your dh left because he could cope to your demands. It fell on your ds and now he's moved on with his life rightly so.You don't see your other dc because your demanding and needy nothing to with alcohol. Plenty of adult children see their parents who have disabilities and have their own families they just don't do living care for them

If she’s minded to not bring the family together you’ll need to speak to your son to cover for her.

WTF, why have you automatically assigned all of this blending of families to her? Naughty little wife not doing her social duties, now a poor man might have to buy his own mum a present.
The 'DIL' in this case isn't even married to the son, but she's being expected to do more for her boyfriend's mum than all of said mum's actual kids are.

In my relationship, Mother’s Day, Birthdays, Christmas presents etc are organised by the individual “child”. I.e husband sorts his mum’s, I sort mine. I couldn’t even tell you what my husband has bought his mum in the past or what he’s planning to buy her this year. I have enough on my plate without taking on his mental load too.
Nothing to do with how I feel about my MIL. She could be the greatest or worst human on earth and it wouldn’t change a thing about how much input I have in her celebrations or gifts.

My DH has a great relationship with his mother. If he didn't I couldn't live with myself as a dil if I didn't step in to help.

I don't have a great relationship with my mum, and I would find it supremely annoying if DH interfered.

Your DS showed his love for you in a way that he has always done; with a simple card and present. His MIL is probably used to a different experience on Mother’s Day. Presumably, his GF arranged it. I think you can both be appreciative of what you received. Unless you’ve seen any evidence that your DS feels differently about you, I shouldn’t be concerned.

This is crazy. "If she’s minded to not bring the family together you’ll need to speak to your son to cover for her." If a woman doesn't arrange mothers day gifts for her fiancé's mom, her fiancé will need to cover for HER!?

It's not her job! And she has 4 or 5 children. As the fiancé of the youngest one, I would NEVER think it was my place to arrange her mother's day. Most people would see that as overstepping and strange to do.

He made more effort than any of his siblings, was essentially guilted to be a live in carer when he’s obviously young and just starting his own life! Do you have any idea what effect that has on a person’s mental health - it’s hard enough for older people with elderly parents! He sounds absolutely worn out from being his mum’s only go-to person, and it’s not like he’s never done anything. I read about selfish men on here all the time, I’ve seen certain posters defend men and their shitty attitudes, this is very clearly not the case here.

I see where you’re coming from but that would depend on if they have separate money. It seems they’re sorting out their own Parents for now and possibly using their own money to fund it. This may likely change when they’ve been married a while.

This has got to be a reverse or someone taking the mick