Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

This is very true - it may be hard for you to see but it can be an unrelenting responsibility being a carer. Now he needs his own life and you would be well advised to make your own life too.
Mothers day is a great excuse for commercial hype - florists etc making money out of it. As far as I know there is no rule saying you have to be treated the same as MiL. Maybe have lunch with friends instead?

You shouldn't expect anyone to do anything. Rather than focus on whether your son/DIL will organise a 'performative' lunch, just to keep things 'equal', maybe reflect on why 'DIL isn't particularly keen on you'?

Totally agree with this.

I agree too, mothers day is about saying thankyou and showing love to your mum (who has been a mum for decades) not self indulging yourself because you now how children!! That's so entitled!! And partners getting involved is just bloody annoying too.

That’s not necessarily the case. My DH and I have a set amount that we set aside for presents for parents, siblings, etc. if either one of us wants to spend more than that amount for one of our family members then it comes out of our ‘pocket money’.

Somehow I don't think there's going to be a happy ending to all this. You seem unable to let your son live his own life and be able to make his own decisions. I understand that you're lonely and have disabilities but you have your sisters nearby who appear willing to help where they can. It sounds awful to read how vindictive you sound towards your son and DIL and her family but it's all too common these days - people sharing their lives online and the jealous crew are there sticking the boot in.

It's really none of your business what your son & DIL choose to do, they're both adults and free to do as they please, they don't need anyone's permission to do anything.

Hey OP, I have always spent more on my mum than my husband has on his (for any event). Just because we got married and our money suddenly combined, the amount we spent didn't change.

I agree. They are often enabled by women.

Can I ask- was the gifts/experience you organised for you mum the same as MIL in the past?

Because generally women make plans and effort with their family.

Can I just say it’s horrible how your feeling but unfortunately it does sound like dil isn’t keen on you. This happens a lot she wants your son to step back from you and she’s probably pushing for this and he’s planning a wedding which you have no involvement in. Please do not compare Mother’s Day as daughters tend to make more effort with there own mum especially if they have a good relationship. It’s hard but the last thing you want is to fall out before the wedding try to keep it civil with your son. Good luck.

I always made sure both mums, and even our grandmothers were treated equally when I was with my now ex husband but that was my choice and from I see isn’t the norm.

Still useless though…

I missed the update where you said at one point your DS couldn't move out because you were ill. WTF! Of course he could, he chose to stay and this is the thanks he gets. It sounds like you're full of self-pity.
I might sound harsh, but I have a life limiting condition. I've been in ICU several times, twice, not expected to survive on life support. I receive PIP (enhanced rate for both care and mobility). Over my dead body would I allow my now adult DC to provide any care. I will remain seriously ill for what's left of my life. I can't even eat (let alone drink alcohol), but still go out regularly and thoroughly enjoy spending time at DS and DIL's home with their new baby. We last went out on Wednesday. My illness makes me want to share their joy, not drag them down with my illness. We rarely speak of it unless there's an emergent situation. Fake it if you need to. No one wants to be around misery.
I have no right to their young lives, even if it means I go into supported living or residential care. I think you need to take a serious look at yourself. You have far more to work on other than what you receive on Mother's Day.

You say it's not her job, but then she's getting the blame for not reminding him? When she said they're going out for mothers day, that should've served as enough of a reminder.

Men really are not stupid. It only benefits them that women perpetuate this idea, because then a woman comes along and does everything he doesn't want to, and he's absolved of blame either way. If it's not done it's not his fault, it's the woman's for not reminding him.

Men go to war, they pack everything they need, they communicate with people, they read notes from enemies and notice subtle slights. How many generals have needed their moms/wives/girlfriends to accompany them because "Men just aren't very good at organising their troops"?

They are very capable, they just can't be arsed.

I am curious about the wedding - will you be invited
are you well enough to go
how do you plan on getting there
how will you cope with all the standing around
how will you get home afterwards

Sorry but this is entirely your sons’ fault!!!
i must say I’m shocked and don’t understand why you think you’d be getting the same as your DILs mum when you also say you don’t expect her to organise it?? I wondered if you were the sort of mum that did all the organising for your son/family and now he doesn’t think about it. I expect so!

I think this sounds hard and I empathise.

You could leave it a few days and then message your son. I’m sorry about the phone calls etc.. I would like to invite you and dil out in April (to do something they like.) Go and try to have a good time.. begin to gradually build better feeling. Over time the relationships can hopefully be improved x

Just going to echo that it’s not your DILs ‘job’ to get you a present but I get that it hurts very much to see them all out for her mum on Mother’s Day while his own mum sits at home. And it’d be easy to wonder why she hadn’t told him to go and see his own mum. Men are generally a bit crap in this department. I think you need to speak honestly with your son - it’s a tricky one as he might think you’re too demanding (I don’t) plus consider if he really made the effort before. My mum died last year and I’d give anything to have another Mother’s Day with her. Sometimes people realise that too late

I had a good job but then I got sick and was medically retired and this meant that DS couldn’t move out.

And therein lies the crux of the issue

You get sick and he got stuck

OP do you have MS or another neurological condition?

Men are capable of it, it's just easier when someone else does it for them.

It sounds like his life was on hold while his siblings lived theirs, it is his turn now. Speak to the others if you are feeling lonely, he deserves a break.

So true.

My hubby gets his mum his gift and plan what he wants to do with her. He does it because he wants to do it.

Please stop with this. Men are not useless at it, they think it’s woman work and therefore beneath them. It’s offensive on so many levels.