Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Op- you have not seen your daughter sunce Covid due to ..... circumstances??? Weird under any

It isn't her responsibility not to be shit. It's your sons. She gets her mum a present and spends the day with her- your son doesn't do the same. He has no involvement with the purchasing of the gift or the spending time, he's going along with her. You need to communicate your expectations to him, and not make it an expectation on her.

You may have spent same time, money and effort for your own mum as you mil but it is only up to your son to do what he wants for you not your dil

I went back and RTFT.. OP there is something wrong here; you haven’t seen one of your children since after Covid.. that’s years!? You have grandchildren, do they not want a relationship with you, if not you need to work on why and how to rebuild.

from your posts I honestly get the feeling there’s a train why all of your children have quite literally distanced themselves from you, there must be something? I’m close with my mum and wouldn’t dream of moving hours away from her if I could help it, and if I did I would certainly be making an effort on weekends to visit and not let it be years before we go again.

im not even that close with my dad and I’ve still seen him more times than you’ve seen your children.. and he lives in a different country.

i feel like there is probably much more underlying to this situation; whether you are aware of it or not.

You seem to be quite lenient re your other children as they have kids/lives of their own. You do know that isn’t an “excuse” for no effort to be made? Nor is your son not having that setup (yet) a reason why he should be the only one to warrant a moan about.

Tough one OP.. but this household>family dynamic sounds similarly to ours in the way that we do naturally spend a lot more time with my family, we go on holidays, have games night, dinner on weekends, trips out ect. I’m extremely close to my family, DH also enjoys the things we do as it’s something he never really did growing up (not saying this is a reason, just that it’s valid to spend time doing things you enjoy)

DH family are quite a bit older than mine, very introverted and don’t have any particular interest in doing much. They pop over for a cup of tea most weekends at some point to catch up and see the kids.

when it comes to gifts, DH decides for his family because he knows them best.. and he often just gets something like a card and some shortbread, never more than one item, never anything of big significance. While I choose for my family and we often do gift ‘more’ to them, vouchers along with a bottle of something they like, or something they’re interested in, we tend to buy a lot of tickets to show and experiences.. but this is just what’s been normal for me all of my life, and DH hasn’t changed his ways since we’ve been together (over a decade)

my point is, it’s not because I like my family more than his; it’s just because that’s the done thing and DH has absolutely no interested making any correlation between what we buy my family and what we buy his 😅

DIL probably does like you just fine provided there’s not been any conflict, you usually don’t just dislike your partner mother for no reason.. so try not to think that or it might come across in your tone/body language to her.

Plus if you want nicer gifts, mention it to DS. Say you’ve got enough photo frame to last you a lifetime, and what you really like is insert wants here

Omg 😱 what an outdated view that your son is paying for his future mil’s gift!
Your dil was spending her own money on her mum long before your son came along!
sounds very petty that you don’t like that your dil spends more on her mum than your son does on you, when I assume you were happy with what you got previously

It's,sounding to me like she's taken your son away and a bit of jealousy. I have 3 sons and after their dad died they have been pretty rubbish with mothers day I just about get a card lol. On other hand when we got married my MIL lived quite a way from us, never occurred to me to involve her in wedding plans. obviously the brides mum is more involved as mother daughter relationship and somettimes the brides family pay towards wedding, maybe your DILs family are? .
My husband was usually pretty good with buying his own mum a card and flowers or present. Since he died I still send her one as she meant alot to me too.

Fully agree. Typical of th uk these days,

At the end of the day a mother is a mother 365/6 days of the year. Being a mum is a unique experience - it doesn't matter how many children you have because they are all different and so is mum's relationship with each child. Once they leave home they start a new life, parents take a back seat and whether or not your child continues to want you in their life depends on how they feel about you. If you put pressure on them they'll feel like they're back at home, sometimes they leave to escape parental pressure - if you can't accept any of this and let them be who they want to be you'll most likely lose them. One they've left home they'll have other priorities just like you did when you left home.

The world has changed, we don't live in a society where children grow up, leave home and look after their parents as a default - that's gone. No point expecting them to do what you did for your parents (or didn't do), they want to live their own lives and not be guilt-tripped.

Yes this is true. I think you need to acknowledge that him being your carer was tough on him. It must be hard for you but you need to work to have other things in place so you don't have to rely on him. His wife shouldn't have to speak to you or be blamed for any of this. I'm not sure why you would call her. The other children will definitely be annoyed that you haven't visited them. Get an uber or taxi and just go on the train.

What do you talk about when you are with your children? Do you remain positive? Or do you talk about how hard it is for you all the time? Think about how the relationship is for those around you. It must b hard being disabled but also draining for others to have to hear about all the time, especially if they are being guilt tripped.

Have you got a family WhatsApp chat? Create one with you and your kids. Open the channels of communication. My partners parents never visit and he is embarrassed and annoyed about this.

Your DIL will be doing for her own Mum like she always has, and it’s down to YOUR SON to make an effort for you. If you want things to be better with your DIL then stop blaming her for your son’s behaviour. I lived this situation as a DIL, and the approach I ended up taking was to encourage him to see his mother regularly, and I would go now and then.

I think the OP's son is clearly trying to pit boundaries in place. It sounds like he fell into the carers role because he was the youngest sibling and still at home. Now he is getting married and possibly planning his own family and is reminding his mum she has other children. I think the OP should reassure her son that she isn't going to expect him to take on the role of her carer again. Otherwise I can see him pulling even further back.

I cared very deeply about my elderly father and how he was feeling. Which was why I drove every other week to see him for over 4 hours. It is perfectly possible albeit quite draining whilst working full time.

One last comment from me tonight. You say “it’s better than nothing “ that you’re seeing him the week of Mother’s Day. It sounds very judgmental and critical.

People should want to see each other, not be forced into it.

This thread appears to be ridden with people who don't give a damn about the elderly & disabled.

This is so true sadly. My late parents lived 2 hours away from me and I regularly went for lunch. Once my mother sadly died I went every other weekend to see my father.

Generally speaking, daughters make more effort with their efforts than sons. This is something we hope we can assume will be something we can rely on, although not guaranteed

Sadly, a lot of sons don't put in much effort with their parents. That's always my assumption

I hope you recognise that your son is still putting in more effort than your other children. Please appreciate him and your relationship. The others could easily stick the kids in the car and drive the 90 mins to you.

Why has your daughter not been to see you?

Please please take on board the advice you’ve been given on this thread and try and put perspective on everything.

Out of interest who phoned whom today?

I understand where you're coming from however you have to stop comparing or you risk your relationship with your son.

It's their pot to spend how they want to.
I understand being hurt by not getting equal but instead of stewing and becoming bitter, just tell him you'd like it very much for you to have a lunch/dinner/arvo tea for mother's day.

Jealousy is not a good feeling to have.
Ditch it

Agree with all of this. The poster only cares about competing with the DIL’s mother, she had no complaints about her son before seeing the Facebook post.

She should definitely seek help from GP and stop guilt tripping her son.