Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

This.

In my experience women tend to be more thoughtful and spend more time with their mothers. I'm not saying all men are like this before anyone jumps on me.

Why don't you message all of your children and suggest you meet up for a meal or takeaway on the day.

My brother is useless, doesn't even acknowledge special days let alone send a card, but gets away with it. I think sons/men/father/brothers are always given a special pass and it's expected the wife or partner should organise it?

Not on your Nelly.

Having a joint account doesn't mean ALL money is joint!

I'm cooking a meal on Mother's Day for my DS and his girlfriend whose visit home from overseas just happens to coincide with Mother's Day. My DD may or may not be home or may or may not go and see her partner's mum, and DS2 is likely not to be home. I anticipate cards, though with the post these days, they may be late. If I get a gift, I'd be delighted, though wouldn't expect one. I'm also inviting my neighbours to join us for a meal, with their DS, who is friends with my DS, as it saves him having to do anything specifically special on the cooking front for his mum. Mother's Day is just what you want to make it. If your DC giving you what you would like, be proactive and make something you would like happen.

I think YABU. It’s up to him if he wants to make a big thing of Mothers Day for HIS mother.
Personally, I think MD is a bit of nonsense once kids are grown up. It’s a lovely opportunity for younger children who are actively looked after by their mum’s but once you’re an adult and living independently it’s a bit meh. It’s a bit like Valentine’s Day when you’re in a grown up and established relationship. Surely it’s better to show love and respect throughout the year rather than one day a year?

You can't do that. It's bad manners to ask someone what they are going to do to celebrate you! It's up to them to offer, not you to ask.

Sadly that's not usually the case, it's rarely equal unless you have a really thoughtful son.

Comparison is the thief of joy! You were probably happy with your son's effort before you saw your DIL's mum's FB posts

So your son is free to spend the same on you.

If he doesn't want to, that's nothing to do with her and everything to do with him, and his relationship with you.

This is a bit of a silly comment. Presumably she either puts her whole wage in the account or pays part of her wage in and keeps some in her own account. Either way she is allowed to spend her wages as she see sees fit and her wages are not owed to your son, they are there to cover bills and whatever spending agreements they have betweens themselves.

Your son isn't a child.

He's free to organise the same for you and spend the same amount of money on you.

Having said that, it's possible her siblings shared the cost.

I don't understand how you've been apparently happy with Mother's Day for years, but now you see your DIL doing more, suddenly you want more. It's not a competition.

If they have children I get the feeling you'll be annoyed if your DIL's mother meets the baby first.

Yes you are making presumptions. My husband and I have a joint account and separate accounts in our own names too. If you wanted to send us a joint monetary gift, I’d give you the details for the joint account. It’s not an either or. And even if they do share all their money, that’s irrelevant here. You and your son have a gift giving relationship you’ve always been happy with on Mother’s Day and your DIL and her mother have a separate gift giving culture between them.

Once again - take this up with your son.

Yes YABU- your son is just continuing to do what he has always done, and his partner is continuing what she has always done.

It’s exactly the same in our house, we go for a meal with my mum for mothers day, flowers/card/chocs/gift, his mum gets a card. That’s all he’s ever done, that’s the set up he has with his mum. I don’t suddenly start arranging things for his mum because I’m married to her son.

How do you know they have combined finances?

How do you know she alone is spending on her mother and not her and her siblings?

I get my mum a card and gift for Mother's Day. We go for lunch sometime around Mother's Day but not on the actual day. DH sends his mum a card.

I imagine your son deals with what he does for you, his mum, and she sorts out what she does for her mum. I wouldn't expect any different. You're not her mum.

I do also think that as the bride often does more wedding planning then it's fairly natural her mum is more involved. Try not to take it personally. If you want to be more involved in the wedding perhaps ask your son if there's something you could do to help. If you'd like him to take you out for lunch suggest it to him.

It's really up to your son, and your children learned from you what's acceptable for you. Why are your other kids off the hook, but not the son? You could say to him that the celebration of her mum looks great, so you'd like lunch on a different weekend with both of them please, and invite your other kids.

Do bear in mind that you don't know about payments; my dad used to pay if we went out and DM liked to make food at home. We treated them occasionally, but their preference was to pay. When they didn't pay, I did, because one sibling never has money and the other was younger so also had little money. A bunch of flowers between 3 kids could be just £3.50 each. Not that money should matter, but it's just worth making sure you don't get over-invested in perceptions that might be completely wrong. If you want lunch for their time, it may be best to offer to pay.

Good luck to her if you’re this pissed off before they’re actually married.
Your son is free to organise anything he wants to. He chose not to. Why are you blaming his partner?

Your DIL doesn’t have to organise anything for you. That would be down to your DC.

DH and I do talk about what we are going to do on Mother’s Day. Both our mums are in different places geographically so what we do for them might differ, MIL stayed with us last year so we could all have a meal together. But that doesn’t happen every year

Invite him round for a takeaway.

So your DIL along with her siblings joined together and got her mum a cake and large flowers, along with a meal out. You say you have other children - are they planning to come and visit and club together with your son for something similar - it's not all on your son. You have other children. Your DIL is doing what she has done previously and your son is doing what he has done previously, you were okay with that before. If you have now changed your mind you need to communicate with your other children along with your son. Yes it stings when things are not fair, but the fairness is continuing what has gone before, your son won't change his usual behaviour and neither will your DIL.

Same with the op, what about your son having a partner and sharing children? It’s nice he does bit for you during the year but do you really think that a wife will be ok with a man who doesn’t bother with special dates when women are taught from an early age to make things ‘special’ for others?

If you expect more effort for Mothers day (from your son, not your future DIL) say so now and give him the opportunity to do something.

@Nconee the fact they have a joint account doesn't mean they don't have their own money to spend as they like each month. DH and I have a joint account, and our own accounts. And if I spent more money in a present for my mum, I wouldn't appreciate MIL saying I was spending her son's money.