Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

nBedBy10 · Today 12:37

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 12:34
Nconee · Today 12:19
I think you are all right though. I will ring him and ask him what is happening on Mothers Day this year.
Oh, FGS! Don’t do that.

Why not?
Nothing wrong with asking your son if they want to do something on mothers day. It's a perfectly natural question in most families. Only on MN are families supposed to ignore each other 🙄

Because if he wants to do something with her, he’ll tell her.

DH sorts his Mum out, I sorted mine out while she was still alive. I spent Mothers Day with my Mum, The DC with their Mum (me) and DH can choose what he does.
I hate that DIL's get the blame for their H's being shit

Being the jealous type is not good for your relationship with your son and daughter in law. If you are being this unreasonable already, I don’t envy them having to manage this side of you when they are married.

Wow! What a materialistic way of looking at it. You seem to resent the fact that they have joint finances.

I wouldn't presume just because they have a joint account that mothers day / Christmas / birthday come out of a joint pot.
I have a joint account with my DH, mothers day doesn't come out of the joint pot. I pay for mine and him for his. Only occasion that does is Christmas - as I usually do the organising and shopping for everyone together.

My son is the only one without children. When he has his own I would never expect to see him on Mother’s Day as he will be with his wife.

Even if that involves her mother..?

Well it looks like her mother raised her to be more thoughtful.

You raised your son to be LESS thoughtful.

That's really the issue isn't it?

Oh don’t start down this path OP….. no good will come from it and you won’t be the one who “wins”.

I speak as someone who’s DH no longer speaks to his mum and the cracks began when she starting behaving ridiculously about Mother’s Day.

Op some couples have joint pots for joint expenses and still have their own accounts for their own spends. It might be that she is treating her mum from her own funds rather than using joint money to do so. Even if she was it's still doesnt mean she's preventing your son from doing the same.

I can see why it stings to see the posts but this isn't on your DIL. It's so common for the woman to be doing organising and she's going to go to those she's comfortable with to help and support her in things. Are the families helping with the wedding financially? That may or may not also have an impact.

I felt terrible giving up buying gifts for MIL, wanting DH to take responsibility, he did not, so MIL gets a phone call.
I did buy Christmas gifts this year, it's about 3 years since I sent gifts, I won't do it next year, unless he decides to organise it. He won't.

Sounds like you are jealous of her mum getting loads of attention, gifts, flowers, posts of Facebook. You aren't the centre of attention, so what? This does not mean that his partner loves her mum more than your son loves you, does it?

It's honestly not worth getting upset about. I know a woman who refused to speak to her son for 6 years because he didn't get her a Mother's Day card one year.

I feel there are other issues where DIL parents are treated differently to you and Mother’s Day is just another example.

Whilst I agree your presents etc are completely up to you son, and girls happen to be more thoughtful etc. it’s not your future DILs job to get your present or your make sure they “match” in terms of price or thoughtfulness.

BUT I will say, him spending the day with her mum on Mother’s Day would upset me.

Before my husband and I had children we spent Mother’s Day with our own mums, they live in different places. I personally wouldn’t be happy with DH for not seeing his mum Mother’s Day unless they had a bad relationship. Now we have kids, Saturday is “our” mums day and Sunday is my day. It works for us.

Also she is my mum, not his. I don’t even put his name in her Mother’s Day card and we have been together 20 years.

My presents are definitely more thoughtful than his, I usually get tickets to a show whereas he will get some smellies or flowers. But I if I saw something I knew his mum would like I would grab it, but 9/10 I leave it him.

Sorry, it sounds like you’re jealous about what your future DIL does for her mother on Morher’s Day, when how your Mother’s Day pans out is down to your own children. If you’re unhappy about Morher’s Day, speak to your own children. But I wouldn’t bring what DIL’s mother gets into it it, you will only push your son away. Your DIL has no responsibility for your Mother’s Day or other gifts. Expecting her to is expecting her to take on ‘wife work’. It’s not the 1950s.

Agreed.

With respect OP I think you have over thought this to the level of petty.

My OH gets his mum a present on Mother’s Day completely independently of me. We don’t discuss it it’s not a joint decision. I look after my own mum.

Facebook/comparison is the thief of joy. Don’t fall into that trap.

If you’d like to spend time with your son on Mothers Day gently suggest it but I’d advice you do not mention your DIL or her mother.

I always spent mother's day with my mum and my dh spent the day with his. I would just say Oi! I want to spend time with you on mother's day! I mean he can say no, but at least you will know where you stand. As a pp said its doubtful that he does anything at all for his mil, his wife does it and he tags along.

Interesting that you don’t begrudge your other children for not spending Mother’s Day with you…distance needn’t be an excuse, we live far from most of our family but are capable of getting in the car/ on a train to spend time with them.

This is resentment for your DIL for whatever reason and how you act now will set the tone for your future relationship.

Slightly off the point of the thread, but personally, I feel Mothers Day is your own children doing something lovely for you, whilst they are in your care. For example, making you a card, making you breakfast or a cup of tea. Once they are adults, living an independent life, a card in the post is really all that is necessary.
You have had your share of Mothers Day treats. Let it go -it’s far too commercialised today.

Why not?

Nothing wrong with asking your son if they want to do something on mothers day. It's a perfectly natural question in most families. Only on MN are families supposed to ignore each other 🙄

How do you know what their finances are?

Your problem is your DS, not your DIL. Stop blaming your DIL.

You have other children? What do they do for Mother's Day? Do they do more than the son you're talking about now? Or is it just your son that now has this increased expectation on him, just because he's marrying a woman who does more for MD?

If it doesn't work out with the mothers day you want then treat yourself instead. Go to lunch with a friend and buy yourself some nice flowers. Better than sitting at home feeling hard done by 👍

Nconee · Today 12:19
I think you are all right though. I will ring him and ask him what is happening on Mothers Day this year.

Oh, FGS! Don’t do that.