Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

On mother's day I go and see my mum DH goes and sees his mum we don't do it together never have in 30 years.

Maybe your son would post an OP saying should all adult children be treated the same. It sounds like you put a lot of expectations on one of your children and none on the others. Having their own children doesn't excuse them from sharing the load with him. It must be incredibly stressful for him to have the burden of all of the responsibility and it must be difficult for his partner too. Perhaps her mum doesn't put so much pressure on her so she wants to plan and do things for Mother's Day. I do feel sad for you OP, but you need to look at things from his perspective and stop making excuses for your other children that allows them to opt out and everything to fall on him. He probably feels resentment and guilt in equal measure. One day the resentment will outweigh the guilt and your relationship will be unsalvagable. He shouldn't be made to feel either of those things btw.

I think it’s interesting and possibly quite telling that your adult children who have children themselves are more distant with you than the one who doesn’t have his own kids.

When you have children, it forces you to reflect and compare your own childhood experiences. For those who didn’t have a great childhood, it can stir up a lot of negative feelings and resentment. That was certainly the case for me.

It wouldn’t surprise me at all if my own DM thought that I’m now distant with her because I’m so busy with family life, running around all the time with my kids etc. But that isn’t the reason at all. It’s because when I see how much I love and care for my own DC, I can’t quite believe how I was treated during my own childhood.

Something to think about OP….

In our family Mother Days is something fun for primary children to make a fuss of. They make a nice card and give you a big hug and that's about it. Other families continue this on with lavish gifts and meals out for adults. Every family is different.

You are your son's mother and not your DIL's.

. I rely on lifts from other people as it isn’t safe to use transport by myself. When my son lived with me he would often take me to the train station.

I think you need to build your own strategies for independence. If he took you to the train station often, you can get then train, yes? So rather than relying on lifts from other people, why not use taxis to get you to the station?

OP something. Has gone wrong in your family relationships. You have a very distant relationship with all but one of your children and now your son is distancing himself from you.

Your post is very self indulgent.

Why do you think you have such a poor relationship with your children? Why do you feel the need to lash out at your son? Why do you feel jealous of your soon to be DIL’s mother? Why do you struggle to connect with these new people on your son’s life.

there is a common factor in all this - and it’s you.

maybe ask for some honest feedback from your sister? When someone has so many difficult relationships it is usually not everyone else’s fault.

You’ve obviously never been on the end of a controlling , guilt tripping , and manipulative elderly person.
I have.
and it’s always the same - they are elderly , lonely and have disabilities- and most of their friends have fell by the way.
Spend any time with these people and it doesn’t take long to figure out why.
and there is absolutely no reason for these people to be so ’obnoxious’.
You reap what you sow…..
And believe me , they were just the same when they were young, fit and healthy.
they could some how get away with it then.
I also have a very dear friend, who is a little older, lives alone , loveliest , kindness person - still quite healthy - tons of friends, devoted son and dil.
always Been the same.
I do have empathy for anyone who is lonely, disabled etc but at the same time frustrated they can’t see how they drive people away and that things could be so different if they showed a bit of empathy/ kindness.

You haven’t seen a number of your children for years. I would be having a deeper think about why this is and if you can look back and see if there’s anything you have done to contribute to this.

It’s tough to think our own actions can be to blame but it’s highly unusual for all of your children to be so uninvolved in your life.

This is brilliant
@Nconee
read this again.
it puts it’s so eloquently.
my mil alienated all her kids.
one eventually went Nc.
one moved literally to the other end of the country to escape carers duty , they felt would all fall to them, as last one at home.
goldenchild (my dh) kept her firmly at arms length ( I encouraged visits )

other adult child - lived the nearest, was completely Led a merry dance, used, abused, and then cut out the will.
( we made sure they got their share).

Don’t Let this be you.
there is still time.
we all loved mil, as I bet your kids love you.
but you will just push them away if you carry on as you are doing.

The type of gift he got me hasn’t changed

This suggests that had he got a girlfriend who just got a card/flowers for her mum, you'd still be happy with that, but as he's got one that does more, you're jealous and want that too?!

Just leaving this here because hopefully I don't need to point out how awful this comment is. But mainly to remind everyone that being able bodied is temporary. We will all need care at some point. Also if it had been a younger couple and the man left his wife when she got ill I don't think anyone would consider it acceptable to refer to it as her fault.

I’ve read all your updates and my take on it is that your DS is starting his own family and you have a deep set jealousy because of his DIL relationship with her mum. That relationship is nothing to do with you and you will only (well have) drive a wedge between you and your son.

yoh also seem to expect him to do so much more than any of your other children. This is unreasonable. You need to address this with your other children. Even busy and with multiple children themselves, it seems that there is more at play because none of them have seen you in a long period of time.

im making a big jump, but I imagine his fiance is keeping back because he has spoken of his relationship with you and your reliance on him rather than with other children. She can see how unbalanced that is and doesn’t was to take on some role in your life over what your other children offer.I imagine she has heard his side of the story (which is probably very different to yours) and, as I can’t, doesn’t understand why you are focusing on him and not you other children.

fron your initial posts he does mark Mother’s Day with apparently more than your other children. You are jealous that she does more for her mum and are to a degree expecting her to do the same for you (because he never has).

you also started the arguments either him, even though there is a lot of advice on her saying not too.

if you struggle walking and public transport can you not hire a mobility scooter? Many towns have them at shop mobility and the like. You’re technically savvy enough to post on here so you will be capable to find out how you can get help on public transport. It seems you are almost putting these various issues in place to prevent you seeing your other children but excuse them for not seeing you.

maybe speak with your gp to see if you can get some talking therapy to help unpick all of this?

Your son's a grown man, I don't sort my husbands presents out for his side of the family so if he gets them nothing that's down to him. He doesn't do it for my side of the family so I stopped doing it and thought why should I take on that extra stress.

You haven't seen this child since COVID (so what, 5 years?) yet you are fussing about a son who gives you a gift and has been their for you.
I really don't understand your logic.

I think there is clearly bigger issues hence none of your children visiting. As others have said, 1.5 hours is a daily commute for some people. Not seeing one child since COVID due to 'circumstance' is also strange, as surely they could visit at some point no matter how busy (at least once in those years!).

You also seem to ignore comments about getting help, from carers and joining social groups, and give mixed messages about the extent to which your son was/wasn't your carer (one minute you sound completely housebound, but then if you 'push' yourself you can get out). I think you hold yourself back mentally and it's no wonder your son is confused. Likewise as you have to 'push' yourself to go out for meals maybe DIL doesn't ask you because she thinks you can't do it. Same with her family, maybe they don't contact you as they see you as incapable of joining in family events.

I get that becoming disabled has had an impact on you but it's not fair to push this onto your children. Have you had counselling?

Unfortunately it’s not her job but your son’s to arrange presents. Girls are very sentimental about things like this and boys tend to be low key. Some boys can make a fuss but majority will think a card a picture is huge. Teacher your son how you want to be treated, if you didn’t set the standards when they were younger then it will be difficult for him to start now. He is only doing what is natural for him.

If siblings & I were taking my mum out for lunch & my partner decided to come along rather than seeing his own mum I'd find that odd tbh.

He might be putting boundaries in place but why does that have to mean not bothering with his mum on mother's day?

Perhaps distance is also a factor as with his siblings?

At this point I'm really struggling to understand what wouldn't be considered emotionally manipulative from the OP to be honest. She's been called vindictive, accused of making her son's life miserable because he supported her as her carer (yes that's hard and shouldn't be dismissed as a cause of resentment), she's been told that she should get her other children spend more time with her instead of her son, but at the same time been berated as needy for trying to spend time with them. She's been told to expect nothing from her kids. Of course you can't force anybody to do something and I agree with all of the comments about not making her dil responsible and she shouldn't be comparing with her MIL, but I am shocked at the utter lack of empathy for someone who is clearly a bit upset and lonely, which I think anybody in OP's position would be.

Totally normal that the bride’s family are more involved in the wedding planning. From reading your posts, I think you’re making issues out of things that aren’t issues at all.

It's not up to your DIL to sort gifts for you.

When my DM was alive I would buy her a nice gift/flowers but DH sorts his own dm out. He's not particularly thoughtful with gifts for his dm but then neither is she so I don't worry about it!

That isn't true in this case. OP hasn't seen her daughter for five years but her youngest son acted as her carer for many years before moving out to live with his fiancee. He seems to be the only child that makes any sort of effort with his mum, yet he is the only one getting grief from her.

not true.
many kind posters have given sensible and practical advice.
what they have also done is said it is NOT ok ti visit an elderly patent , who is guilt tripping and emotionally manipulative.

Not true.

We are married. We have family money and our own "disposable". Things like mother's day presents come out of the disposable. So I choose what to spend on my mum and he chooses what to spend on his.

He always spends more than I do. And that's because my mum would go insane if I spent loads when we have a mortgage and bills and a small child. But his mum expects a certain "level" of present.

Don't compare. Think about the thought he's put in rather than the £ amount spent on either.

Our mother's are very different people. We also live close by one mum and far from the other. But I always sort out something for my mum, and I do what I know she'll like. And DH sorts his mum, doing what he knows she'll like. Occasionally if we're really busy (we both work, we have a small child, life gets hectic) then I will grab both presents (there is some cross over in tastes). But as more often than not one has to be delivered or we have to be specifically visiting that weekend, they get different stuff.

This year we're going out for lunch with one mother. The one who lives far away, because we happened to have booked in that weekend to visit without realising it was mothers day (we plan in advance). That means the other won't be seen face to face this year on mother's day. But usually it's the other way round.

Everyone views it differently, everyone feels differently. I would just feel happy that your son has thought enough to send you something he knows you'll like, and not worry about what your DIL does with her mum, whether your son tags along to it or not.

Comparison is the thief of joy....

OP, what I’m about to write may seem harsh, but I don’t mean it unkindly. It seems like your relationships with all of your children are a bit rocky. Hopefully, you can make some changes that will result in improvements.

First and foremost, you need to contact social services and arrange for any help you may need. Put yourself into a position where you don’t need to ask any of your children for help. The impression I get is that your DS feels he had to put his life on hold in order to be your carer. At this point, it doesn’t matter if you think this is true. If it felt that way to him, it will affect how he relates to you. You also need to find more happiness in your day to day life. Find hobbies you enjoy. Join a support group for people with your kind of health issues. Spend time with your sisters or friends.

I don’t know why your relationships with your other children are so distant. I think you need to seek counseling to help you figure out what went wrong. You need to be willing to be honest with yourself and do a lot of self reflection. You may need to ask them directly why they limit contact with you. Whatever you do, don’t argue with them about it. Listen to what they have to say. Sincerely apologize and work on your attitudes and behaviors that have caused the limited contact. Hopefully, if they see that you have worked on changing, they may be willing to have a closer relationship with you.

Next, apologize to DS for relying so heavily on him in the past and reassure him that you have made arrangements for your current and future needs, so now you can focus on just enjoying each other’s company. Also apologize to both him and his fiancé for how you have reacted about Mother’s Day. Stop looking at her family on social media and never try to make comparisons of your relationships again. Just like your individual relationships with each of your children is different, DS and DIL will have a different relationship with you than they do with her family.

You have come across as entitled concerning your relationship with your DS. You seem to be in competition with DIL and her family. You need to realize that DS made a lot of sacrifices to be your carer. Saying that you made sure he had a clean home and meals doesn’t equal him putting his life on hold (to a point) to be your carer. You need to understand that as a parent, it is our job to provide for our children and helping them to transition into being independent adults. This doesn’t entitle us to them becoming our carers. Acknowledge the sacrifices DS has made for you and let him know that you are doing everything in your power so he can focus on building his future family with DIL.

A big thing you seem to be doing right is understanding that your other children are busy with their own families. I applaud you for understanding that their primary focus needs to be their spouses and children. Please give DS that same understanding as he builds his family with DIL. Ask him to share his new boundaries with you and follow them. Not calling after 9pm unless it’s an emergency is a reasonable boundary. I think it would be lovely to try and set up a day near to holidays to celebrate with your children. Maybe the weekend before or after each holiday.