Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Well that's a ridiculous phrase but also it's not even what has happened here. He didn't previously put in loads of effort but now he's got a wife he's stopped bothering.

I'm afraid this is the crux of it. You will just cause yourself a huge amount of anguish if you start playing comparison games.

It's not her fault that your son hasn't ever done family dinners and big bunches of flowers - that means it's not really part of your family dynamics. And making it all about the money spent is a bit off tbh.

You are on the right track with giving him a call, but I wouldn't ask him what's happening; I'd speak to him honestly and say it's really important to you that you see him somewhere before Mother's Day. That you'd love to still do a dinner together and a bunch of flowers and that's your expectation this year and in the future, and could you maybe make it a standing appointment for the weekend before (at least until they have children). Not in a demanding way but just to communicate truthfully with him.

Then it's up to him whether or not he listens!

How is that phrase relevant? He's not married yet, and he's continued to do what he's always done.

@Nconee i am also a MIL and I’d like to give you some advice if I may.

its the 21st century and your son is getting married, not hiring staff . It’s not your future DILs job to organise anything for your family - cards , gifts, visits, photos, phone calls, what’s app groups .

It’s not her job to make her finance / husband organise anything for his family.

Nor it is her job to make his family into the same kind of family as hers - close, supportive, involved.

I undertand that you are jealous of her close relationship with her family. But if you don’t curb this now, your jealousy will ruin any chance of a good relationship with your DIL and her whole family . Which will affect things will your son and any future children.

So this is your hands now - do not sow the seeds of trouble now and then be surprised that you reap a heap of trouble in the future.

If you want to be close to your son, then YOU need to make that happen. It’s between you and him. Expecting or even demanding that someone else do that is a highway to disaster in your relationship.

Can I suggest you use Women's Day tomorrow to have a think about your own misogyny?
Mother's Day is for celebrating your own mum. DIL and her siblings decided to to get their mum a meal out, flowers and cake. Your son decided to get you a card and a photo frame present.
Your DIL is absolutely nothing to do with how he celebrates you, any more than he would have been responsible for ordering that cake for her mum.
If her parents are involved in organising wedding stuff it is because she has asked them. If you are not it is because your son hasn't asked you. You'll have a much happier future relationship with her if you stop expecting her to be a better child to you than your own child.

A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he finds a wife.

Girls always do more. Relax, stop watching other people. Appreciate the little things, social media is all for show 💙

Yabu. As many others have already said, it is on your son to “do” Mothers Day for you. What your future DIL does for her own mother is none of your business.

But you don't know how they sort their finances surely, maybe they have separate accounts and spend from that for gifts. Either way, what you get for Mothers day is down to your son. It is up to him how much of a fuss he makes of such things, not your DIL. Although if my DH had a good relationship with his mother & I didn't think he was making much of an effort & she may be upset, I would perhaps mention it to him, but the reality is it's up to him what he get's for her.

Each does their own - I don't very much your son organised his partners mums present

I think your being ungrateful towards your sons efforts

Your son bought you a card and present and came to spend time with you. I think a photo frame is more thoughtful than flowers.
I think if you start comparing and being upset by things like this then it’s a slippery slope.

Years ago on Mother’s Day my husband went out and bought expensive ingredients and went to his parents and made them Mother’s Day lunch. His Mum asked exactly what my Mum had gotten and how much it had cost. (My Mum was very hard up at the time and I’d given her £20 towards some new jeans!)
He was absolutely devastated because he felt that all the effort he had gone to wasn’t appreciated. He refuses to do anything thoughtful now and Mother’s Day is purely an exchange to keep her from complaining. Sad.
Moral of the story - Don’t compare, please be grateful x

I completely agree you’re putting far too much expectation into this one day. The amount spent on flowers etc for Mother’s Day doesn’t equate to how loved you are. It’s also totally unfair to expect a lot from just one of your children as they don’t have kids of their own.

I 💯 percent agree

Your son is responsible for sorting out your present and seeing you.
I get my mums gift and we see her.
My husband doesn’t get his mum anything or acknowledge it as she doesn’t believe in Mother’s Day and is an arse anyway!

While I think it's a shame your ds didn't make much effort with you last year, I think you are being a bit too easy on your other dcs. My dm lived far from me and my db but one of us would always invite her down for mother's day. She didn't always say yes but the door was open.

I have never organised anything for my MIL on Mother’s Day, or her birthday or Christmas. Same way my DH has never organised anything for my Mum.

I really hope my MIL isn’t annoyed with me personally if she’s unhappy with the effort my DH puts in.

That does not mean she does not have her own money separate to this. You sent them money

Until then the royal summons is in force.

Last Christmas I let Dh to sort presents for PIL and sil. He was absolutely useless. He went to Sainsbury's to get presents just days before Christmas. Before that I usually planned for Christmas presents but got bored him getting all the praise for them. Not sure what to do next Christmas.

OP, I'm sorry to hear that absolutely none of your adult children make any effort with you on Mother's Day - I wonder why this is? - but begrudging your soon to be DIL celebrating the day with her own Mum? Mean-spirited.

God you sound like a nightmare.

This, the daughter organised something for her mum and family they are a couple so went together, if you want to do something with your son/family then you might need to nudge them.

You are putting too much weight on ONE DAY. What's he like as a son the rest of the year?

My son is the only one without children. When he has his own I would never expect to see him on Mother’s Day as he will be with his wife.
Grandmothers are mothers, you're putting a lot on pressure on your needs and his as the youngest boy, he is a man now, why can't the adults with children make the effort? Can you visit them for the weekend.

Is it not a little unfair that you're pinning all hopes/expectations on one DC because your other DCs have kids/live further away. We all live in the same city but before we had DC my MIL had a similar expectation of DH because we didn't have kids but her other DS did. It always wound us up that he was suddenly expected to pick up the slack for his sibling & do more than he perhaps would have previously.

And certainly not fair & nothing to be gained comparing what your DS does for you vs what his DP does for her DM. Two completely different relationships with two completely different histories/expectations etc etc.

YABU to blame any of this on your DIL.

“They” aren’t organising anything extra for her mum. SHE is doing things with and for her mum and he is just joining. Your son isn’t ringing up a bakery to order a special cake and hand picking flowers for his MIL and then ignoring you, these things are all being done by his future wife for her own mother. It is NOT and never should be the wife’s job to organise her husbands family admin including presents, communication or visits etc.