Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

What on earth is wrong with "just a card in the post"? That's what everyone did for Mother's Day for decades.
Only now there is all this performative nonsense, shops full of junk, cheap chain restaurants hiking up their prices, and people comparing notes on what they "got".
It would be so much better if we just stuck to little children giving Mummy some daffs and a cup of tea in bed. That's it.
Adults really should know better than to buy into all the commercialised hype, which is now as bad as Valentine's Day.

As others have said you are way over thinking this. Of course your DIL sorts out her own Mother's Day and your son does his.

How and what your son does with you is simply down to him.

Why would you have gone dress shopping with your to be DIL when she has her mother to go with her. Did you go suit shopping with your son?

You also mention you are going to ring your DS and ask him about Mother's Day. Isn't it up to your son to contact you about this?

I think it's a shame that he went for lunch with them & didn't twig that actually he could be doing that with you.

These threads always provoke the 'this is how you raised him' response.

I have raised DS with absolute love, modelling kindness, appreciation of others, and the importance of getting off your arse now and then for no personal gain. DP models this too.

Guess what, he's still selfish to the core. Any card or gift given is under duress and tbh now that he's 14 he doesn't massively care about his own birthday or even Christmas. None of his friends do birthday meals, or acknowledge each other's birthdays. My brother is similar, despite being brought up by a radical feminist who actively tried to raise us all without expectations based on sexual stereotypes.

I'm hoping DS matures and becomes the wonderful man I know he can be, but if he doesn't you can fk off blaming his mum. I'm killing myself here.

This sounds hard DP, I was very mindful with my ExH that we got our mums similar presents on mother's day. I also made a huge effort to include her in wedding planning etc which I think she appreciated. I think you need ro explain to your son that your feeling a little left out as he may not have though about this.

I still see my mum on Mothers day and I take my DD to see her too. Sometimes we will go round to my brothers and my SIL's mum will come round too.

With my current partner the amount we spend on our mum's is different but they are different people. My mum hates people spending money on her so I will tend to get a smaller bunch of flowers and some really thoughtful gifts whereas my DP's doesn't mind been spoilt with a huge bunch of flowers - both are fine and I would treat them the same as they like what they like

Did you go outfit shopping with your son? Would you expect her mother to be upset about this ?

Yes, it's another example of the expectation on women to manage/maintain/build family relationships. No one would be bothered if a future son in law didn't involve his future mother or father in law in wedding plans.

Well he did do something, he went to lunch with her for Mother's Day.

Well he prefers not to be made a fuss of himself, as do I.

I presume he'll find a partner who has the same attitude like I did with his dad.

I can't abide how demanding people get on their birthdays etc.

Can you go and visit your other children?

Every point here is followed up with why it's all your DIL's fault.

He says he's too busy for a visit, DILs fault.
If he wants to come for a roast, even if she doesn't want to, he can go.
She didn't invite you wedding dress shopping. OK? That's her choice, lots of people can be overwhelming. I bet her parents aren't upset they didn't get to go suit shopping with him.

She probably senses you dislike/resent her, and that's why she doesn't come with him most of the time. I don't always accompany my husband to see his parents, in case they prefer spending time with just him.

You need to stop blaming her for everything, your son's a grown man who makes his own choices.

Unfollow her/her mother for goodness sake, she won’t know that you have done this and you won’t be getting your nose rubbed in things constantly. Comparison really is the thief of joy!!

I visit my other children as often as I can but they have their own children hence why I expect nothing from them on Mothers Day. They do send cards though. I have never visited DS as when I’ve asked they have always been busy. Which is another reason why I feel DIL doesn’t particularly like me. I try to invite them over for a roast often but that gets turned down too and I have a feeling this is her as DS loves my roasts. I also wasn’t asked to go dress shopping with her and I saw this on her mums facebook too

This is exactly what I mean about your jealousy! You are upset that she went dress shopping with her mum! How does that hurt you?

Did you go outfit shopping with your son? Would you expect her mother to be upset about this ?

They turn down your invitation for a meal and yet it’s your DIL fault and not your sons. This is all in your head , you have no idea why. If your son wanted to come alone, I’m sure he can do so . So it’s HIS choice .

This toxic thought pattern ( anything my son does that I don’t like is HER fault , everything that SHE does with her own family is done to spite me ) is going to destroy any chance of a relationship with hour DIL and her family and probably your son.

If you can’t get over this yourself , you should think about going for counselling to think this through more rationally and hopefully take positive steps to fix things.

DH doesn't really bother much with cards and gifts for his family. I used to try and do things to be "fair" but over time I have given up and left him to organise things for his family and I will do things for mine. This does mean my family end up getting more than his family do because I put more effort in but that's not my fault. The only exception I make is my nieces and nephews on his side of the family. I make sure they get presents / money.

Her not inviting you dress shopping (which is fine anyway) is completely unrelated to the amount of effort your son puts in (and has always put in) to Mother's Day.

No I wouldn't expect that at all. There is no reason why a couple should coordinate and treat their mothers in the same way. This between you and your son. What he does for you has nothing to do with what your DIL does for her mother. You were content with it before, so should be content now.

I don't think my DH did anything for his mother at all for mother's day (she's in a different country and they celebrate on a different day, but still) whereas I always made some gesture for mine. Wouldn't never have occurred to me that was a problem.

The only way in which I think fairness/equality might come into it would be if doing something for one mother meant they couldn't do it for the other eg if they always took one mother out for lunch as a whole family, and never the other.

My partner really doesn't like my parents, and its because of how they treat me differently to my sibling who has children. He feels really defensive over me and knows how much pain it causes me to see. I'd be really mindful that you dont burden one child with expectation because "they don't have their own children" .

Why on earth do you think you would have been invited dress shopping? That's a mother daughter thing, not a MIL thing.

(The reason why I suggest not being rigid about it having to be the day itself is because it may come across confrontational/hostile to your DIL-to-be. But if it really matters to you that it's on the day itself, then I think it's fair to say so. Otherwise perhaps the Saturday rather than the Sunday is a good compromise. And perhaps you could make him a roast that day as you know he loves your roasts)

I see the classic mention of “DIL doesn’t like me” suggesting that the blame is on her. It’s not. It’s your son. It’s not up to your DIL to make a fuss of you in Mother’s Day, her responsibility is her own mum. And if your son can’t be bothered making the same effort for you, that’s between you and him, not her.

Also maybe they spent time/went out for a meal last year with your DILs mum, cause her mum was the one who organised it? You don’t sound like you’ve made any effort to organise anything with them, so I think yes, YABU.

I also wasn’t asked to go dress shopping with her and I saw this on her mums facebook too.

So? I know some people ask their future MIL to go to this, but I don't think it's so expected that it's a snub if it doesn't happen.

I organise my Mother’s Day gifts for my mum and dh organises his. I’ve no idea what he gets her. She isn’t my mum so I don’t sort it for him. If she’s disappointed with her gifts then I guess she should have raised a better son

If her parents are involved in organising wedding stuff it is because she has asked them. If you are not it is because your son hasn't asked you.

Exactly!