Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Exactly this! In what planet is the DIL responsible for her husbands mother. Total madness.

Yes YABU. You are the mother of the child you raised. It’s his responsibility to sort your gift.

In my house, we’re responsible for our respective parents. If you prefer the treatment DIL gives to her DM then you need to tell DS to up his game. But frankly I can’t see how this is DIL or her DM’s fault or problem. This is firmly between you and DS.
It sounds like your son is showing up as he always has, so you’re gonna have to communicate with him if you’re moving the bar.

YABU. DIL did this with her siblings, your son joined in. I wager she did this before your son was on the scene.

Your son is responsible for what he, your son, arranges for you on Mothers Day.

Exactly. This is SO frustrating. I didn’t have my MIL come shopping for my wedding dress because I absolutely do not know her as well as my own mother because - shock - MIL is NOT my mum! Everyone is different and for me it felt very personal and very stressful and I needed an appropriate support group around me. MIL does not feature there.

OP, you are letting your precious son get away with murder while you’re busy framing your DIL. I love my in laws, but they are my DH’s responsibility, and likewise my mum is my responsibility. If you haven’t brought up your son with the expectation of him making more effort to celebrate you, that’s on you, NOT your DIL. Now he is older and has her example set for him, your son not making as much effort as her is not her responsibility, it is his. If you want more from him, tell him it would mean a lot to you to be taken to dinner for Mother’s Day rather than have a present. No big deal, just effective (and nonjudgmental) communication.

It’s difficult to say why you are not close to your DIL , it might be so simple as they are very close family and she doesn’t see the need to have another close relationship with you, she sees this as your son problem. I actually think that she’s wrong, of course it’s on him but it’s not so simple e.g she is tagging him with her but not joining him to go to you. And it’s just one example I’m sure there are others.
However you shouldn’t put it so plainly that they need to spend the same amount of money on you, as it might be that her family more involved financially or it’s her own money. The joint account thing is neither here nor there. They might have 2 joint accounts and 2 separate ones. So I would be careful around this. I would try to be more involved into the wedding, practically, and try to invite both of them around/ out or at least mention that you expect them to come together at least some time.
By the way do you usually give your DIL present on her birthday?

I treat my Mum and Mum in law completely differently. One has brought me up, the other I met at the age of 29 and have nowhere near the same bond with. What I choose to spend on my Mum has no relevance to what my DH spends on his. I was spending £100 on my Mum for years before I met my DH who has always got his mum a card and a tenners worth of flowers. Now - I’m not downgrading my Mother’s present, so if he wants to upgrade his Mum’s present to match what I spend on his Mum then that’s on him.

It's the same for many mothers of sons.
My DM can never understand why DB and SIL spend so much time with her DM and DF on special occasions and never with her.
I tell her that DSIL facilitates her family gatherings and DB should facilitate his, but it makes no difference she still thinks DSIL is shutting her out and bieng unfair.

Maybe the huge flowers and cake were a joint gift from her and her siblings?
Your ds is doing what he has always done and I expect his partner is doing what she has always done — you’re not being slighted in any way.
I have no idea what my DDs contribute to or arrange for their MILs or if their husbands sort stuff , I’ve no interest.

Oh and I’ve already given my mum her Mother’s Day gift as I won’t be seeing her.

No idea what dh is doing for his mum but we won’t be home or even in the city for him to see her either. His issue not mine.

@Nconee its shit but it’s up to your son to say to wife to be . I’m going to plan for us all to go for a meal with my mum too .
Id stay of social media this year and mayeb day to your son how you felt /feel

Neither me or my husband have changed our gifting style since we got together. Both get a card and some kind of present but since I've had kids we tend to do stuff as an immediate family like go out for the day somewhere. If plans align we will also visit one of our mum's (usually MIL just because of distance)

This year we probably won't because we can give her her present a couple of weeks later when she's visiting. She will get a card and a text on the day just like my mum will.

I usually do end up prompting my husband to make sure he organises something and I will always send her a message myself but it's my personal choice because she does a lot for us and I want her to feel appreciated. She doesn't expect me to organise anything at all just like my mum doesn't expect any communication from my husband (she's probably surprised everytime I remember to post a card tbh)

It should always be the responsibility of the adult child to organise their own mum's mother's day, not their partner.

Seems to be a lot of finger pointing at dil.

He likes roast so must be her stopping him. Maybe they have their own roast.

She didn’t invite you dress shopping. Never heard of the mil going.

He didn’t take you out like she took her mum out her somehow this is a her thing again.

You don’t think she likes you as she’s close to her family. Or she’s just close to her family and takes her partner’s lead on when to see you.

If he wanted to take you out or order in a take away HE would. He only did it before it seems because he lived with you and now he doesn’t because his having dinner at home with his future wife, or she’s invited him to tag along with her mum or maybe he asked to join her mum.

Joint account doesn’t mean they don’t also keep their own separate fun/present funds.

The infamous MN saying. You don't have a DiL problem. You have a son problem.

Totally up to him if he wants to make a big fuss of you on Mother's Day. If he doesn't, it's 100% on him.

I'm sure it's been said, OP, but your relationship with your son is going to be different to anyone else's relationship with their own mother. In my experience, women do more for their own mothers than sons do for theirs. I'm sure that's not the case for all but it is my experience.

Best thing you can do is stop comparing, mute facebook and accept that your son doesn't do much (but you were happy with that). Or, talk to your son.

Do not though make your daughter-in-law to be responsible for your mother's day things. That's for your son to do, you are his mother, not hers.

OP you won't get far blaming your Dil. Nor by making your son feel guilty and uncomfortable. Remember that they will only see you if they want to so it's on you to make sure that they want to see you, that they feel happy when you're around, that they feel grateful, because of your kind and caring personality. You will get nowhere relying on some sense of duty or obligation. And even if you could rely on this, why would you want to?

It's ludicrous to expect Dil to have anything to do with mothers day.

As for your son, you need to play the long game, don't complain that he never comes round etc, be kind and supportive of his relationship and things will likely improve in the future.

I buy my mum flowers and a card for mother's day. My partner buys his mum a present usually a plant.
Over the years I've done various things for my mum but learnt that the thing that "counts" as a mothers day gift in her eyes is a bunch of flowers. She gets a nice bunch from the supermarket whilst I'm doing a shop I don't put much thought into it, I'm just do it for an easy life. The times I've put effort in and done something nice it's been thrown back at me because mothers day means flowers. Often if you compare mine and my partners gifts mine looks more better in a photo but his has more meaning and thought behind it.
Don't overread a photo!

Organise something you’d like with your son. Whether it’s lunch, shopping for something, enjoying an exhibition or another event. You need to plan these moments now that you are no longer living in the same home. It only takes a bit of initiative.

I think perhaps you are as you sent the money to them both. I expect they also have their own accounts as well .

I agree with you. In my first comment I said that making it about the money is off. It would never occur to me to stipulate that anyone should match anyone else's gift giving exactly!

I was simply commenting that even when couples do have joint money it's not like both parties split everything right down the middle for literally everything.

Sorry but I have three sons and YABU

It is also really unfair of you to put the blame and ownership on your DIL for your son’s perceived lack of thoughtfulness. If you were happy with the gifts you received from your son before he got with his wife to be then nothing has changed, except you are blaming her. It’s total and utter sexism.

Where on earth do they live that it's impossible to get to them?

I do feel for you, but it sounds like you feel a bit abandoned by all your children, and rather than acknowledging this, you have shifted the blame to your daughter-in-law.

Thank you, I need this!

I'm afraid we're very traditional then (though in many ways we're not!). I work p/t and my husband works f/t so I'm happy to organise gifts. Plus I enjoy doing it (my DH shows care in other ways but he is not a party/gift organiser).

I've been with DH for 30 years and I've virtually from the beginning organised a Mother's Day and gifts for MIL in conjunction with my sis-in-law. We're close.
Since my Mum moved closer, she's invited too (and we take turns in hosting, one year it's me, the other it's my sis-in-law - and she invites my mum too!).

I give my mum and MIL the same gifts.

I feel lucky we're all so close.