Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

He is actually very good at birthday and Christmas and their name is signed at the bottom of the card so I have seen nothing to say they don’t spend the same on both me and her mum for those.

Why are you even aware that there's no obvious financial unevenness here? I'd be very uncomfortable as either your child or child in law if I sensed you were gauging amounts spent on Christmas presents for each mother.
DH and I don't match budgets for this. I buy my mum something she'll like, he buys his mum something she'll like. We don't then discuss the cost to make sure it's even.

You sound very jealous OP.

If you want to go out for lunch and have it put on FB, tell your son now so he has time to sort it out.

If going out is not normal for you then he won’t think about doing it.

This is not a DIL problem, leave her out of it.

I was just about to ask that, but I thought its not the most important thing, but I'm nosey lol If you know she isn't keen on you then you know what you probably did to make her feel that way. If you didn't you'd say 'I don't know why she doesnt like me much, I've been nothing but nice to her.. ' etc.

@Nconee passenger assistance is your friend for train journeys.
My 89 year old dm uses it to visit my db. She struggles with mobility.

I feel so fortunate my DIL,although she would never put me before her own mum, she takes the term 'Mother-in-law' &
'Father-in- law' seriously. She makes sure we get the same treatment including how often we see our shared Grand children. My son is the same towards me. I've never felt like second best & nor should any parents on either side of the married couple.

@Nconee have you posted before about the wedding dress shopping?

It depends on their relationship and whether they organise these things together or separately.
I’d organise a similar meal/flowers/gift for my Mum.
If my DP had absolutely zero input, encouragement or reminders from me, his Mum would be forgotten 😂
We’re NC with DP’s Mum now but last year we treated his Nan to flowers, a card and gift and she sobbed… she’d never received anything from “him” like that before. I said he must be getting sentimental 🙄😅

My Mum threw a big strop last year because she saw on Facebook that my brother and his wife had taken out her Mum for a lovely lunch on Mother’s Day and bought her a voucher for a spa day. My brother had bought our Mum a card and a bunch of flowers (same as every year). And she was throwing her toys out the pram about being treated “unfairly”.

• What she didn’t consider is that she was quite a shit and emotionally distant parent when we were kids, whereas her DIL is very close to her loving Mum.
• She herself sends us a card and £20 cash every year for Christmas/birthdays (no effort or thought). But moans when we don’t lavish thoughtful gifts on her.
• DIL and Mum live in the same village, see each other regularly. Whereas my Mum lives a 4 hour drive away but only bothers to visit her son once per year, only phones him on his birthday and Christmas Day.
• Her Mum provides 2 days a week free childcare for their baby.

Of course they are likely to treat their Mothers very differently.

Im not saying the same thing must apply to you and your son. Just giving my own experience for context.

Unfollow them all on Facebook for a start.

If you didn't know this was happening, you wouldn't be upset by it.

Comparison is the thief of joy

What your DS does for you for Mother's Day is nothing to do with your DIL to be.

Just because DIL and her siblings go big does not mean she should step in and do the same for you, that's 100% down to your DS.

So just talk to him then but don't drag in money and fairness and DIL. Say you'd like to spend some quality time together around mother's day and could he please book somewhere or choose a suitable time to come over.

And I don't think the "being fair" at Christmas thing is actually a good thing. Family is everything and ot seems bonkers to be happy to miss out on 50% of your children's Christmases in the name of fairness.

Are you paying for the wedding?

I didn't see the reference to wedding dress shopping @friendlycat
Agree
I got married 18 months ago and it wouldn't have crossed my mind to ask future MIL along and we have a very close relationship
That's a mum / daughter or best friends time for most.

It’s your son’s job to organise you a Mother’s Day present, not your DIL! 🤦‍♀️ And don’t be judging them for how they spend their money. That’s a sure way to give yourself less time with him/them.

I think you really need to reframe your thoughts on all of this. You were perfectly happy with the type of gift your son has historically given you and having a takeaway or going out to eat.

Just because your DIL has always had different traditions with her own mother why should everything be the same now? You have your family traditions and she has hers.

Be careful in doing all these comparisons. You even mention that you weren't asked to go dress shopping. Firstly this is something that most brides do with either their mother, sister or best friend not their MIL. Then you also mention that you have disabilities so actually perhaps it would not necessarily have been practical for you to do so? Are you just looking for things to feel unhappy about here?

You can’t really make demands on someone else’s money. You must take me out for food isn’t reasonable.

Asking to spend time together sure but demanding dinner not so much.

I don't get involved in cards and gifts for my MIL either. I will remind DH but whether he does or not is up to him.

My MIL also felt that she was excluded from wedding planning and my family took over. She expressed this after the event. At no point did she ask if there was anything she could help with or ask how things were going though. My family were involved because they proactively supported us and tried to help, I didn't ask them.

I'm not suggesting your situation is the same, but on the off chance... Maybe before the event is the time to offer your support and ask if there's anything you can do to help.

Sounds as if you @Nconee are buying into the societal stereotype that women do the caring stuff and men are too busy and important to be expected to think about that, so the bar for gifts from your son is very low- but now he’s getting married, you’re eyeing the bar set by his partner for her own mother and wondering why she isn’t arranging the same for you. Can you see how sexist and unfair that is?

Are you even sure DIL had anything to do with the organising of last years Mother’s Day? Could have been all done by her siblings and they just turned up. Don’t turn this into a competition before they are even married.
And why is it just the one of your children who is in trouble for not putting sufficient effort into Mother’s Day? Or is he your favourite? 😁

Tell your son that whilst she can do whatever she likes with her mom, you’re his mom & that you’d like to continue with the takeaway or meal out.

Try not to overthink OP
I so hope when my DS meets his future wife we get on.
I sort of know we will I don't know why but that's just me being weird !!
Anyway ... perhaps spend some time getting to know your future DIL better?
Be the better person
They may well have children together and this will get bigger possibly
See the seeds of a healthy relationship now so you can be part of the next chapter without worrying about what they're doing with the other mum
Focus on what they might like to do with you x

you need to be careful OP, you can’t directly compare your gifts and MiL gifts. You don’t know enough about it- very possible her and her siblings all chip in for a joint present for their mum. Even if not, if that’s what she’s always done, why should she change it? The same as your son hasn’t changed what he does for you.
Also not really sure why you would be put out that you weren’t invited to the dress fitting, of course her mum is going to go, it’s her mum! I don’t know anyone who invited MiL to dress fitting (unless v close). It’s for the bride’s side. You should be more put out your son didn’t want you involved with his outfit picking, ie the groom’s side.
i think in short, this is very much your son and very much not your DiL so in order to preserve any relationship with them going forward you need to tread very carefully with the negative attitude you have about DiL

The planet where mums are mad at their son’s behaviour but couldn’t possibly blame him as they raised him so must be the evil man stealing dil.

Sounds like your son was lazy about mothers day then and is lazy about it now. Out of sight out of mind. I het he's also shit at your birthday and Christmas gifts.

And if "they" are spending joint money on her mum, it's is still your son choosing not to use the joint money on you. Its not like there is only a tenner in the account and they are spending it all on DILs mum.

Can you accept that your son is at fault here?