Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Reading through all this I think you sounding hard work sorry OP
Do some reflection and perhaps a bit of adulting here?

Sorry but this sounds so mercenary.
Maybe they each buy gifts out of their personal spends each month and she chooses to spend more on her month while your son spends his personal spends more himself.
Your issue here is your son, not your daughter in law.

If my DH even considered treating his mother like this I would definitely have something to say about it. In my books they are both to blame, end off.

Mother's Day is just one day. How are you treated by all your DC the rest of the year?

He’s right though OP. You don’t expect any of your other children to do it. Only him, it’s not fair.

i would organise to visit one of your other children on one of the weekends and get their support to get you there. I can imagine that if you can’t get about without help, while he was living there a lot of that would’ve fallen on him, so maybe he is feeling a bit burnt out.

give him some room and spend some time on your other children.
generally the grooms mum wouldn’t be invited dress shopping.

He might have a point.
You don't seem to be expecting anything of your other children.

What she does with her mother is irrelevant.

I think he has a point... if you have other kids it isn't fair that all the expectation lands on him, even if they have their own kids. It does feel like you were picking a fight.

Re the wedding, I think it is very normal that you didn't go to choosw thewedding dress, I've never known a MIL go. It's usually a mum and daughter thing, maybe with a friend or two there for feedback. The groom doesn't see the dress before the wedding, and by extension nor do his family.

This is absolutely not the hill to die on.

Please don't do this. You know this is all coming from your DIL. Don't give her more work.

It does sound a little like you have imbalanced expectations. Your other children having children shouldn't make a difference.
Maybe your expectations are falsely based on what your DIL does for her mum. It seems to be a strange expectation for me that adult children make a fuss of mother's day. A card is enough IMO...

Why do you expect more from your son? My dh gets flowers sent to his mum for relevant occasions and buys flowers for my mum as well when we visit them or they come here (he's a rare gem in that regard I know). I biy gifts for my parents and when visiting his mum buy flowers / a plant.

But for instance Christmas is a much bigger deal to my family and we've always done bigger gifts so that continues. I once tried to buy something bigger for his mum but since nobody in their family does it was weird.
Same for your son - it would be weird if he went all out but his siblings didn't.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

You said precious precious boys sarcastically plus you’re slagging off my kids (who have done well in the past getting me sweets I like and a magazine to be fair so all good on this side!) so you just don’t seem like the biggest fan of males but I don’t know you so ok

what I’m saying (maybe poorly but I’m just on my lunch break and haven’t eaten yet!) is men don’t think like women so how are they going to know to get you random stuff you like on random days unless you hint which I don’t think is the point! As for my laughing emoji annoying you I don’t get how it’s bothering you that much but good luck anyway and hope you have an ok weekend (have to go eat!)

He is right though. You have said that you don't expect your other children to visit you but you are telling your son that you are sad that he won't be coming to see you on Mother's Day. Why are you holding your son to different standards?

Your son is responsible for your mother's day. Mothers day is a load of commercial shit. Why are you worked up.

This isn't the first time you've posted about your 'DIL' is it?

I'm sorry to read your update, OP, but I think you're making a mistake. You shouldn't feel your son is obliged to make more effort to you because he lives closer to you than his siblings, or because his partner has a different relationship with her own mother. It's too demanding. You can't expect to guilt him into doing what you want because you 'did everything for him'. That was your choice, and he's entitled to make his own in life. You're in danger of pushing him away IMO.

You say DIL isn't keen on you. Can you reflect on the reasons for this? They might well be the same reasons that your son is distant. My first guess, based on your posts, is that you're a bit needy and emotionally overbearing, and also quick to lay the blame for your son's choices at her door. In this case, it's easy to see why they gravitate more to spending time and money with her mother.

The other obvious answer is that your DIL expects her adult partner to decide what he wishes to do for his mother and she puts arrangements in place for her own, and her DIL is better brought up more thoughtful and therefore does more.

I'm sorry that you have had an argument but it does sound as though things have been simmering for a while with your posts.

He obviously does feel that you place all the responsibility on him when you also have other children.

I would take a step back and cool down and then build bridges for the future.

Was that money for a joint gift though? I don't know anyone who doesn't have their own bank account. If they're both working then they both have their own money and can choose to spend it as they wish. I would talk to your son about how it makes you feel unappreciated if you have a decent relationship with him but honestly it should have been talked about years ago and aside from any relationship he has.

Can't you get a train? It seems very sad that you don't visit. Do they live in very inaccessible places?
I have disabled friends, and they travel by train by asking for support when they book. The train company makes sure someone is there to help them get on and off the train. If your children are able to meet you at the train station you should be able to travel to see them.

Oh my gosh OP. I’m not surprised it turned into an argument?! I was going to say - please don’t say this “I was thinking about asking DS to be mindful of treating us both the same this Mother’s Day.” but maybe it’s too late.

You sound like you are really over-thinking this but it’s not that deep.

You’ve never asked to be taken for a meal, bought flowers etc but now all of a sudden you want to demand this because that is what your DIL usually does for her mum? Do you realise how mad that sounds? Your family has their traditions and her family has hers. You should apologise to your son.

But this is still on your DS - unless your DIL was preventing him from spending the same on you.

Your son gets for you as he's always done , your Dil gets for her mum as she's always done.

You sound a little jealous

I get something for my mother, my husband gets something for his. It wouldn´t cross my mind to do something for my mother in law, she isn´t my mother. And mothers of daughters usually get a better deal because usually women make the effort to do something nice and thoughtful.

I can understand that it's upsetting but it's up to your son to organise something for you and for his girlfriend to organise something for her mum.

It sounds like your DIL and her siblings arranged a meal and flowers for their mum. It’s not her responsibility to arrange something for you also.

You said yourself that your son has always bought you a card and small gift. That’s what he has continued to do. You also have other children, what do they get you? Do they even visit on Mothers Day?

It sounds to me like a bit of jealously because your children can’t be bothered to arrange something for you. That’s not your DIL fault.