Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

OP you have invented subjective standards but you treat them like they are universally recognised rules.

There is no golden rule anywhere that adult children who have children are exempt from having to make an effort on Mothers Day.

As several posters have said the DIL sorted her mother out, your son did what he always did present wise it’s not up to DIL to step in and over ride his decision on how he choses to celebrate Mothers Day.

It doesn’t sound like you and your DIL are close. I’m pretty close to my MIL Id never invited her wedding dress shopping. If nothing else because I wanted go discuss the fit, my weight etc, that’s something for my own mother.

I dont think you should have rung your son but you did so leave it die down now.
Coming at him and your DIL with all these subjective standards and expectations will really really damage your relationship.

It’s ok to feel hurt and lonely, but manage those emotions without damaging your relationship.

I find that sad of you aren’t close to your mother in law. I don’t see my MIL as simply my ‘partner’s mother’. She’s my MiL as in she is a relation to me separate from her relationship to my husband. Therefore on Mother’s Day I don’t know why I wouldn’t send her something. It is in the title ‘mother’ in law. My husband just isn’t good at things like that as honestly they didn’t do it growing up. I did do it so wouldn’t occur to me to treat my mum and my MiL differently.

OP I really feel for you as it's clear you're missing your son and maybe a bit lonely, and Mothers' Day is just bringing it all to a head.

It's a shame that they are not accepting your invitations or your offers to visit them - how far away are your other children? Could you invite them to come to you for a weekend here and there? Or offer to visit them and figure a way to sort the transportation.

I think maybe the way you've phrased your posts has caused some negative reponses but actually I can see that you're really just missing your son, especially since he previously lived with you and now it sounds like you don't get to see any of your children often.

Do you really need a group discussion as to what you will buy for your mother on mother's day? I don't and most all of the women that I know, don't. They just get on with it.

Does that mean that I won't pick up an extra thing in the supermarket for my husband to give to his mother? Of course not, I will, but I don't expect to be made responsible for that nor to have a NATO-esque discussion as to what we're doing.

Mother's day is specific to the child, it really is. Men are just as capable as women are for choosing something suitable - or if not, asking their own mothers what they'd like.

Ahh OP. Offer your help if they need it for the wedding next time you see them both, in a jolly way.

Don’t start acting like your nose is out of joint because you aren’t getting the same treatment as her mum. That’s a road to being excluded further down the line.

also remember if they have kids Mother’s Day will then be more about your soon to be daughter in law.

MorrisZapp We chose gifts for both mums together, usually at the local garden centre.

What's your DIL got to do with arranging a gift for you? If you've always been happy with what your son does why is it different now he's married?

You are probably getting the gist from PP. Please don't hold this against your DIL or that makes you the problem

It wouldn't work for me but it does for that poster. Who am I to argue?

Who’s meant to tell him it wasn’t good enough? Likely another women 😅

I never said boys should put their feet up at all or even referred to the OP family discussions. I was referring to the them and us thinking about families and parents and suggested joint thinking and actions and treating all family equally

This all sounds very silly and transactional. A bit like I might expect a child to behave! (MIL gets this and that so I should have a gift of equal value!). Honestly you sound petty and childish. I would never expect a gift for Mother’s Day!

But (to add on to both posts), the expectation is more subtle and inbuilt. The original poster is just verbalising expectations, the ones highlighted in the post you’re replying to. That posters husband isn’t crap at getting gifts, it’s just fallen into stereotype that as a man if he does a crap job once the women around him will go ‘durr, men what are they like? Their man brains aren’t built for thinking beyond themselves, I’ll do it for him so his mum doesn’t feel bad’. They don’t turn around and say ‘that wasn’t good enough, go back and get your mum a proper gift’. And so the cycle continues…

She is taking the lead when it comes to her own mum and driving the gift and celebration for her, as she should. Your son should be taking the lead when it comes to you. If he isn't doing that, or is doing it to a poorer standard than his partner does for her mum, that's on him. I get its hurtful for you to see the difference, but its really not up to your DiL to make sure your son treats you well, nor should she have to reduce what she does for her mum to match his lack of effort.

All the women who say both should be treated the same.

Does your dh pick up little bits for your mum if his out and think she might like that? Does he remind you it’s her birthday soon? Does he suggest things to do with or trips with your mother? Does he send her updates of the grandchildren? Does he check in with her that she’s ok? Does he grab a toy in Sainsbury’s for your nephew because he remembers hearing him mention it?

All the things most mils/inlaw family seem to expect their dils to do for them.

I think this a childish. I buy my own mother present - I buy her what she likes. My partner mother is not my responsibility.

Nothing to judge you for; you do what works for you. The only comments that I make are where women expect other women to pick up after their useless sons.

I disagree with the majority but maybe that's because I have a terrible relationship with my mother. I personally make the effort for my MIL on mothers day, birthdays etc. My husband is crap at it and buys odd stuff. I would feel cruel to leave her out especially if I were to then post on FB about the stuff I was doing for and with my own mother. And I know people will judge me for this but it works in our relationship to play to our own strengths.

We don't need doormats. We need adults who know to be respectful without needing handholding from the women in their lives. Your husband knows how to do this but if he didn't, how far do you think he would respect your 'stepping in' on something that he hadn't chosen to do for himself?

Personally, if I felt that I'd got to the stage where I'd need to step in/make up for any grown adult then I'd be out of there, not doubling up as his mother.

Not picking up after men is not being a supporter of disharmony just, not a doormat.

You are making it some bizarre competition.

What your DIL does for her mother has absolutely nothing to do with what DS does for you. They are separate people. You aren’t DILS mother.

You should apologise to DS.

Does your son treat his MiL as a second mother and organise things for her?

Did your husband organise flowers for your mum?

I just think you should talk to your DS (don't raise the situation with his MIL) and say - I'm feeling a bit down, I'd really appreciate a bit of spoiling for mothers day and would love to see you and DIL to celebrate.

It's not hard to know when mother's day is though, even if you have a penis impeding that thought process. My mum is dead and I'm not a mum myself but I still know it's soon, because it's hard to miss! It's also not hard to have an idea of nice things to buy because again, it's hard to miss. Having a fanny hasn't helped me see displays in supermarkets or marketing emails any better.

Same with us.