Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

We’ve invited DS and his GF out to dinner on Mother’s Day but his GF is deciding what she’s doing and when with her mum- obviously. I’m sure we’ll figure something out in years to come when the older generation has gone and DS might have DC of his own. But if DS makes little effort I will think that reflects on him, not his GF.

You think the daughter in law should treat her own mother the same as her mother in law? How does that work? Does she downgrade her relationship? Or are expecting labour from her to provide for mother in law to the same standard?

I think she prefers to get things from him, but my husband is very good, normally takes her out for lunch etc. I just thought I had better taste in gifts lol, but actually his mom and I are very different, and I think she likes that he's picked something.

You have a ds problem.

Dh's mum is like this - told me "it's the woman's job to organise things like occasions/cards/presents" - it made her go down very much in my estimation, I'd thought she was a woman's woman before she came out with that.

Yes you are!! DH and I have a joint account - for bills. We also have our own accounts which our salaries are paid into. We buy family gifts from our own accounts.

I've been on MN for almost twenty years and I don't think anyone has ever been more unreasonable.

What someone else spends on their own mother has nothing to do with you.

You are absolutely determined that this is some woman's fault. You aren't her mother.

I get my mom nice cards (one from me and DH, one from DC) and thoughtful gifts on Mothers’ Day. My brothers get her “hilarious” cards. One never buys a gift as it falls around his birthday and he is too busy thinking about himself. The other bought her a Good Housekeeping subscription about 10 years ago which autorenews and he has never cancelled.

It’s the difference between daughters and sons. As a mum of boys I am resigned to it. They are fairly young so DH sorts out a card and gift for them that they help to choose so last year I got a card that said “Mum you legend”. It is what it is- as long as they make AN effort when they are old enough to do so, I don’t think you can be fussy what that effort actually is/ looks like.

It’s ok, OP, I’ve fixed it for you:

“My DIL’s efforts for her mother on mother’s day have shown my son’s efforts over the years to be completely inadequate, which makes me feel bad. AIBU?”

I don't think that mothers need to be treated the same, but if a takeaway was a usual thing you might think it would occur to him that he could do that whilst his OH was with her mum.

I guess he didn't want to.

I think for a lot of MIL they are actually very touched if their DIL arranges it. My MIL certainly is- but then we have a close relationship. I think the difficulty of this discussion is that everyone’s relationships with their sons differ, their DIL differ, how they were both brought up differs, how close they live and see each other generally differs. Therefore is no one size fits all.

Early in my relationship with my now husband I picked his mom's present, but I actually think she prefers to get something from her son, rather than me, so I leave him to it now.

Lots of people are saying if the man's no good his wife needs to step up, but are MILs really happy with something they know is from their DIL instead?

Lots if DILs go to all this effort and her in laws don't like her anyway

Not saying it’s an argument to be had, just pointing out that when these discussions come up that when men aren’t doing things for their own mums or partners it’s because they’re ‘crap’ at it. They’re not, it’s just they’re never brought up on how it’s not ok to not put the effort in because some woman somewhere will either make up for it or brush it off.

Men aren’t crap at getting basic gifts - it may work for some families for the wife to sort both sides but not at the excuse that having a man brain makes it unworkable for him. Mother’s Day isn’t even a hard one to figure out! But in the OP’s case, I can see why her son is fed up. I’m wondering if he’s the eldest and/or only son. It certainly feels like there’s something else that’s lead him to saying an outright no.

Why don't you expect more of your children who have children of their own? I think I appreciated my mum way more once I had my DC.

And neither of them spend Christmas with either you or her family "to be fair"? Not even alternate years or going to their separate families? This is sad for all of you.

Well aren't you the spiteful one? I've seen your posts before too.

He needs to let this go before your future DIL has a real reason not to like you.

Your son doesn't make much effort for mother's day. You were fine with this. Your DIL doesn't have to do less for her mother to please you.

You're too old to be jealous. I wonder why your Dil doesn't like you?

It might be really worth you considering why it descended into an argument. I find it hard to believe that if you have an otherwise good relationship with him, you calling and simply saying you’d love to see him at some point on Mother’s Day would result in that. Or did you start to bring up comparisons with your DIL and her mother on the call, and how you felt that compares unfavourably to his efforts?

Last year he got you a card and photo frame, which isn’t nothing and more than his siblings did. If you want to fix this, I’d really recommend looking honestly at what your relationship with your son is like, and be brutally honest with your own role in it. All fault you’ve mentioned has been put at your DIL’s door but that’s very likely not the cause. And calling up to say you expect more of him in light of what his wife does, but don’t expect anything different from your other children isn’t fair and he’s right to call that out, even if that’s upsetting for you.

@Nconee

“I was thinking about asking DS to be mindful of treating us both the same this Mother’s Day. I do see how this will come across now so I will refrain.”

This attitude is where you’re going wrong. Your DS isn’t the one treating his finances mother a certain way. That is her relationship with her mum. She is the one making an effort with her mum and buying her presents etc, not your son.

You are channeling feelings about the fact that you’re disappointed in your son towards your daughter in laws relationship with her own mother.

If you want to see more of him don’t come at it from a confrontational way. Just ask when you can get a date in for him to come and visit you rather than saying “why don’t you come and see me?”

Also, stop bringing up his fiancé and making out she’s the one who’s caused this. Your son is responsible for his own actions and by you constantly bringing her up and making sly digs you’re just pushing him away.

He still treated you exactly the same as he did when he lived at home but, because he now had a partner, it's not enough for you. Even though your other children are given a pass from visiting you.

He's not wrong on how he feels.

You were asking for more and acting jealously towards his future MIL

Sorry OP but you are in the wrong I'm afraid

Wow imagine having that conversation with the son"I saw your MIL got a better present than me last Mothers day I want the same."
😂
It's not a competition and not a reflection on your relationship, I know my two sons love me sometimes I get a card, sometimes a really nice present. sometimes a token present doesn't mean they love me more one year and less another! Also daughters tend to make more of an effort in my family as they find thinking of a suitable gift possibly easier but do they love me more? Love is not quantifiable.

Out of interest, what did your son do when he was single? If he made a big fuss of you then and has stopped and transferred it all to his MiL to be, then that would be extremely hurtful and you may have grounds for thinking his partner may be influencing him (though nothing stopping him resisting of course.) However if he's putting in the same level of effort he always did then YABU because you're expecting his partner to step in to raise his game which is unfair.

So seeing as women can't force these sorts of men to be thoughtful of the8r mothers that results in either the wife doing it all because he's not interested, or she has to do nothing for her own mother to make it 'fair'?! Fuck that, men just need to start being held accountable for their lack of thoughtfulness and consideration. MiLs aren't little children who need to be treated the same.

It sounds like you’d be happy with the situation as long as her mum just got a frame as well (like how they don’t see either at Christmas) … like a race to the bottom

I think the other kids could post a gift or send flowers by post though

Well, he sounds bang on, to be honest. You expect his time and money every year, but let your other kids off because they have children of their own - it hardly seem fair.

I feel like he probably can't win with you.

We don't so the same for mine/dh sides with birthdays or fathers/mother's day... I do my family in line with my own family's etiquette, and dh's family do their own thing with their own etiquette.