Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Well done apologising OP.

I know it's difficult and I'll probably be miffed myself when DS is a man.

I sadly don't have expectations from life experience, SIL definitely took on tne role for Dbro too, buying a card and flowers.
I don't understand why a lot of men ignore the role.

Anyway the best of luck, look into the rental agreement to check if you can sublet a room, or offer it to a student for an agreement of light duties, as a live in carer role. I'm sure you can have a live in carer, they can claim carer's allowance and pay a small amount of rent and utilities.

If you do rent a room, use the extra money to buy a mobility scooter.

Get your freedom back.

Things are forever changing, the bad and the good.

You've done your job, they're adults, look out for you.

I am glad you have sorted the argument and you apologised. I have not even thought about Mother's Day and would not dream of expecting cards/presents and visits. If they aren't forthcoming willingly then I would rather they didn't bother.

It might be time for you to start trying to be a bit more independent by trying to get around more on your own with assistance from people other than your son and maybe try and build better relationships with your other children. No doubt having 5 children and working created a tricky dynamic with not enough time to go round. Maybe they have all decided that they don't need to make an effort now you have lots of time.

I'm starting to understand why your son's partner doesn't like you !

I live over 6,000 miles away from my parents. I still see them at least 3 times a year.

Your other children are making it very clear they don’t give a sh*t. There is obviously a whole lot more to this family situation. Not seeing any of your children at Christmas is shocking & heartbreaking 💔

I think you should unfollow (not unfriend) her on Facebook because it will drive you crazy going forward if these kinds of posts are bothering you, best not to know about them at all.

You forgot the 'with impunity' in your first sentence. I mean that she doesn't make a fuss about not seeing her daughter for 5 years, but does make a fuss if her youngest son doesn't visit her on Mother's Day, despite him acting as her carer for years after she became disabled. Her reactions to these two adult children are very different. That is what is so puzzling.

Yeah I don't get this either.

Since the lockdowns, my parents have done more of the travelling to see us, because we live 4 hours away and we had a baby in the lockdowns. Much easier for them to "pop" along than for us to do it. Not impossible, and we have visited with little one, but it's not as easy as getting in the car and setting off. However, there's been some shifts in health and now little one is bigger, we're doing more of the travelling, although for us it always involves staying over cos 8 hours in the car in one day with a 3 year old is not something any of us wants.

You have to make the effort, but it goes both ways. Don't berate the child that has been there all the time and accept the other doesn't bother. All her children should be making the effort, even if it looks different for each of them.

It's the changing times .. when I was married 40 odd years ago it was my responsibility to sort birthdays, christmas etc for family and my ex-husband left it to me. My mother in law was very critical and I've never had a good relationship with my mother so they both were treated equally. When I was a daughter in law I felt I was treading on eggshells all the time and now I'm a mother in law I was the one also treading on eggshells until eventually my sons both didn't bother anymore so I've just let them get on with it. Never expect anything then I'm not disappointed! 😕

“She allows her older children to neglect her”?!
since when do parents have such control over their adult kids??
I agree she’s putting everything on her son as he’s the only one around and that’s wrong but the tone of some of these replies is really unpleasant.

I like what @delatron said.

It’s the wrong assumption though.

OPs daughter hasn’t been to see her in 5 years!

OP it sounds tough but I think your anger and upset is directed at the wrong person. Your son looked after you single handlidly for years. What a kind man. Yet the others don’t come and visit you, their own mother for years and that’s ok ‘because they have children’.

They should be making even more of an effort. I’m guessing you never see your grandchildren? Yet you make excuses for this.

Your daughter hasn’t been to see you in 5 years. That’s pretty poor. Yet your son who was your live in carer for many years is the one you are upset with?

It all sounds a bit of a mess but the rest of your children need to step up.

I can’t imagine not seeing my Mum for years. She lives 4 hours away. So what we took the kids up and down the M1. Quite often just me and the kids if DH couldn’t make it.

I hope things improve.

OP, can I suggest that now that you've resolved the argument you had with your DS, that you perhaps try to mend things, by inviting him and his fiancee to go OUT with you for a meal - your treat, if you can afford it. Tell him you've realised that you've slipped into the habit of expecting him to do things for you because he lives closest, and used to look after you at home, but you've realised how unfair that is on him, so have decided that it's time to make a fresh start, and you would like to him and his fiancee out to dinner, as a thank you for all that he's done for you in the past. This might just be a way of drawing a line under the mistakes that you've made, and re-setting your relationship with them both.

Just a thought, I'm an older, disabled woman myself, and when I was growing up, we had a neighbour, who everyone avoided, because EVERY time someone said, 'Hello, how are you' to her, she would say, 'oh, I've got so much pain, I can't walk, blah, blah, blah'. She was one of those people who didn't seem to realise that when people ask how you are, they're just being polite, but don't really mean it, and certainly don't want your ailments gone through in detail. Having seen how everyone avoided her because of this, when I became disabled, I made up my mind to avoid talking to people about my ailments, when they ask how I am, so I just tend to say 'I'm fine thanks, how about you?' Could it be, that because you don't get out much, and are lonely, that you have slipped into the habit of doing this? Have a think about it, and be honest with yourself. Then, think about what you can do to make your conversation more interesting. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful DH, and we happily spend most of our time together, because of this, it would be easy to have nothing fresh to talk about, but one way I've found, is to chat with him about some of the subjects that come up on Mumsnet. I tell him about the funny ones, some of the serious ones, etc., and it's often interesting to get a man's opinion about a particular topic. I also try and keep an eye on the news, so that there are things to talk about there, and when we meet other people, I make a point of asking about how they are, what they've been doing, etc., rather than concentrating on talking about myself. Maybe give this some thought, so that you don't always talk to your DS about the same old things. Just my thoughts, but maybe they might help.

Relationships are usually more complicated than this.

OP’s children can’t have been so busy for years.

there is something else going on here.

From how OP described how she confronted her son and blamed his fiancée I suspect OP has difficult relationships with all her children.

it’s not too late though - but OP needs to be self aware. Think through what has caused all her children to distance themselves from her. Why she has a difficult relationship with the new people in her son’s life. Not everyone can be that honest about their flaws and
mistakes though. It’s easier to blame others.

How can they be too busy to come visit their own mum. OP they need a kick up the bum. I can tell why youngest DS is getting stressed with you making the most demands from him, with the others not bothering. I feel sad for you, I think you need to talk to them and tell them how u feel, sounds like they too wrapped up in own lives, so see how lovely their mum is

It is OP's fault that she allows her older children to neglect her with impunity but the son who acted as her carer for many years after she became ill is held to higher standards and gets late night phone calls complaining about him not visiting his mum on Mother's Day.

OP's daughter hasn't seen her mum for five years but OP seems strangely unbothered about this.

I’m not saying she should’ve reminded him. I’m saying I can see why the poster might think that but not her DIL problem

I don't think you're reading what others are.

Ok it was harsh for PP to say DH left because of OPs demands, we don't know that to be the case. But OPs son is her son, that's not the same as a man leaving his ill wife - that man would have made vows he was breaking, OPs son never signed up for being her carer. He's entitled to his own life and to draw boundaries with a mother who by her own admission expects much more from him than she does from his siblings, which is unfair.

It's not OPs fault she needs care, but no one blames her for that - but for the unfair expectations she has of only one of her children. It's not her son's job to fill in for his absent father and older siblings.

It's learned helplessness. And entirely up to the individual as to whether or not you choose to teach it.

I have no interest in doing Wifework so I don't do Wifework. My MiL does not miss out because DH is a perfectly capable, sentient adult who can remember dates and arrange cards and gifts perfectly well by himself.

If some men decide to be 'useless' - and it is very much a choice - then this is a 'them' problem. It's astonishing in this day and age that the first recourse of blame is always the nearest available woman.

It traditional in the UK for the bride's family to organise and pay for the wedding so perhaps they just followed that tradition.

Your son will be getting your Mother’s Day card and present so there will no change there.
You are going to be very disappointed when you have grandchildren as your
daughter in law will see her mother more often and will ask her for baby advice
and babysitting

That’s unnecessarily harsh.
i don’t think the son and dil are doing anything wrong by spending more on her mum, but to criticize the op regards her relationship with her kids is not needed.
we all parent differently, and it’s not necessarily the op’s fault her kids are lax with their contact with her.

OP I don't think you have listened if the result is that he is still expected to visit you but your other children are given a pass and you are running around after them

I know it's old fashioned to say now but most men I know make less fuss about mothers day, birthdays and Christmas than their wives/partners.

My partner never makes much of a fuss with mothers day. He got his mam a card that said 'just like a mother' and I had to explain she is his mother and not actually like a mother. 🙄 I definitely do more for my mam than my partner does with his. And now we have children he does more for me on mother's day than his mam.

Why on earth do you expect your Son's partner to organise anything for you on Mothers day ? Your son is an adult, has he been brought to believe that any woman he marries becomes his second Mum ? Speak to your Son now about having lunch with you on Mothers day, if you don't do it now than for the rest of his life he will tag along with the plans his wife makes and you will never see him on Mothering Sunday or Christmas day again.