Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

You sounds exactly like my MIL. 🙄

On Mother's Day I want to spend it with my children and my mum. If DH wants to go to see his, then he is more than welcome to.

I wouldn't have dreamt of inviting MiL to search for wedding dresses, that was for my mum and sister and best friend.

Your son isn't doing anything different than he always has. If you want a better relationship with him/them, then work on it !

It's the thought that counts, not the money! And surely your DIL and son have a little independence in their finances so he's not likely to be funding her gifts for her mum.

They do not need to be treated equally, they are not small children!

My partner manages to make a fairly good effort for his mum on mothers day (as well as christmas etc). I would never make the same effort for my mother, because she's never been there for me and we are not close. If my partner decided he had to step in and sort out a gift for my mum to make it 'fair', I'd be extremely pissed off. Luckily as a man though, he doesn't have any pressure whatsoever on him to sort anything out for my mum.

That must have been incredibly hurtful to hear and you need to take a bit of time to forget the hurt and hear the message. Hi has obviously been the last of your children at home and has been very present in your life. Like the others he is now moving out and on and there should be no more expectation on him than on any of your other children. I would apologise for your part in the argument and let the new pattern develop, keep inviting them or suggesting meet ups. No fuss if they say no, let him see that it is happening (if it does) and then work from there on how see him alone.
Your life will change and that is hard but doable and you can choose to embrace it or hate it.

My Mother used to get everything laid on for Mother's Day while MiL was lucky if she got a card.

Fast forward 10 years and I am NC with my Mother and we moved 200 miles to be near MiL.

The present doesn't necessarily reflect the sentiment behind it.

You stated “I would honestly never treat my mum better than my MIL on days like that”. That’s a problem. Suppose your MIL wasn’t the superstar that she is. That’s not a never. Or you’re specifically talking about your mother in law in which case your responses are irrelevant.

Why does is it assumed it needs a NATO summit? It’s just a chat 🤷‍♀️

I think YABVU. Why on earth should the DiL get you anything?! Your son is doing as he has always done. She is free to get whatever she likes for her mum. She's not stopping him doing the same for you, he just doesn't want to.
And it does appear that it's all on him.
You asking him what's going on for mother's day is unfair.

It's called Mother's Day, not Mother In Law's Day. YABU

Wow, a one-off thing that a good daughter in law also would have done whilst you do all the mental load and effort of gift giving every year.

Oh I don’t know, driving 2 hours in the middle of the night to help my dad when he had a heart attack?

“Team effort for us” - what effort is your husband making here?

I really like my MIL but I don’t get her anything on Mother’s Day. She isn’t my mum. And even though I’m married I don’t dream of consulting my husband on what I get for my own mum. It’s none of his concern. I earn my own money and don’t have to consult him every time I spend it. You are trying to blame your DIL because your son doesn’t make an effort on Mother’s Day. It’s nothing to do with your DIL.

huh? I have literally said earlier if you read my previous comments that each situation is completely different and that every relationship is different and depends on a lot do things.

other people were criticising me for looking after my own MiL in my particular set of circumstances.

why don’t you read all my comments?

I can honestly say I have never ever discussed flower preference with anyone.

I am kind of with you. A couple should look to treat both sets on in laws equally and be sensitive to how any differences may look and feel.
It's a bit like treating all your children equally in my book.
I think your son and DIL (to be) should be seeking to treat you equally.

And reading the op do you think your situation remotely applies? Or that women should be expected to do any of those things? My mother is wonderful. Supportive. To me and my husband. My mother in law is not and never has been. Absolutely no way am I levelling that.

Because he wouldn’t have a clue what sort of flowers they would like. I know very well because I chat with both mums about this. So many sons chat to their mums about their favourite flowers?

This made me giggle, my husband doesn’t! He doesn’t want one either. He is much happier with just one joint one. I have my own but he doesn’t!

yes! I love organising the flowers for my mil and my mother. I don’t think my husband is lazy and he loves his mum to bits. I am just better at gifts and I actively enjoy doing this stuff and picking out the flowers they would like. As I have said before, there is literally no one size fits all in this situation. I would honestly never treat my mum better than my MIL on days like that. Each to their own but me and my husband are a team- he is good at some things. He would rush over and help either set of parents if they needed it. I am better at other things. Team effort for us.

If one has a beautiful bouquet then so should the other.

Who did all of these things?

To those of you who organise mother's day for your mils - do your husbands organise fathers day for your fathers? If not, why?

So a daughter in law has to organise her own mum’s gift AND the mother in law’s? What’s the son doing? The bar is so low for these men. If DIL wants to do something for MIL they can but the MIL isn’t her MOTHER - the point of the day!

Why isn’t your husband doing it?

Your future DIL has arranged this with her siblings for her mother and your son has gone along with it like a dutiful partner, because he was asked to. He could have arranged something similar for you, but he didn't. If he had, then he could have asked his partner to come along and maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't, depending on how the relationship between the two of you is. But this is on him, not her.

He could say to her 'it's my mum's turn this year. We spent the day with your mum last year. Either come with me, or I'll take my mum out to lunch alone and you can see your mum without me.' Or he could say 'let's host lunch here then we can invite both our mums.'

If none of those things happen and you get a token visit for an hour the day before or the day after, it's because HE hasn't made you a priority. Men (unless they are gay) do tend to think differently to women where things like this are concerned.

This is probably how your Christmases are going to be from now on too, so you'd best get used to it. Unless you are prepared to tell your son that you feel sidelined and you'd really like to make sure things like Christmas Day and Mother's Day mean you get a fair share of their time and attention too, in future. But if you don't ask, don't expect him to make sure of that himself. Most men just go along with whatever their partner arranges for her family, even if that means never prioritising their own parents.