Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Oh dear. You really didn’t listen to the advice on here. You’re pushing him, DIL and any future children he may have witj DIL away from you.

YABU. Putting that guilt trip on him was really unkind.

This is an issue with your son, not 'them'.

And as for your other children, I find that where there's a will, there's a way. Maybe not every year, but they can make the effort every so often.

I've always spent Mother's Day with my mother and Father's Day with my dad. Even after having children, we drag them along.

We do breakfast at home with partner (my sister is still married), then afternoon with parents.

The daughter will always favor her mother, I told my DiL in the very beginning that I would never get angry at her if she chose her mother. It’s natural and maybe all her siblings chipped in gor the flowers and meal. You son came and honored you before hand. That was the perfect thing to do.

Your DIL is not your daughter. She can treat her mother in whatever way she wants.

Don't blame your DIL for the shortcomings in your DS and the rest of your children.

I think you need to step awat from social media. Comparison is the thief of joy. The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.

I agree with everyone else. We don't treat MIL and DM the same, because we each arrange our own parent's gifts. Sometimes I spend more on mine, sometimes DH spends more on his. They like different things. Couldn't even tell you what he gets MIL.

My mother told me at least once a day during childhood that life isn’t fair.

I’m assuming none of your other children are daughters, and that you don’t know or care what your DILs do with their mums, just this one, because she’s taken your baby away, right?

I’ve not once bought or sent a card or present for any member of DH’s family in 25 years. Why would I? As it happens neither of us do any more than a card for anyone as we’re way beyond that point. I’m sure my sister gets my mother something but as she lives with her with my nephew, my parents do a lot more for her than they do for me. If my mother ever raised this I’d have no issue reminding her that “life isn’t fair”. I don’t think MIL even has my number.

Just all sounds a bit grabby to me, people expecting larger and better gifts each year...whatever happened to a nice card and a box of chocs/flowers/plant etc.

My mum would never want or expect me to spend more than a few quid on her, and neither would I if I had kids

Oh God, the more I read the more you're setting yourself up to be hurt and ignored.

It's not for you to ring him and ask what he is doing for Mother's Day! You wait to see what your children want to do.

Nor can you tell him to be mindful of treating both mums the same way

You sound very demanding and entitled.

This is just petty and silly.

Tbf they're not married yet!

Its about the nature and quality of the relationship between an offspring and their mother. Its about feelings, effort and making her happy if the relationship is good. So there is no point in comparing the amount of money spent. It looks as though she has a good relationship with her mother. Its up to your DS to do something with and for you depending on the relationship you have with him. If you feel he could do more and you would like to see him on the day, just tell him. But its not about who spends more.

Stop putting all the pressure of all your children just onto him (her).

Don’t blame her for his perceived lacking.

Do take what help you can where you can to get out and about more when you can.

Biggest tip. Don’t rely on anyone else to be your only happiness.

I think daughters tend to make more of things like Mothers’ Day than sons, to be honest, so I wouldn’t be too upset. The issue isn’t with either of them - l think if your son is doing what he’s always done, then that’s enough. He’s just choosing to tag along with your DIL’s plans, whereas she chooses not to with his.

Mother's Day isn't an occasion where things need to be equal. The gift is from your child, not their partner.

MIL always gets more than my mum on Mother's Day because she guilts DH if he doesn't do something she can boast about on Facebook. I'm a lot closer to my mum than DH is to MIL but my mum tells us not to worry every year and would be cross if I went over the top.

I think both mums should be treated equally, husband and I always did but it was never really lavish. They appreciated it though. I expect your soon to be daughter in law did the thing for her mum, perhaps with siblings, and your son went along.

Don't take it personally and do try to like the girl.

Disabled people win Olympic medals and climb mountains , help is available at train stations, adapted car ?

I would tell your son you want a closer relationship with Dil and ask what you can do to improve things

I would be hurt at the lack of contact and being snubbed at dress shopping

just because they have a joint bank account does not mean they don’t also have separate accounts for personal spending

my partner has different gift giving traditions, habits , expectations in their family to mine , very different ! And in 20 years of marriage we haven’t changed we both buy our mums very different things at different times to a different budget

defo do not demand the same eak!
why not invite the other mil to yours for Mother’s Day or suggest you all go out

Why would both mothers be treated the same - they are two different people with 2 different ' children '

Your soon to be dil can treat her mother however she wishes, just like your son continues to send you a card and the same type/value of gift as he has always done.

Maybe you did have a take away when he lived with you, he doesn't now so you are no longer cooking for him - as I guess you used to cook for him ?

if you wish to have a take away that evening then you are free to do so.

You have other ' children ' what do they do for / about Mother's Day ?

Your soon to be dil has siblings too, you have no idea who organised / paid for her flowers and cake / meal out etc.

and it's none of your business.

I suggest you stop following your soon to be dil's mother on Facebook.

and no I wouldn't expect to be part of the bride's group when she went wedding dress shopping - she is not your daughter.

and I wouldn't expect nor hope to be part of either her hen night / do

or there in the daytime when she is getting dressed / ready for the wedding...

You want to see your son and have a meal with him on Mother's Day, just tell him this is what you'd prefer. You can't moan about it if he is not aware of this.

Honestly this is not a hill to die on. Mothers day is very commercialised and meals out on this day are often troublesome as service is usually slow and restaurants busy and noisy. I say that as a daughter and mother and grandmother but my daughters live locally and my mum lives 250 miles away so she could be in your position. I think sometimes the onus is on the one who lives closest but that should not happen really. Your situation is worse if you cannot travel though. I think it should not matter what your DIL does for her mum. It is your DC responsibility, not just your DS but the ones who live further away too.

Guilting your DS will only push him further away as you have found out. Mothers Day is not for a few weeks as well. Order yourself a takeaway if your DC don't make an effort. Do you have local friends you could meet up with so you have something to look forward to on the day?

I'll be honest, I never treated my DM and DMiL the same. My DM lived with us, did a lot for us - baby sitting, meals, support - and I used Mother's Day to thank her. DH would get something for me from the children when they were young but I would always sort something for his DM. A few years ago I hit on the perfect gift (bird seed subscription delivered every month) and have not changed it since. I will send her a card but her home is tiny and cluttered and she doesn't want anything so we will continue with the bird seed until she is no longer with us. I do try and make an effort for her birthday and Christmas (only 4 weeks apart) but I don't feel bad for not doing the same as I would have done for my DM. If it makes a difference DH is one of 3 and I am an only child.

I went to both my DILs wedding dress hunts. Its lovely to be involved. I paid for one DIL because her mother had died many years ago. I was invited to hen do as well. As was mother of the bride and granny of the bride.

Oh come on, there's nothing spiteful about what I said!

The Ops son is treating her the same way he always did but she's got her nose out of joint because Dil's mother is getting more. It's ridiculous.

Why would a Mother of the Groom go on a wedding dress shopping trip? I've never heard of that! Always bride/mum or bride/friends. My DS is getting married in summer too.

I love my kids all year round and they are fantastic. I don't think they owe me anything because I brought them up but I always enjoy spending time with them. If it's Mother's Day or any other day, that's great.

That a very extreme example, unless your husband is driving you to nighttime emergencies on a weekly bases how does that remove him from doing basic things like sorting Mother’s Day/birthdays/Christmas for his family?