Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Well it looks like you have your answer now. The reason you don’t get as much for Mother’s Day as you’d like or you don’t see your son as much as you’d like is down to your son, not your DIL.

You say that you have a disability and that you are sometimes unwell. Was this the case when he was living with you? Did he used to have to care for you a lot? More so than his siblings did? If so then that would go some way to explaining where his brewing resentment is coming from.

Also, for what it’s worth, I did take my MIL to one of my wedding dress fittings and all my friends were so surprised as it’s not really the done thing to include your future MIL in the wedding dress shopping experience.

You really do need to focus on your relationship with your DS, not your DIL or your DIL’s relationship with her own DM. Perhaps also try and reflect from your DS’s point of view too.

I can’t believe you rang him and asked him what he was going to do for you for Mother’s Day. I’m cringing for you. People have to want to do nice things- they can’t be pushed to do it.
Also, I’m concerned for your quality of life if you can’t leave the house unaccompanied? How do you get anywhere if you can’t get buses, or trains by yourself?

I’m sorry you’ve had a falling out.

I’m sure it will pass. I’d leave it a couple of days and send a message saying you are so sorry you had a falling out, you love him lots and you suppose it’s just an adjustment for you him leaving the nest and you hope he can let it pass and hopefully you’ll see them soon and it is all water under the bridge.

Don’t angle for an apology, no one likes being guilted. The important thing to have a relationship, not to be right.

When you are together be aware of how much time you spend talking of negative things relative to how much time you spend chatting about positive or neutral things. Do you know much about their work and their friends? It sounds like you have had a tough time and while ideally our loved ones would be the people we can confide in, sadly if every time you visit or talk to someone you get a litany of woes it is very draining and not very enticing. I don’t mean you have to be a Pollyanna and can never share bad news about your health or events in your life.

I appreciate the above may be irrelevant and you are always a hoot he visits, it’s just I’ve seen people make this mistake time and time again and fail to understand why their kitchen table isn’t a magnet for their adult children. Please don’t get into a competition with her mum, their relationship and family culture are not the problem here and you will be the loser.

Why not suggest you all have a joint meal out together as you’re all about to become family soon.

I have just read your latest update. I’m sorry I have misjudged the situation. I’m so sorry for you really . This is way more than Mothers Day it sounds as if you are feeling so left out and unappreciated. Unfortunately I think you are always going to feel left out as your DIL and son will probably make their own lives. Could you start building up friendships and widening your circle yourself. Otherwise I’m afraid this situation of feeling left out might take over for you

YABU for caring so much about Mother's Day

How do you feel about the celebrations your other son’s mils get compared to what they give you? Or is it just this adult child.

Where you pinning the last hopes of a close tight-nit family with grandchildren since the others all live so far away?

Then the door slamming shut on that’s what’s actually triggered this jealous outburst compared to how his siblings treat you, which has realistically set how he feels he should be able to have his relationship with you as well and feels put upon that you expect more from him.

@Nconee My first instinct when I saw you say that your DIL wouldn’t be organising anything was an eye-roll. Like others have posted, I wanted to say ‘of course she won’t, and nor should she. You’re not her mother!’ as I hate the gendered expectation put on women to do these things. I may be wrong, but reading through, I get a much deeper sense of your sadness and perhaps feelings of isolation. It would be easy to channel these in the form of resentment and towards the DIL or focusing on a particular day rather than possibly confronting difficult feelings about your relationships with your own children. My instinct is that this is about much more than Mother’s Day. I read in your posts a general exasperation along the lines of ‘well, if they don’t show me what I consider is enough love and consideration for the rest of the year, the very least they could do is make an effort on Mother’s Day’. This then seems to be taken a step further in an attempt to reconcile your perception of yourself as a long-suffering but reasonable person, with the focus being put on the child who could easily travel to you (‘see, I’m not being unreasonable. I don’t ask for much, just for the one closest to visit’). As others have pointed out, this may have created an unreasonable burden on your son which he resents. I think this is worth looking at the other way around, however. If you were truly happy with your relationships with your children, Mother’s Day would probably be a much less big deal because you would be made to feel secure all year around. I say this with kindness because I think that Mother’s Day is being made to be a straw man here, and you’ve already put the focus on it in your call to your son, which hasn’t ended well. Would it be helpful to talk your feelings through with a neutral friend and try to be open and reflective with yourself about your true feelings about your current situation? Ultimately, if you feel a bit isolated and lonely and long to change your relationship with your children (and forgive me if I’m reading this wrong, but that’s the impression I get), the most powerful way to do this is from a position of self-reflectiveness. It then totally changes the dynamic of the conversation and the focus on the single child. Your next conversation with your son could be a non-blaming one, about how you wonder if there is any way you could strengthen your bond, any way you could take a more active part in their life (in a non-pressuring way) and any thing you could do to make that easier. You might ask him if there is anything he would like to talk about, or any feelings he has that he wants to get off his chest. You could have a similar conversation with all your children. I feel this could be really powerful. Ultimately, you can’t change other people but you can change the way you frame things and approach things, which makes a happy outcome more likely. Good luck!

So do I! I wonder if it’s the same woman 😂😂

I’m going to be away on Mother’s Day. I’m fully expecting my sons will completely forget it. I really don’t care. I know they love and value me.

I think girls make more of a fuss for their mums as a rule.

I send my mum a card and a small gift or flowers each Mothers Day. I pay for this from my own account, not our joint account, and I sign the card from only me - not my partner or child as she is not their mum. I don't take anything to do with what my partner gets his mum. Not because I don't like her (I've known her 10 years now) but because she's not my mum! Usually he'll send a card but never a present - but his family are not card/present people in general.

You sound like a martyr OP and it's not becoming. I do all for my sons who are still young but even now I tell them that mother's day is every day and I love their drawings any day so definitely not setting up a precedent to guilt trip them with further along.

I think your son feels guilty about you (you have alluded to health issues and he has probably picked up on your jealousy towards Mil and your animosity towards your Dil) and he wants to share "the burden" with his siblings. Your response to why you couldn't see your other children : " Unfortunately not as I have no way to get to them" What do you mean? Have they gone nc with you?

You’ve taken nothing on board OP. Don’t expect him to want to do anything at all now for Mother’s Day. You trying to guilt trip into grand gestures has really backfired here.

I think what you're pointing out is just the different ways sons and daughters treat Mums.

I'm sorry to hear that Op. I do think his siblings could be doing more but it's quite shit not to worry not to pop in and see your mum on Mother's Day if you live close by. I would love to do that!
You do sound lonely. Do you have a partner?

My daughter definitely likes her MIL, they get along brilliantly in fact they are all together this weekend. She didn’t invite her wedding dress shopping though. I think it’s more common in America for a mob to attend dress appointments

I used to organise gifts for MIL not any more, if her son doesn’t want to bother why should I have to

Just wondering if this the beginning of you feeling sidelined by this relationship. Unequal Mother’s Day celebration. Being left out of the wedding planning. You have a gut feeling that your future daughter in law doesn’t like you and perhaps you are anticipating unequal involvement with future grandchildren ? I would not be looking at the MIL socials as this will make you feel terrible if you spot things you have been left out of. Why not stay off them and at the same time try to foster a relationship with DIL as you may be attributing ‘coolness’ when it might just be uncertainty about you on her part

Sorry you had a falling out with him OP. I bet he feels guilty so lashed out. He’s acting like a prick. It’s ridiculous he goes out for his MIL but won’t even take you out for a lunch just the two of you?

That's very typical though, especially in more 'traditional' families. My parents helped with my wedding financially. My SIL's parents helped with my brothers wedding, my parents did offer but we're told that it was brides parents responsibility.

How involved is your son in the wedding planning, is he leaving most of it to his fiancé? In which case it's natural her family will be more involved.

My DH is an only child, so I consciously made an effort, invited my MIL to the dress shopping and both in laws to the food tasting session, as I knew she wouldn't get those experiences again. She was pleasantly suprised, she didn't expect it in any way, even though my DH was very involved in the wedding planning.

It is on your son to involve you, not your DIL.

It’s up to your son how much or little he wants to give you. YABU

You feel that both mothers should be treated equally. Surely then you should also think that all your children should be treated equally but they're not treated equally. You have high expectations of one and no expectations of the others. You reap what you sow.

What’s stopping your other children driving down to see you on Mother’s Day?? Their DC can travel down with them, that’s no excuse. Sounds like your son feels like you are guilt tripping him, for not seeing you, but nothing gets said to his siblings? Why is this?

I think your other children should pull their socks up and start visiting you more. Unless there’s a backstory why they don’t? It’s sad, as I would drive for however long it takes, to give my mum a lovely day (even if it’s not on actual Mother’s Day, they surely can find a date that suits them to come see you).

Why should she ask you to go dress shopping? I find it very starnge that you think that's the norm? for what its worth neither my own mother or mother in law went dress shopping for my own wedding. and I love my mother in law. more fact than my own mother 🤣
my husband organises his mothers day present evey year for her every year not me same with birthdays.
this is on your son not your daughter in law

Yes YABU