Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Wow your husband bought MD gifts for both his and your mother and organised celebrations for them? Times have changed, there was me thinking ‘back in the day’ men just thought it was wife’s work and their part was to pay for it…

Which gifts did your husband purchase?

So it's nutty to not accept sexism? The OP's posts are all about blaming a woman for the actions (or lack of) of a man.

You aren't DILs mother.

Therefore if you want bells and whistles on M Day it's up TO YOUR SON to provide the bells and whistles

I'd try to make friends with DIL or once your son has married her, things will only get worse imo

Why not ring her and ask her and son over to yours for MDay. If they can't make it on the Sunday, organise something for Saturday evening

Start showing willing and being friendly

You might find that you'll get more from DIL that way

Wow, times seem to have changed! When I was married my husband and I were partners and we organised celebrations and purchased gifts together - none of this "it's your mother, it's my mother" sort of divide. We did spend more time with my DM on Mother's Day, but that was because I'm an only child.

YANBU OP, despite what the usual nutty MNers think.

Why would you think that?

I think it's a bit odd that they didn't invite you and do a joint mother's day meal. Surely your son must notice the difference re your day and his mil?'s day? I'd be hurt too I think.

So DIL shouldn’t be allowed to organise cake or flowers for her mum, she should stick to a frame and a takeaway so OP doesn’t feel slighted?

Or does DIL have to start buying and sorting those things for OP as her son can’t be bothered?

Which do you think would be fair?

I agree and very good advice. DS needs to up his game imo.

Tbh a perspective he could have is, you push yourself to go out when one of his other siblings come down. But you won't go out with him for a meal as it's too much trouble.
Do you think he may have taken on more responsibility over your other children over the years? have you inadvertently had expectations for him to be there as and when needed and sort out things?

I have been significantly disabled before i found treatment and recovery. I do really feel for you. It is isolating and tbh depressing. I never travelled, as although you can get assistance. The meticulous planning required, making sure you get the aisle seats, the right carriage near the toilets, the nightmare of busy trains and needing assistance at changes. It's like you need an event planner and by lunchtime your exhausted. I gave up going out because it was always such a mission and when you are constantly poorly the "burden" feeling is depressing and tbh it does make you act differently.
I know at the time I didn't realise how much I put on those around me, it's only looking back from a better place i can see the strain I had on my family. When your in the thick of it the isolation and disability is overwhelming, so it's hard to see how others are feeling and what's going on in there lives.

Sorry he reacted like he did. He could easily come the day before if he really couldn’t get out of dinner with his wife’s mother. Very ungrateful. I don’t live near to my mum and so don’t spend mothers day with her, not in 24yrs. But when I move back north next year I shall we taking my mother for a meal every year, hopefully my adult kids will come down and we can all have a meal together. I can understand why you feel hurt, but it’s on your son.

We’ve just followed suit on what our family tradition is in terms of presents for Mother’s Day, birthdays, Christmas etc. Means we spend £50 per person on my side and £5-10 just for the kids and grandparents on DHs. I don’t think it ever occurred to do anything different. I think it’d be strange to suddenly do something extravagant or match what we spend on my family when it’s not in keeping with what the rest of the family do. Who knows, maybe my MIL has been quietly seething about it for 20 years!

This is so sad OP. When people make us feel guilty they do feel like a burden. Some pp have made excellent suggestions regarding how to take on a more optimistic approach in the contact with your son. I feel your sadness and your loneliness just by what you have written and I think it must weigh on your son who feels it and feels guilty. He steps back instead of coming forward, perhaps he's overwhelmed? You have been ill for a long time if I understood things right and it must be hard for you. Can you reach out to other people around you in your community ? If you had a fuller, richer life (emotionally speaking) you wouldn't be so obsessed with Dil and her mother. Maybe start an activity adapted to your health where you can meet people? I don't know anything about your specific situation but I think you need to find meaningful relationships outside your family in order to be in a better place. ❤️

And your still showing how you’ll push your self for his siblings who do near nothing and you expect nothing while his the bad guy.

Totally agree with this.

My MIL came over and demanded to see the dress. I was pretty taken aback. Apart from my parents and sister, my husband should have been the first to see it.

of course he does. Because you aren’t take any responsibility for the situation.

In fact your response to your and your son’s poor relationship was to blame it on your DIL. Says it all!

perhaps up to you to suggest?

You’ve never asked to be taken for a meal, bought flowers etc but now all of a sudden you want to demand this because that is what your DIL usually does for her mum? Do you realise how mad that sounds? Your family has their traditions and her family has hers. You should apologise to your son.

This. Would you be a happier person if your son had a girlfriend who just got her mum a card?!

You say that you are disabled and don't really travel. Would you have expected your son's girlfriend to come and collect you from your house to take you wedding dress shopping? I don't think your expectations are very reasonable at all, sadly. Did you expect any of your other son's wives to do this for you?

I love that the siblings who didn't bother with her got excluded from the will!

This is a son issue, not a DIL issue. I highly doubt that your son had the slightest thing to do with her mother's celebration. He probably didn't even want to be there.

In an ideal world, her organising that for her mother would have inspired him to do the same for you close to the actual date, but we don't live in an ideal world....Also bear in mind that adult daughters tend to be closer to their mums than adult sons are.

It's not fair but it's life.

Such an eloquent post! I only wish I could send it to my own DM. You have hit the nail on the head wrt how I feel about her.

You've children that can't be arsed to help you. So expect one child to pick up the slack. I see his point. Tell them you've won the lottery. We've just buried a neighbour very wealthy. Only one child has bothered with her the other two sponged for decades and never visited. She changed her will the week she died. Her daughter slagged her off in the eulogy as a result.

I'm sure that was really hard. It sounds as if you are struggling at bit with an empty nest. And your son does maybe feel responsible for you despite having other siblings.

In my experience the mother of the groom doesn't go dress shopping with the bride. It's nice to be asked but not a given.

How did you approach it with your son? Did you issue an invite? Or make a suggestion? Because if you went in with the attitude of "I'm laying down the law about mother day and we have to be treated equally" it would be annoying.

Can your other children not visit for once?

I take my mother out for lunch and leave my DH to do what he wants with his mother ( nothing usually)