Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Get off Facebook and stop comparing yourself to your DIL's mum! You're inventing things to get cross about!!

Agree with others I'd never take my MIL wedding dress shopping, it's quite a personal thing.

I think you're disappointed in your own children and their excuses and blaming your DIL.

I don't think it's unusual for kids to initially take quite a big step back when they first move out.

If you have 4 kids they could make sure you have regular visits without it being too onerous for any of them I would have thought.

You seem to have fallen into the trap of expecting the most of the one who has always done the most.

Perhaps you owe him an apology?

I am good at organising and sorting presents. He is rubbish at it. Why would I not help him?

None of those things are jobs that should be your jobs that he does because he's better at them, they are things for the running of your home.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do your husband's Mother's Day stuff if it suits you both but it's not the same as him doing things in your home or for your children.

When I read your OP my original assumption was that perhaps her siblings all chipped in for the presents/meal - would explain a bigger budget. It’s fair enough to feel sad but that’s on your children not clubbing together & planning rather than your children’s spouses. Might be fixed with some clear communication to all your children that you’d feel valued by ‘XYZ’, could they think about that for mother’s days going forward. People don’t know you’re hurt if you don’t communicate but it has to be reasonable, clear and fair from your side.

Re the MIL comparison, it won’t have been a concerted effort to spend more on her than they have on you. I have even said just this evening to my husband that I’m not sorting his mum’s present as I don’t have capacity, me and my siblings will do my mums and he and his siblings and sort theirs. And we have fully joint accounts. But he has more siblings so by nature, his mum will get a ‘bigger’ present if all siblings spend equally.

I love his mum but I just don’t want to take the present planning on for the next 40 years.

You might find it helpful to mute the Facebook postings as they are clearly upsetting you. I can appreciate you feeling the way you do, but I would never have invited my MIL dress shopping, and we get along just fine. I honestly don’t think this is a personal affront, so communicate how you’re feeling to your son as graciously as you can and whatever comes of the conversation should help move things forward for you.

Was he?

I think you need to get real. 4 kids. Not one makes the effort.

OP cant you see how unfair you've been depending on your son so much? It's not up to him to be your carer, he should be out living his life and I have to be honest if my partner had a mother like that I'd not be the biggest fan either.
It's not on your DIL to organise your mothers day stuff, it's up to your son and that's where your issue is.
I used to commute nearly 90mins each way to work and then work 45hr a week so sorry the excuse from your other children is nonsense. I suspect they are all distancing themselves and your son is resentful its all left up to him just cause he has no children.

Don’t do this. He’s almost certainly going to say that he has no plans with you - or you’d know about them - and it’s just going to make you feel awful and him feel pressured.

As someone who has young kids, I can see why life is manic… especially if you can’t offer much “help”, because most of my friends see their parents weekly but they also provide childcare, either alone or in support, and they’d see them a lot less if they didn’t.

But it seems your son has carried the load for the rest of your children for some time now; and while I can appreciate that him leaving must have been hard, and I think the last child to leave is always the hardest, that is quite unfair. And it’s quite possible that your DIL has helped him recover a bit and process everything, and that’s made her a bit distant too. That’s definitely true of my relationship with my MIL. He has always struggled with her expectations and pressures, and he has naturally talked about and worked through some of that with me, and I can see the impact on him… so that did change my opinion of her, somewhat.

Can you build more of a support network around yourself?

Unfortunately OP did and her son was rude and dismissive.

Christ, don't do that.

He does nearly everything practical around the house. Fixes appliances, clears gutters, takes out the rubbish etc…

We both cook and clean, look after the kids etc…

I am good at organising and sorting presents. He is rubbish at it. Why would I not help him?

I don't think you need to report it to them - you have a spare room, someone is staying in it, you're not letting out the whole flat.

Do you have friends? Siblings? Your own hobbies and interests that take up your time? Work, volunteering?

I could be wrong, but the impression I get is that you are resentful that your children have their own lives, partners, children……. and you feel a bit lonely. If so, I understand and I empathise. But maybe impending Mother’s Day is stirring up feeling in you of feeling lonely and unloved. And that’s not your adult children’s fault. They need to live their own lives and you need to build your own future that doesn’t revolve around them. Make new friends, make new hobbies etc?

I have 3 children work full time and live 9 hours from my family and I manage to visit them 3 or 4 times a year.

You seem to be depending on your poor son just because the rest can't be bothered, what would you do if he moved 2 hours away? No one should be too busy to visit their parents especially when they live so close, your other kids sound awful.

Yes he took me shopping, to hospital appointments, helped me if I fell over and took time off work etc.

I think he's probably felt you've been quite dependent on him. Can you get some caring support?

Also you need to let him build his own life with your blessing.
It's hard but it's what we do as adults
They are only lent to us and it's an honour
Let them go and they will fly home

Honestly op as harsh as this post is going to be. All of your children have or are distancing themselves from you. For reasons known to them and likely deep down known to you.

You need to build a life away from them to fill the spaces and to not be lonely.

This is a great idea - even if it's a student who stays during term time, you'd have the company.

Not really. If my dh treated his mum less than I treated my mum I'd be appalled. Unless there was obvious reasons.

I mean it’s not on the daughter in laws mum to be ops friend either.

Three? Children have moved away and barely bother with op. The last child is following footsteps.

I would say the biggest issue here is your other 3 children who live less than 2 hours away and don't bother their arse! I can see why your son feels so down, he has all the pressure and is expected to do everything.

I think you need to speak to the rest of your family, your DIL is not the problem they are!

Agree
Horrible post,