Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Do you drink?!

Why?

Your rang him around 10pm to chat? Yeah in my family that’s an emergency someone better be dead time to call.

And yet again “I’m sure I heard Dil telling him what to say”

no this is the last of your four children who’s had enough of you trying to control their lives basically. The fact you called again to argue Mother’s Day to the one child who actually did care and is now stepping back speaks volumes.

I doubt very much if his response is "because you asked to see him on Mother's Day".

There is clearly a reason why he is talking about getting yourself an assessment from Social Care.
Presumably related to the reason your other dc keep their distance.
This isn't about Mother's Day at all.
If you need as much care as you have suggested on this thread, then yes, you need to think about how that care can be managed.

What was the purpose of the second call, what were you hoping to achieve?

Are you really surprised son & DIL are getting fed up and distancing themselves from you?

Unfortunately I disagree with you, it should never be up to children to be carers there are lots of avenues to get help first. Children shouldnt be burdened with parents at such a young age, help is one thing but being completely physically and emotionally dependent on your child is incredibly selfish. I think some people actually make excuses as to why they cant do things or cant accept help from anyone but their children. But you can absoloutely bet that any relationship like this is unhealthy and built on resentment

If most of your kids only live an hour and a half away, why do you see them so rarely? My in-laws live around 2 hours away and we go to see them every 6 weeks or so and have done since my teens were born.

I think your youngest is correct. It shouldn’t all fall to him, particularly if you need to rely on family for support.

@Nconee What was this second call about? I’m just wondering how you approached it and how it ended in an argument. I hope you are ok, OP, and it’s hard to advise without honestly knowing whether your DC are all quite unreasonable or if you have a difficult relationship with them more because of things you’ve done or said in the past. If you honestly reflect without deflecting to focus on Mother’s Day or anything else, what do you feel is the truth of the situation? What do you think of the advice on here from various people about things like focusing more on your own life, giving a bit of space to DC? And when you do speak to them, what do you think about trying to have open and reflective conversations without blame? Is that something that one or more of them might be open to?

If your youngest son has children, will be OK with him not visiting like you are with your older children.

It sounds like you got an awful lot of help from your son when he lived with you and you are upset that he can't do this any more but you have no expectations of help from your older children and you aren't annoyed with them.

Do you think that your son has spoken to your DIL and her mum about how much help he gave you with very little appreciation and how you are fine that your older children can't help? That may be why they aren't keen to have a relationship with you.

You went and phoned him again ? this evening

gosh !

She was warned not too. Seems like she doesn't listen.

You are being utterly unreasonable and directing your anger at completely the wrong person.

You have an adult dc you haven't seen for 5 years even though they live in the same country ? You have other dc that could drive to you and back in a day, yet you don't mind that none of them bother with you ?
You won't visit them and build a relationship with your Grandchildren ?

So all the burden of caring for you fell on your youngest son? Why don't you expect any help from your older children? You don't seem put out at all by their absence but you are angry with your youngest. That doesn't seem fair to me.

I remember when I first met my partner and our first Christmas together. I have always bought special cards that say mum etc. on them, while buying my own mum one, I bought for his parents too that said mum and dad.

I gave it my partner to give her but she instinctively knew it was me and thanked my profusely as her son (my partner) had never bought one before 😅

Sadly my mum is no longer with us but I always made show they were treat exactly the same, if we went out for a meal with my mum, I made sure to invite his mum too and if she couldn't have made it for whatever reason, we would have arranged another date.

Since my mum passed away, my partners mum has been my rock and treat me like one of her own.

We have children and I would never dream of us not seeing her on mother's day just because we have children. We are both mother's and without her, my children wouldn't be here, she's wonderful and deserves the world. I hope your son and DIL come to see the same in you OP.

But he is right. You have other children yet only demanding ds trends you

I agree with others that it’s not down to your DIL but your DS to arrange your Mother’s Day. I don’t buy anything for my MIL and the fact I don’t like her has nothing to do with my decision. She’s not my mother she’s his (thank god).

You’re looking for trouble.

This is really sad OP. It sounds as though your DS does feel burdened as he is the one who lives nearby but why would he not want to go out of his way for mother's day for you?

You can't help it but sadly I feel your illness and disability is contributing to your lack of contact with your other children. I mean you can technically get a taxi to the station, travel by train and hopefully one of your kids will get you at the other end and maybe you can stay in a B and B?

But if they have small kids that need looking after, I can see why they don't want to add to that.

This is the sad reality and I am sorry for you

Op it's awkward but try and change your expectations.
If he feels your needy and he has already done lots for you but the others haven't he may feel resentment.

He wasn't born to be your career sp.
I would turn this on its head he's done so much for you already and now he's a young free person whose at the beginning of his life's journey. Your the guilty thorn in his side.

Don't ask or nag any more lower your expectations right down, this young man has already done so much for you that older married sons don't do for elderly frail mum!!

I would even after a while send him a card saying, I'm sorry for making you feel you have not done enough I was just sad on mums day, you have already done so much for me and I'm so grateful I feel closer to you but that doesn't mean I shld expect more from you. Tell him your proud and so found wonderful partner etc then leave it and back off for now.

Good luck op

Unfair as it seems, that is life though. Sometimes parents end up having to rely on children for assistance. They dont choose to. Its just how the chips fall. There are children as young as 6/7 who are deemed 'Young Carers', because they have to either care for disabled parents/siblings. It's not fair to berate the OP for this. I am sure if she had alternatives she would have exhausted these. From a pedestrian point of view , yes,it seems unfair , but sometimes, life can be unfair.

@Nconee I am sorry that you are in this position. Difficult as it seems, its best if you try and not expect anything from your son. Expectation can lead to disappointment. No expectation, no disappointment. Your ds has moved in with your dil to be, so he will probably have to keep your dil sweet (happy wife/happy life and all that), so you may feel sidelined a lot in future. He has his own life now, and if he chooses to keep his distance, there isn't much you can do. But , of course it is upsetting. You need to try and manage your expectations. Try and stay away from social media if you can, if seeing photos of them upset you. Maybe try and arrange to meet up for lunch with your sisters/ friends. I would leave him to it. I would not contact him unless I really have to. Give them their space. I sincerely hope you find peace and happiness 🤗 💐

Funnily enough I was going to do an AIBU post today around not buying my MIL presents / cards etc for her birthday and Mother’s Day. My view is that is my partner’s responsibility to sort and he’s her mum. He gets her nothing. I get my mum a nice present and go out for dinner with her (I don’t pay to be fair, she usually insists on at least half!!) I pay for this out of my own money, not the joint account.

So yes I think YABU but interested in views!!

OP now you've provided more background I can see why your son is upset. Communicate to all your children that you'd like a family get together for Mother's Day (whether on the actual day or another) and lean on them all a bit more equally- but also find other sources of support so you aren't doing so much leaning. Are there ways you can help them? I'd apologise to your DS and say you've realised how much he's done for you and you love him, and that's why you were pushing to see him, but you recognise you are expecting more of him than the others which has made him feel pressured so you're sorry.

‘Hi love, I just sorted the recycling and it made me forget that my mother exists. Can you help me?’. Somehow I’m not buying it. Much like men and a token of appreciation for the people they apparently care about…