Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

If you had read all the OP's posts, you would know that she has unreasonable expectations of her youngest son who acted as her carer for many years and zero expectations of her older children who she never sees for Mother's Day.

She isn't phoning her older children twice in one night to tell them how disappointed she is that they are not coming to visit her on Mother's Day but she is doing that to her youngest son.

I presume that OP's DIL is trying to support and protect her partner who was parentified by his mum when he lived at home.

@FanHeater That's OK.I just have a different opinion of this situation.

No,I think they are both to blame for not acting as a team with both sets of parents.

Blaming the dil again. Are you even reading the comments?!

ETA Sorry, you aren’t the OP. Apologies!

I can't imagine treating my mum to a meal,flowers & card & standing by watching my mil receive next to nothing. There again as mentioned before my son & dil treat both sets of parents as their own as did DH & I when we married. There has thankfully never been an us & them, you take care of yours I'll take care of mine situation in our marriages.

My kids are at university. We have a really fun and close relationship. However, they are not in serious relationships yet.

One of my biggest fears would be to become a duty and obligation for them. We spend lots of time together currently when we can because we enjoy it. I have said that I never want them to feel they have to come and see me out of duty, and I do not want to become a ‘job’ for them.

What you describe is my worst nightmare. For whatever reason, your children are starting to see you as an obligation, like I see my parents. It must be so tough with your disabilities. But I really would suggest trying to create some kind of life for yourself independent of them. If they see you as a strong and independent mother, they will much more likely want to come and visit you.

I would be very careful now. It is really important that you do not put any more pressure on your son. I suspect his anger is partly because he is feeling guilty and trying to banish those emotions.

After all that waffle, my one piece of advice is to try and become somebody that your children want to see, rather than a parent they feel obliged to visit out of a sense of duty.

Your son is just continuing to do what he has always done, and his partner is continuing what she has always done.

Agree with this. Reframe it like this and you might feel less hurt.

Unless you think she should do less now for her own mum and ‘downgrade’ to match her fiance?

Exactly. My dil always takes to do with cards & gifts for DH & I & we love the thought she has had input. Our son is involved too. He also takes to do with his mil gifts & celebrations. We are treated equally by them both. When they got married they became a big part of each others families.

You are still trying to blame your son's fiancée for all of this.

You are getting loads of really good and thought provoking advice on this thread but you are not taking any of it on board. I can hardly believe you called him back.

You are being demanding. You are demanding that he sees you on Mother's Day and it's clear he doesn't want to.

I think you should listen to him when he says you need to speak to social services.

I know. Some people have been cruel. Op I think it's good advice to speak to your ds and thank him for being around when his siblings haven't been. Then leave the ball in his court.

Sadly, the youngest or kindest children usually gets shafted as the longterm carer.

I read all your posts OP. Sad.

If anything you should be wishing him well, thanking him for all the support and care he gave over the years.

In fact I'd be delighted he is in a relationship, sadly I've seen it many times, the adult child left at home as a carer, don't often have the opportunity to meet someone and form a loving relationship, you've put too much weight on his shoulders.

Say thank you and set him free, if he visits occasionally great, it's not the relationship you desire but he didn't have the relationship he desired as a child/teenager at home either.

It wouldn't be that difficult for just your kids to visit while they're other halves look after the kids, if everyone coming is too much.

So 2 sons should make the women they made mothers look after their children alone for 5+ hours on Mother’s Day? Her daughter is 5 hours away and also has children. How does that work?!

You need to apologise OP.

If your request, didn't stem from jealousy, it would be different.

You've had a good kicking here, I hope you're okay.

I can’t honestly believe that anyone would ring their adult son and demand to know what’s happening on Mother’s Day.

I can well imagine this OP doing that

Hence 4 children wanting to distance themselves from her

I can’t honestly believe that anyone would ring their adult son and demand to know what’s happening on Mother’s Day. There is obviously a lot of complexity in your relationship with your son, with him having effectively been your carer before he moved out. But you are focusing on one day out of a whole year, a day that was artificially imposed on society to make people buy more stuff. Some people like to make a big fuss. Others are more low key. I cared for my mum for several years and it was tough going. I would have been very put out if she had complained about what I did or didn’t buy her or do with her on Mother’s Day, considering that most of the days of the year were a very obvious demonstration of how much I loved her.

i think you need to fill your time with something edifying that stops you fixating on this one thing. You can’t demand that you are treated equally with someone else’s mother. Your son will run for the hills. It sounds as if he’s already eyeing them up to be fair.

But obviously if all 4 are distancing themselves from her then the likelihood is that she is the problem, no?

Sorry OP but have you considered that they don't invite you out to things because of your health. If your son invited you to be part of the wedding party his day would be spent looking after you. If you can't go out for meals how could you cope with a big get together. I think your children seem thoughtless but this son at least was doing a lot for you. Don't drive him away. Your health issues must have been difficult for him to cope with. That's not your fault but it is the reality.

I would hate anyone ringing me at 9pm tbh. I won’t usually answer the phone after 7pm, as it’s my evening time and I want to eat dinner/watch TV/relax doing whatever. I don’t want anyone impinging on my evening with a phone call.

^ this ^

Your DIL wants to spend Mother's Day with HER Mum. Your DS could spend it with you or otherwise make a fuss of you if he chose to. No need for him to tag along with DIL. Direct your annoyance at your DS if you must, but your DIL has done nothing wrong.

And they will no doubt have very very valid and compelling reasons why they don’t

on the basis of this OP, I would be adopting same approach

Calling late at night on a Friday after you have already had words is not a good time to call. You need to let him cool down. Would you ring any of your other children at this time? I expect DIL was wondering why you were ringing at such a late time.
I agree with him that maybe social services or your GP should be someone to contact. It sounds like you need help at home and also putting it kindly, help emotionally and mentally. I think you have a lot of free time hence being fixated on something minor. Many people have explained to you mother's day being up to their children to organise. Your son always gets you a card and photo frame. You are only unhappy as have seen DIL family do different. That might be their normal.

You also seem to be ignoring comments about how much your son has been your carer and how he is now enjoying the freedom. Your other children could help but choose not to, I am guessing as they know it is hard work and they don't want to be your carer. I think you need to look at paid for care or look at social prescribing for groups you could join so you are less isolated.

I think there’s much more to this than we’ll ever unpick on here. But it’s quite telling that your other children don’t make an effort with you. If they wanted to spend time with you, they would.

I think you’ve been wholly unreasonable calling your son over this, and also you still seem to think the DIL is to blame. It’s nothing to do with her.

You said you did everything for DS, then said he used to take you everywhere. I suspect you didn’t show gratitude for the things he’s done over the years and it’s worn thin. And because he’s the most involved in your life you expect more and more and more.
Rather than blaming DIL for your current situation - which frankly will push DS further away - I think you should reflect on the relationship you have with all of your children and ask yourself why the others don’t make the effort.

PinkArt

when I said random stuff on random days I meant some days I might want different things to others. I work in retail so they definitely know when certain holidays are!!

Agree
One of my friends actually had a nervous breakdown over her mums demanding ways and by neediness
Another relative, after 30 years of similar could her dm off and 10 years on is thriving like never before.
Both these parents needed therapy but sadly never saw themselves as the 'problem'.

So your son's life has changed and he is now working on starting his own family. He has less time available for caring for you. It sounds like he has done a lot for you and it's getting to be overwhelming for him. His suggestion to contact social services is a good one. Find out what other services are available to you that could take the load off him.