DS being picked on at school - AIBU to help him change a little?

The op explained that her son has autism with a learning disability, the advice of ‘tell him so he can make an informed choice’ doesn’t apply in the same way. He could insist that it’s the pink scooter that he wants and still be upset that other children are bullying little shits. The wants and later reactions will be in the moment, its not as simple as explaining to an NT child.

he’s 6, its totally unacceptable to be bullied at that age. I would consider moving schools. You shouldn’t have to be enforcing gender stereotypes to protect him from bullying. My son loved pink too, and glitter, he grew out if it but has always been individual/flamboyant/not bothered what others think. I would be wary of giving the “just fit in” message too strongly at this age. He should be able to be himself.

Tough situation! It's totally fine for a boy to have a pink sparkly scooter - my DS would choose this every time. Sadly, the consequences have to be recognised so if he isn't able to accept and challenge the comments then you have to guide him towards a different choice (maybe a half way house?). Or speak to the school/parents to get them to help support the choice? My DS will generally choose pink & sparkly and I'm totally ok with that but we do talk about it and are more cautious around school. He had a pink water bottle and decided to ditch that after he had comments at school. Good luck!

The bigger picture is that there is a chance he may end up reacting the way he did, after he chose the scooter and the outfit.

Had he been prepared, he may/may not have reacted differently.

He may also have made the same choices but they would have been informed choices at least.

It sounds as though the reactions he got, came as quite a shock because no-one told him about the possibility of it happening.

Small children value conformity and can be vicious to those who are different. Value your DS for who he his, but help him fit in too.

I think it’s a really challenging situation. I’d be reluctant to guide him to what are perceived as more normal choices, as everyone is an individual and that should be celebrated. Yes talk to him about what other people think and how he feels about it to help him build up some resilience. I think there also needs to be a conversation with the school as this is a low level form of bullying and should be nipped in the bud, as it will only get worse as they get older.

Absolutely. You are letting him go like a lamb to the slaughter!

I was horribly bullied at school for similar behaviour. I now know I have ASD, so it makes more sense why I was a little… strange. Compared to your son I will say I was more macabre and spooky, and that was genuinely off putting at points so in some instances I see why kids picked on me, but the things your son is doing seem harmless. It’s a shame kids are so mean. My mum and dad never guided me away from my interests or tried to make me more “normal” and there were pros and cons imo:
Cons: bullied, struggled to make friends, some parents were actually weirdly hostile towards me and didn’t want me playing with their kids on the rare occasions I did make friends (might not be as much of an issue for your son), I don’t have very good masking skills like a lot of female autistics do, so even now people tend to know I’m autistic (but that’s not always a bad thing, masking is just a good skill to have)
Pros: the friends I’ve made are good friends and we are like minded, I have had the same best friend for my entire life which I think is nice. I also felt totally loved and accepted by my parents and family, who always stood up for me, I have a thick skin.
I think there’s probably a happy medium somewhere between completely guiding him away from these things and letting him have total freedom.

Ah this makes me feel sad. DS7 is like this, pink is his fave colour, he is utterly obsessed with pirates, occassionally picks things from the 'girls' section. I couldnt care less, and teach him to be proud of who he is. But I always warn him, 'most of your friends wont - like this, wear that, play this' etc so he can make an informed choice.

Maybe give him the options and reassure that whatever he chooses is absolutely fine with you?

What is wrong with asking child being themselves? A boy can take something pink and a girl blue?

If a girl wanted to take toy cars to school would they be lectured about having to conform

My child, when younger, was given some advice when they younger after that it was totally up to them, even then the advice was practical like not taking something incase it was lost

What do children have to be like everyone else, and who decides what is acceptable or not going by that anyway?

It's a fine line isn't it. You don't want him to have to change himself but at the same time, you don't want him picked on which will only force himself to change anyway, along with the angst and trauma of feeling less than.

I would give him a few options so that he is still choosing his preference, but within a set of more socially acceptable options.

In the meantime work on slowly building his confidence and resilience.

Is there a drama, dance, art group etc he could attend where being creative and less mainstream is more the "normal'?

I made a lot of weird, "off" choices as a child and got things wrong all the time, which I now understand was deeply interwoven with my autism. My parents were very supportive and nonjudgmental. I think a middle way sounds good, OP, as suggested by some commenters. It can be so distressing to be teased, mocked, ostracised... I wish that had happened to me less and I think it harmed me. But I also appreciate that my parents didn't judge me or pressure me to conform.

Yes help him. He's not currently enjoying the choices he's made.

I'd offer him information and let him choose.

"DS, I think that costume is great. But some children might laugh at a boy wearing that. If you want to wear it to school we can talk about things we might say if someone laughed at us. Or if you like you could wear it at home, and we could choose something different for school"

My heart goes out to you OP, this is really difficult.

When I was a kid I struggled socially and I was always making choices that set me apart from the rest. I was picked on mercilessly. But unlike you, my parents didn't care and didn't even see it as a problem. They told me it wasn't happening, or if it was I should be happy about it because it meant I was different (i.e. better) and if I wasn't happy about it then the problem was "in me".

As the poem says, they fuck you up, your mum and dad! I've had lots of therapy and am still not over it in middle age 😭

By contrast you come across as very loving and concerned about how to square the circle between your DS getting on socially and being able to express himself with his choices.

I second what pp have said, about explaining the problem to him, if that's possible, if he is at a stage of development verbally and socially where he can understand the choices he has. Then it's up to him. I would focus on empowering him and supporting his autonomy and agency as much as possible.

If he makes a choice to wear something that he risks being picked on for then he's going into it with open eyes and he can prepare for it mentally. He will be in a very different position than just choosing something he likes and then being picked on out of the blue. If he's deciding to take the risk he can do things like talk through with you how he will deal with the consequences of his choice. After all life's full of choices with consequences.

Alternatively if he chooses to "fit in" he is choosing to make a sacrifice of what he personally wants in order to get on socially and that is also valid. It's all about agency.

If he isn't at that stage yet then to be honest I'd be guiding him towards fitting in. If he doesn't understand the consequences of his choices then perhaps he isn't old enough to be making them on his own. The time will come when you can discuss it with him. But until then perhaps it's like food choices; kids don't generally understand the consequences of their food preferences and that's why we don't let them write the shopping list... Perhaps it's the same with social choices. But this would be temporary.

Wow! This thread is an uncomfortable read!!!! I was just celebrating yesterday what a different place secondary school is to my day when one of our kids went to world book day dressed in a flamboyant and fabulous outfit: They would have been mocked, ostracised and bullied in my day. They had a wonderful day being complimented on their outfit. Theyve had a couple of kids over the years try a bit of bullying and the school have had it sorted by the end of the week. They had no friends in primary school because they are a little different but the staff looked after them and at secondary they’ve found their people and the staff openly celebrate them. They’re thriving.
find a lovely drama group. A good one isgreat at celebrating the individuality of kids.

What is the ‘bigger picture’ here? Put aside what you like and what makes you comfortable to be seen as ‘normal’? What exactly is the issue with a boy having a pink, glittery scooter - what issues does that cause others to the point he has to give this up? The education he gets from this is ‘if what you enjoy makes others react negatively, it’s a you problem not them’. Doesn’t sound like great parenting to me.

I think regardless of whether a child has SN or not, helping them to see the bigger picture when it comes to any of their choices is part of parenting.

That's not changing him, that's helping him to make an educated decision because he's not old enough to do it alone.

If his decision stays the same, then it's time to support him.

I would gently try and guide him, offer advice and pre-warn him that when he’s choosing things (like glittery pink scooters) that some children may have not nice things to say about it.

It’s really tough because you want them to be themselves and be confident in that but other children, peer pressure and bullying can be awful. Year 5-6 were the worst for my DD, even when she chose things (clothing, trainers etc) similar to what the other children had she’d be teased and told they were fake, I’m assuming through jealousy, and she’d get upset. I couldn’t win!

I agree with other posters. Dues to his needs he will not realise how abstract his decisions can be and it is your job to highlight it or simply mention; I have nothing against you having a pink scooter but bear in mind that other boys may find it girlish. How will you feel of someone is going to point out the colour or glitter? If you feel OK with it, I am fine with it too.

I actually had the same thing yesterday for my 8 year old, also neuro-diverse. His costume was not particularly girly or anything but when we got to school all the boys were mostly in football kits or super heroes and I worried he looked babyish. He didn't seem to care though, it was me who worried about it all day! And he doesn't even own a football kit I could have put him in anyway.

I think there's a balance like a pp said, hard to get right.

He is effectively asking for your help to fit in, so I'd definitely share with him what typical choices would be, so that he can make an informed decision on which way to go. Unfortunately, some kids can pull off doing quirky things and others can't and that isn't fair. It's there throughout school and isn't just the ND kids who experience it.

What a shame his classmates are so intolerant of difference. Perhaps the school should be teaching its pupils the joys of open-mindedness. That aside, it seems such a shame to squash his self-expression even a little bit. My DS chose pink and black trainers and to my knowledge no-one has said anything. Can he be encouraged towards self expression in less exposing ways? Outside of school maybe, or with a trusted friend who won't comment on a play date in a way they might do in a group at school?

Woah. I am a bit sad by the responses so far. Yes you could provide some gentle guidance but this is a school and peer issue, not a him issue. It might be worth considering alternative school options too. My child was in mainstream at a similar age and always on the fringes. We agonised over whether to switch to specialist provision but the change in him has been incredible. To see him with peers where he fits in and can fully be himself and be celebrated for this is just priceless. His ability to engage with peers and activities/learning is flourishing too.

Honestly I’d not try and change him, teach him to be confident in his own choices and sod whatever anyone else thinks. ‘Guiding him into more common likes’ is basically just making him mask himself, and as someone with a slight older ASD child it just causes a hell of a lot of anxiety, constantly worrying they’re making the ‘right choice’ rather than what makes them comfortable. He’s not doing anything wrong with having a glittery scooter! I have another child with high support needs ASD, he went through a phase of wanting to wear princess dresses. But he either doesn’t comprehend or doesn’t give a flying shit what anyone else thinks, and that’s how it should be.