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Original poster

Am I in the wrong here? Trying to put children first!

105 replies

Vespa3142 · 07/03/2025 09:22

A bit of background… Partner and I have been together 6/7 years, but known each other for 14. After the first year he moved to my home town (around an hour from his) and we bought our first house. Since then we have had 3DC.

Partner has a very social job and works late (in a social setting) usually at least once per week, as well as at least a couple of nights away overnight stays per month, leaving me with the children, the youngest 3MO. We have no external childcare support from family much to help out either. Partner also has social hobbies, one meaning he travels to another country on average once per month, although in January this year when DD was 1 MO he went away three times. In his defence, he doesn’t have many friends locally and this is his way of socialising with friends, mine whom I see more often and do things with the children etc.

This week DS, (4YO) has been unwell. Partner told me he was going out socially last night, I asked him not to as he is away majority of next week and was also away one night last week (with friends). He said he’d come home after work as usual. At 5pm he tells me no he isn’t coming home he is going out, he’d been drinking since lunch time and got tunnel vision, obviously forgetting he’d said he’d come home, I told him DS is getting worse and poorly.

By 6pm DS temperature has risen to 41.3 and I call 111 to which I’m told to take him to hospital within two hours. I call upon my mum who came to watch the baby so I could take him. Partners phone straight to VM, no messages delivering at all so he has no signal in the pub. I keep him updated with messages that remain undelivered. At this point I’m really quite angry.

Eventually at 9pm he calls, clearly incredibly drunk and not making much sense. We all get home at a similar time, at which point we argue and he is effing and blinding saying it’s the end of the relationship, I’m always on a witch hunt etc etc.

My issue is that ultimately he is wasn’t there when we needed him and I feel like we are always second best to his own plans. He has no empathy or understand how it feels to be relied upon alone by the children. His issue is that he doesn’t get to do enough and feels like I always have a problem with his plans. This whole situation has been somehow made out that I am now in the wrong for being mad at him - every time something happens he manipulates the situation and turns it into my fault.

Am I being totally unreasonable here? I don’t want to potentially lose this relationship and man who is actually a great father if I’m the one in the wrong!

OP posts:
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Weddingbells6 · 07/03/2025 21:33

He is only saying you’re free to go out whenever you want because he knows you won’t / don’t do it. You sound like me when I tell a story, I feel the need to say everything he’s done right etc. I don’t think the amount of time he spends socialising is fair on you. I think going out when you asked him not to is shitty and making out you’re in the wrong is disgusting. I think you’re going to slowly realise he’s a crap partner end mediocre Dad. You would get quite a lot of help benefits wise with three young children if you decided to leave.

DevilledEgg · 07/03/2025 21:25

Vespa3142 · 07/03/2025 10:05

Maternity allowance payments - the bare minimum.

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Without him you'd get universal credit

S18 · 07/03/2025 16:58

He knew you were at home with 3 young kids. One being ill and another being a newborn and he didn’t even bother to check his phone. To then come home and start arguing instead of being apologetic and asking about the child is shocking behaviour. Would you want your children treating their partners like that when they’re older?

LBFseBrom · 07/03/2025 16:09

I am sorry, op. This is such a difficult situation for you with three children, including a very small one, You do need help.

You obviously love your man and I get that he is a nice, fun dad when he is at home, he does his bit then, but he is not home enough and it doesn't sound as though it's all work to me. I mean, even if there are necessary social commitments for work, it shouldn't involve getting drunk.

One thing stood out to me from your posts - you jointly own two properties. I immediately thought, "One each". You'll be returning to work and earning properly again, you could pay someone to do a bit of housekeeping and nannying, if only part time, and have time for yourself. The children's dad would pay a fair bit of maintenance.

When you are once again receiving your own income, you'll have more confidence and be able to suggest this calmly to him. Be determined to put your words into action. It's time you put yourself first, you'll be driven into the ground otherwise.

I'm wishing you all the luck in the world.

Olika · 07/03/2025 13:24

What do you do with a partner like him? He wants to live a life of a single man then let him by leaving him.

Gremlins101 · 07/03/2025 13:09

He is being an ass

Nellsbell · 07/03/2025 13:02

He forgot your child was ill and got drunk instead. You had asked him not to go, he went anyway. Why did he feel the need to get drunk midweek when he’s seen friends regularly anyway. He needs to step up.

Inmydreams88 · 07/03/2025 13:02

He's gaslighting you by trying to turn it around and put the blame on you.

Unfortunately I assume you've let him get away with this behaviour for years if he thinks he can go out drinking during the week, go abroad for "hobbies" once a month whilst also being away with work some of the time. He sounds like he hasn't grown up yet, but I doubt he ever will.

DazedDragon · 07/03/2025 13:00

Vespa3142 · 07/03/2025 09:42

He is brilliant with the kids at home, we spend majority of weekends together as a family. The kids love him and always have fun. He does his fair share around the house, with the baby and DS, drop offs, share of some night feeds, playing, cooking etc.

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So he is a great partner and father WHEN IT IS CONVENIENT!

In other words, one of these people who thinks parenting is like a computer game that has a pause button!

His actions are not acceptable. Who on earth goes out and gets wasted when you have a sick child?!?!?

He owes you a VERY big apology, and if he can't see that he is in the wrong then I'd be questioning your relationship.

arcticpandas · 07/03/2025 13:00

Sadly I suspect the OP is not ready to take in these hard truths and she will maintain that he's a good father because the alternative narrative is too hard to deal with.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 07/03/2025 12:59

He behaves like a single guy with no children.

He's a fuckwit!

Hollietree · 07/03/2025 12:56

JHound · 07/03/2025 11:45

I often hear the expression: there are men who want wives and children and men who want to be husbands and fathers and it’s important to distinguish the two.

I know you are not married but I think this still applies.

It sounds like your partner just wants the convenience of a female partner and wants the legacy of kids but does not want to give anything of himself.

Your are not being unreasonable. He’s a dud partner.

I love this, very true. I’ve never heard this phrase before.

Figgygal · 07/03/2025 12:51

Hes barely there seemingly and you've accepted that until now I'm assuming because you're not financially independent? Or married given the partner terminology.

Rosybud88 · 07/03/2025 12:50

If he wanted to, he would. Sorry, he doesn’t want to be there. For him to throw out that it’s the end of the relationship, I expect that he was spoiling for an opportunity to say this. Start looking at an exit strategy.

MellowCritic · 07/03/2025 12:50

ByGraceAlone · 07/03/2025 09:55

You have pathetically low expectations.

Which he is failing to meet.

Doing the right thing sometimes but then ditching your family and putting yourself first other times isn't a good father.

A good father puts his family first 100% of the time. That doesn't mean he can't ever go out, but he goes out only if and when it's agreed with the mother and works for everyone.
That's a basic tenet of being a good father.

So he's a shit father.

Any father who goes out drinking when he has 3 young children one of whom is ill is a shit father.

Any father who goes away for his 'hobby' 3 times a month when he has 3 young children is a shit father.

Why the hell are you worrying that he's making you feel bad?
Make him feel bad.

Tell him what a shit excuse of a man he is being. Tell him you don't want to live like this and he can either shape up or fuck off.

And when he says your always criticising him tell him he's a waste of space who deserves it and if he doesn't like it and can't act like a real man he can fuck off.

You have pathetically low expectations.
And you clearly don't understand English. If her expectations were low they wouldn't have had an argument. She would have left him a voice mail asking him to have a drink on her... 🤦‍♀️

Lolapusht · 07/03/2025 12:46

When he’s being a great dad, has he organised all of the activities, planned the day out, packed the bags, made sure you’ve got spare clothes, snacks, remembered when DC need to have naps and planned accordingly then tidied up afterwards while planning what you’re all having for dinner? Or does he just pitch up make them giggle then go off for an hour long man poo while you take of everything?

My DH is the least involved parent of all the parents we know (separate thread on its own…we’re probs going to end up divorced, he has an important man job…lots of issues I don’t need to go in to!) to the extent that when he’s not here it makes no difference to my life. He’s booked a trip away at the end of the year for 2 weeks and it won’t matter that’s he’s not here. It’s bad. As rubbish as he is, there is no way on this Earth he would even have gone out if one of the DC was ill never mind not have checked in with me while I took one very ill child to the hospital leaving me to call my mum to look after his other child. That’s how sh*t your P was. Unfortunately it’s a choice and he’s choosing to put himself above you and above his DC. He is not a good father.

Sorry x

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 07/03/2025 12:40

You KNOW you are not being unreasonable at all!!

AuntAgathaGregson · 07/03/2025 12:39

My DH would have been absolutely mortified if one of the children was that ill and he had not been able to support us because he couldn't be contacted. Your partner, by contrast, chooses to blame you. It tells you everything about him.

You need a serious conversation with him about how parenting does involve some sacrifices and that it's simply not fair to expect it to be your co-parent who makes all the sacrifices. He also needs to think about how he will feel when, in years to come, the children realise that he was never the person who was there for them when they most needed help and support. It may be worth trying couples' counselling.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 07/03/2025 12:33

myplace · 07/03/2025 09:43

By ‘great father’ do you mean he is fun and plays well with the dc on the occasions he is around?
Because that sounds like a great babysitter.

A great father makes sure the mother of his DC is happy and does his fair share of supervising the children, looking after the household, and all the corollary stuff like knowing who their friends are and what their health needs are. He can be trusted to supervise them even if they are ill, and to respond to their needs. Not many men manage all this, but that’s what a great dad is.

This. One of the most sensible and succinct things I've seen on MN.

melonalone · 07/03/2025 12:28

I think he’s right, OP - it IS the end of the relationship. Get rid.

Any normal father who had been out for drinks not knowing their child was unwell (which wasn’t even the case here, for starters) would be horrified to learn they were unwell, and would rush home to try and support you and their child. They wouldn’t eff and blind at you and threaten to break up with you during a stressful time. You don’t need this loser in yours or your kids lives.

He has shown you he won’t show up when you need him. Believe him.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 07/03/2025 12:25

He's not a great father. He's not even an adequate father. Why is your bar so low?

Whatdafudge · 07/03/2025 12:20

I had to comment as I do really think he is being unfair. I understand he moved an hour from his hometown so doesn’t have many friends in the area but the amount of social things he does (even excluding work related social events) is a lot for a family with young children. Even being local I can’t imagine you have as much social time without the kids. And then to the point of him going out when you asked him not to. Really if you don’t do this often. I don’t he should have gone out even if the child was ill, let alone when the kid is. Absolutely out of order. And then to shout at you after the hospital trip. Really really out of order! You have just had a baby. What is this. Honestly he needs to be apologising and if not I don’t know how you can see yourself staying with someone who thinks and behaves that way towards you. I’m really sorry this has happened and he has turned out this way. Xx

Smokesandeats · 07/03/2025 12:19

@Vespa3142 It’s probably come as quite a shock to you that everyone here is in agreement saying what a terrible partner and father he is. It’s awful that he chose to go away three times in your babies first month and ignored your calls when another child was in hospital. You haven’t made him sound worse than he is, if anything you’ve minimised just how bad things are.

What do you plan to do?

anyolddinosaur · 07/03/2025 12:17

You had a 3 month old and a sick child - no good father goes out and gets drunk in that situation.

Only questions should be which house best fits your needs with the three children and if the houses are tenanted how fast can you get the tenants out. This is a rubbish relationship, you can do better.

treesandsun · 07/03/2025 12:17

He's not a great father - he is quite hands on when he is there which appears to be not very often. He socialises with work and socialises when he is not at work. He doesn't stick to his word and was pissed out of his head and not answering his phone when your baby was ill and you had to involve your mother - what if she had not been available? He's a selfish twat and you are essentially a single parent with the occasional superdad appearance.