Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

But you are a bit of an add-on. Evening invitations are a time-honoured way of including people you are fond of but aren’t that close to — acquaintances, colleagues, extended family, neighbours. As ever, it’s an invitation, not an legally-enforced summons. Only on Mn is it a calculated insult, ‘exclusion’, or present-grab. Often it doesn’t work for those invited to attend because of distance, and often the couple getting married know that you’re unlikely to attend, they’re just saying ‘We value you’.

When is the wedding?

Never heard of anything like this before. Guests usually are invited for the whole day or evening only. I wouldn’t go

I think it's pretty shitty to expect someone to attend the morning ceremony,then make themselves scarce for a few hours and return for the evening.I would decline the invite or only attend the ceremony or the evening,but not both

As I said, I always wondered how people justified such shocking rudeness and selfishness. As your posts demonstrate, I guess it’s just their innate character.

Edited to say: and if people are still bringing up the gap years later, only an incredibly self centred person wouldn’t realise they are still being twitted about their bad manners!

We weren't prepared to bankrupt ourselves to been seen to be polite.

We had an awful lot of friends and family who wanted to share the day with us and us with them.

Some people declined their invite. If that was because of the gap, then fair enough.

Of the 80 who joined us for the evening do, I can still name at least 25 people, 27 years on, who told either myself or H what a wonderful few hours they'd had enjoying my hometown. And how they wouldn't have missed our day for anything.

Can't believe all the sourpusses on here. Celebrate with the bride and groom in the way they want, or in our case, can afford. Or don't.

It's really very simple. No need to get your knickers in a twist.

It's an invite not a summons
You don't have to go to any of it .
We got invited to a very close family members wedding....
But the children didn't get invited to the food after
We were told to take them to McDonald's
We didn't bother going at all .

I would take the opportunity to go for a nice meal with my immediate family, all dressed up, have a nice time.

I think I would go to one and not the other.

If I knew other friends would be at the evening do, then I would keep the premier inn booking and go to that. But if I thought we would be a spare part (and as someone else has said - all tables already occupied by the day crowd), I would just do the ceremony.

I might even say to my friend, after apologising for not being able to make the evening do, that as I am obviously no longer paying for overnight accomodation, I could put some of that towards a more generous wedding gift, and is there something they are specifically wanting? That might smooth the way and avoid upsetting long standing friends.

I university friend did the same to a bunch of us. We were still quite young (mid 20s). We all ended up sitting in the hotel bar whilst the reception was going on in the next room, and got absolutely ratted. I think we may have only eaten crisps and peanuts! By the time the evening do started we were far too drunk to enjoy it. I do remember (surprisingly) crawling to my bed VERY early!!!

How can you be her close friend if you've not been invited to all 3 parts?

Why does that stupid phrase, "It's an invitation not a summons", get trotted out so often? It's meaningless because there are usually relationships behind whatever the event is.

Every time a daft phrase gets a bit of publicity somewhere, someone here will pick it up and glibly spout it out, often in chorus with others who don't think much either.

Did you get a 'flexible' option on your Premier Inn bookings? If so, cancel. That's what I would do.

Your friends of 40 years could have told you at the outset that this wasn't a wedding (already done) and that it was essentially an evening invitation only. That's what a friend would do. You owe them nothing to do with this 'wedding'.

You can still be friends just realise that your expectations of friendship are not the same and dial back accordingly. Friends... such an easy name but often a meaningless word to trot out.

Yes, this is annoying but I can understand them only having 50 people to the meal and speeches and why you haven't made it into that 50. In our family there would be nearly 50 with just close family on both sides. They probably couldn't afford more or the venue couldn't take more than 50.
You've been invited, you don't have to go to both, though I assume you have already accepted so can't really pull out now. I would have said I'd go to either the ceremony or the evening do but not both.

What time can you check in at the Premier Inn? Could you go for a meal after the ceremony and then go back to the Premier Inn where you could relax for a bit, touch up hair and make up if necessary and then go back for the evening?

This happened to me once. I didn’t realise I wasnt invited to the whole wedding as I didn’t know it was even a thing to invite people to the ‘free’ ceremony but skip the bit that costs! A friend who was also in the same boat told me - we ended up going to a nice restaurant and the pub in between. It was centre of town though so easy to do. I wouldn’t go to a wedding like that again and I admit I think less of people who do this - you want to bolster numbers in the church basically, but save money. If you are happy to go, I’d miss the ceremony and turn up for the evening.

I'd skip the ceremony. The travel and timings are bloody awkward. It's nice that you don't want to cause upset, but to be honest the B&G have clearly not given that much thought to how this comes across.

Evening invites can work if they are planned with the evening guests in mind - travel arrangements, making sure they have somewhere to sit when they get there, a buffet in the evening etc. Personally I'm not a fan of them - if you're inviting someone to your wedding then invite them for the full thing, and set your budget and guest list accordingly.

"Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part."

I voted YABU for this because I really can't stand evening invites, and don't attend them generally. I'm only interested in the ceremony part of weddings, so just because it's your preference to go to the evening, doesn't mean the other 100 share the same preference!

Instead of wishing that, just decide which part you want to go to, then tell them which part you'll be attending. It's an invite, not a summons.

Not that this will help you but might make others think When planning weddings.
When my daughter married she could accommodate 100 for the ceremony and evening do but only 60 for the meal with speeches.
So we rented a room in a nearby pub (it was a posh one) laid on a buffet and drink for everyone stuck in the 'gap'.
By all accounts they had a brilliant time because groups of school and uni friends had a good catch up in comfortable surroundings.
My second daughter had a late afternoon ceremony straight into a party no sit-down meal.

Like some other PPs I had this once and didn’t realise we weren’t invited to the whole thing until we were approx 2hrs in to the 3.5hr drive to get there. It was embarrassing, and really changed our opinion of the couple that they’d invite us just to the start and end, when we lived so far away. We would have preferred no invite at all in comparison really!
If you’re planning a wedding and considering these sorts of invites - DON’T

We were invited by one of my friends to her wedding further down the country (a minimum 5-6 hour drive for us). We were invited for the early church wedding and light buffet after and the invitation said the bride and groom would leave at a specified time about 1.5 hours later. The timing was such that we would have to have stayed over the night before, plus the dress code was morning dress so needed to factor in hire cost for that for DH in addition to the hotel and gift. DH said he felt it was a long drive and expense for such a short main event as it were, but their wedding their choice. We did think about adding another night and making a weekend of it, even though it wasn't somewhere we'd normally think of to go.

Before we accepted the invitation I found out, purely by chance, that other friends and work colleagues had had different invitations to which they had been invited to the wedding and buffet but then also to the formal wedding breakfast and evening do which was starting about 1.5 hours after the bride and groom had 'left'.

We 'regretfully' declined.

They'll already be married so you're travelling for hours to a party?

I'd either just go to the evening or preferably not at all.

I am so glad weddings in Australia are not like that.
An invitation to a wedding is an invitation to everything.
The ceremony, the reception, including meal, speeches and dancing.

You know what? Fuck that! I wouldn't worry about causing offence to your friend as she clearly hasn't worried about doing the same to you!

Your invite set-up is just plain weird - even moreso that the 'ceremony' part isn't even the actual wedding anyway! It's a really rude thing to expect 100 people to attend the ceremony but not be 'top tier' enough for the following reception - especially as there's nowhere to stay inbetween, while you have to wait around in your finery, sourcing your own meal, until you're 'allowed' back to the final part of the day! It's worse than just being invited to the evening 'do'.

If you want to go, I'd just go for the evening, which works for you, like you said. I'd have no worries about telling the friend if she asked.

Ah now for an Irish wedding - your gift should cover the cost of your invite - that's the unwritten rule.

I'd just go to the ceremony and skip the evening. Is it particular to England that weddings are split up like this? It's really odd.