Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

And Nice biscuits are about the most horrible you can get! I'd hope at least for a chocolate hob nob. Though thinking about it, if I was wearing wedding "finery" I'd avoid chocolate biscuits. Maybe a ginger nut?

Well it’s been suggested that ‘but finances’ is an excuse for any degree of poor hospitality so what would you do?

I wouldn’t do this actually - I’d scale back the invitations instead but the poster I was responding to has already said she wasn’t prepared to do that.

I’d see it as less rude than what the poster actually did which was not offer any meal at all. One is intentional, targeted rudeness, the other is a side effect of not being well off. If I knew that’s all broke students could afford, yes, I would be fine with it.

It would be unlikely that’s all that could be afforded though - if the poster could afford a sit down meal for a big chunk of their guests, a church hall and pizzas or subway for everyone would probably cost about the same.

No, you'd just give them a biscuit after travelling for 7 hours.

Nice

Would you not consider that rude to ask someone to travel 7 hours for a cup of tea and a biscuit?

Would you? Be honest now.

Either attend the ceremony then go home, or just go to the evening do.

It's unreasonable of them to expect anyone to hang around for hours.

Nobody got kicked out of anywhere. People were invited to two bits of an event and chose to accept that invitation.

No harm, no foul. But you're determined to take it as insulting so I'm not going to keep trying to change your mind. You seem to enjoy thinking the worst of people, I take the opposite view. And will continue to enjoy weddings I'm invited to whatever parts of it I'm invited to.

Ever heard the phrase ‘birds of a feather…’? They are friends with someone who thinks kicking out half her wedding guests for hours in the middle of the wedding is justified because ‘my daaaay’.

When one member of a friends group shows certain character traits, it’s not a huge jump to think their friends might be similar types of people.

So no, my friends wouldn’t treat me like that but that’s at least in part because I’d never treat them like that either.

Sure. Or its just, you know, ordinary conversation.

"Thank you for coming Jane! You look lovely"
"You look wonderful, did the meal all go well? We popped into Townname and had a lovely lunch at that cafe by the river"
"I love that place. Glad you had a good afternoon. Hope you'll be on the dance floor later!"
Etc. And repeat. Standard chit-chat.

Why would anyone accept an invitation then deliberately try to make the inviter feel bad about it? What kind of arseholes are you friends with that you think that's a more likely scenario than it's just people who've had a nice day and are chatting about it?

Completely agree

Not coordinated the way you are describing ‘right Sarah, you mention it first then at 19.27 precisely it’s Bob’s turn’ etc.

But 25 different people all managing to bring up the same point to the bride (what we did for the multiple hours you couldn’t be bothered with us) in the course of one wedding? There has definitely been gossip behind the scenes and no, I don’t think that gossip was approving.

No meal for anyone - no A and B list guests. Everyone gets the same level of hospitality. If that’s a cup of tea and a biscuit in a church hall, that’s what everyone gets.

There is nothing rude about offering hospitality limited by your means. What is rude is aiming for a champagne wedding on a beer budget and being a poor host to a large number of your guests as a result.

YABU

You didn’t have to accept. Given the travel, hotel situation I don’t think it’s unreasonable to just say, we’d love to come but can’t make the ceremony, see you at the evening do.

As for selecting 50 people, I’d never be able to narrow my side down to just 25. Both my parents have 9 siblings each, I have over 60 first cousins, then add in any close friends or people you really want involved in your big day.

You have no idea what the thought process was on selecting the 50 day guests.

Talking to a friend of about 5 years this week, she was telling me about her first wedding. I knew her parents were separated and she had step siblings but not the full family tree. She had an entire table with her Dads ex-wife’s and partners. I asked why she invited them all and she said well they were stepmoms who were part of her life and 2 of them were mothers of her half siblings. I had no idea, she has 1 full sibling, 4 half siblings and 3 step siblings. Then there were her 2 stepdads she had a close relationship with.

The last wedding I went to, the couple really struggled, they drew lines in the sand on guest lists and stuck to this. It caused a lot of upset, mainly on the grooms side as so many of the family were excluded. I can’t remember the exact number but they easily had 100 at the reception and that as based on a very tight criteria including not inviting most partners. The evening do doubled.

And this is just hilarious! You would organise 25 people from around the country who didn't know each other much to make a co-ordinated attack to a mutual friend on their wedding day?

Just wow!

Maybe see it like they did, as a chance to explore a new town that they otherwise wouldn't have visited, rather than shlep into a hotel venue for an entire day, sleep at a premier Inn, then be on their way home again in the morning.

Or is that just a bit too out there for you?

I think I'd be tempted to just go to the evening in this situation

So give me your solution then. Show you understand.

Very limited budget. About 200 family and friends we'd like to celebrate with and would like to celebrate with us.

How would you have spent that money without the perceived rudeness you've imagined in our solution?

Being an evening guest is rubbish. No food, no free drink, everyone is already drunk when you get there, all the seats are taken, the speeches normally over run so you have to hang around outside, and you're still expected to dress up and give a present and find somewhere to spend the night. I would feel no obligation to go to this.

I think it's more far-fetched that 25 people would be so petty as to accept an invitation and coordinated a passive aggressive attempt to say they were unhappy by saying they were happy. Maybe people really are that ridiculous and awful but I prefer to keep a more positive impression of people in general.

It's perfectly possible that her friends did enjoy it. I went to a split wedding in central Edinburgh once (alone) and had a fantastic time looking around the city in between the ceremony and party.

You mean like the friends she specifically mentioned raising it before hand where her response was ‘if you don’t like it, don’t come?’

I don’t think any of them lied to her. I just think she is so incredibly self centred it never occurred to her that 25 separate people raising the same thing (the gap) over the course of one event were making a coordinated point.

I'm not seeing the selfishness and lack of care at all. And I think it's perfectly plausible a number of people were like me in this situation and happy to enjoy a ceremony then have some free hours to explore a new place then come back to a party.

I get that a lot of people might find that rude but it's just as likely that that poster's guests were also as happy with it and not insulted as I would have been.

You're so certain it's rude that you're the one unable to see anyone else's point of view and insisting that posters friends have all lied to her.

No, that you are never going to accept that your selfishness and lack of care for your guests was noted.

I don’t think I’m the one who has a problem with misreading here but that doesn’t surprise me - the sort of person who thinks this sort of wedding is appropriate is never likely to understand other people’s point of view.

Keep believing that you have a serious problem with misreading?

No worries...I will

I'd only attend the evening do personally, because I find wedding ceremonies boring. I would feel hurt though.

Unlike some I think it's fair enough to have evening invites. I invited along some work friends who lived nearby and they all turned up.
It's pretty rude though to be invited to the ceremony and the evening do, but not the bit in between.