Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

If it's not the legal wedding, just a reenactment, we wouldn't be interested in attending.

I wonder if all guests are being informed of that.

Totally agree @C8H10N4O2

But its quite common for the religious (or humanist) ceremony to be seperate from the legal part - its only CofE/CofS weddings which are legal without a civil registrar to witness or perform the legal part.

I've been to many weddings where the civil part had been done a day or two before and to the bride and groom and all the family the wedding was the religious/social public commitment ceremony - legal or not.

It amazes me the ways in which MNers find offence in a simple wedding invitation. The wedding itself is the most important ceremony to share with family and friends. That is the public statement of commitment and where you ask for the support of your family and friends.

If the couple can't afford the tens of thousands charged these days to cater full meals for large numbers then what is wrong saying "cannot afford a bigger reception but you are very welcome to join the ceremony as well as the evening party".

If its not practical then just accept the evening or the wedding itself. For me, the wedding is the most important part, not the free dinner.

Hi ! This happened to me a few years ago,

My close friend moved down south to be back with her family and this is a 10 hour journey from where I live up north.

I received her wedding invite and it was for the church and then the evening part. The gap between this was 6 hours. I was really confused by this because we had had lengthy discussions over me doing a speech there and she wasn’t having bridesmaids but me and her other friend were talking at the breakfast.

Friend then messaged me to say I was actually invited to the dinner and speeches etc but not DH and DS as she couldn’t justify the numbers. For clarification - Friend knows DH really well and was one of the first people to visit DS.

There was nowhere else you could visit for those 6 hours and the room wasn’t available until 3pm and the ceremony was at 10am.
I told her there was no way we could justify this and what would DH and DS who was 18 months old at the time do on a cliff edge wedding location for 6 hours in suits with no room for 4 of those hours.

The wedding was in a really obscure area on a cliff edge (beautiful and scenic) but with no means of transport so it would be a taxi from the train station which was over an hours drive and total cost for me, DH and DS to go was over £500 for 2 nights with train fare and hotel. Obviously before outfits and gifts, and she wanted me there at 8am to get ready with her so there was no option to travel on the day for just the night part.

We didn’t go and mine and friends relationship has been really damaged since.

If she’s such a good friend, she won’t mind if you say you can only come for the evening. That’s what I would do anyway.

It is their actual wedding. That's when they will make their vows in front of family and friends.

It's not their marriage, the legal bit, but that's a formality. In lots of countries the couple and a few witnesses go to the town hall or wherever to do the legal bit a day or two before, and then have all their guests at the wedding on another day.

Personally, I would be quite happy with the downtime between the ceremony and the evening do and would happily change out of wedding gear to go exploring. My opinion may be in part due to our own wedding, well over 20 years ago...

DH and I were in our early twenties and got married in a central London church. The service had to be in the morning due to a huge event nearby early afternoon so everyone was invited to that (followed by cake, bubbly and photos at the church immediately afterwards) and to the evening party. The party was in a school hall a bus ride away with a friend as DJ, speeches and a simple buffet. It was very casual so some people came in their wedding finery whilst others wore their jeans.

Maybe it because we were all young, or perhaps because our wedding was in London, but no one minded the gap. My parents' friends used it to go sightseeing, various relatives went off for a meal, uni friends met up and hung out together, football fans went to a match happening nearby and local people went home until the party. DH and I, our parents, siblings and grandparents went for lunch at a small, local restaurant. There were 20 of us and we filled the restaurant but it was just lunch, £8ish for a main meal and very definitely not a 'wedding breakfast'! We went our separate ways after the meal until the party.

I'd say the gap doesn't have to be a problem but I can see that if there's a middle bit you're excluded from, the travel and expense may not feel worthwhile.

I would just got for the Evening do. Not much point going to the ceremony if it isn't a real one.
One went to an evening post-wedding dance, and the reception was seriously over-running. We arrived at the correct time, and they were still eating! So we got to hear the speeches AND got some pudding.

Just go the the evening reception 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn't spend time and money to view a sham reenactment and be lumped into the evening do with the rest of the second-class ilk.

Just decline and send a note of good wishes.

Sounds like a pita, just pick the bit that you'd prefer to be at and go to that bit only.

Go to the ceremony then piss off home.

Do you genuinely think they’d want their mums close friend and her plus 3 within the top 50 of their friends and family?

I’m not a massively social person but I could fill 50 with close family and 5 friends when including spouses and kids.

Just go back and apologise that you can’t make the morning but will be there in the evening.

Honestly I wouldn’t ever consider inviting my parents friends, that’s not to be unkind, but it’s not their parents wedding.

Why didnt you only accept the evening bit?

Forget the church/ceremony....its not convenient

Like I said, your choice to prioritise the money over your guests. I just don’t understand why you are claiming not to know why people feel hard done by when it’s been explained multiple times by multiple people in this thread alone.

You obviously think what you did is fine, so why the pretence?

No... I just didn't want my family to pay stupid sums of money. I could have spent tens of thousands on having people at my sit-down Wedding Breakfast. That doesn't make me a bad host. And I don't have those sorts of friends...

I recall this situation with a few weddings when I was growing up, but they were all local weddings so we could go home in between. I wouldn't pay all the travel and hotel costs to do this. Possibly I would just go for the evening, but not the 5-6 hour break in the middle

Sounds like it was a fabulous event. I've been to a few similar weddings.

I'm so glad you had a packed out church. It seems you've got a lot of friends who wanted to wish you well and were more than happy to celebrate with you for the ceremony and then have a ball at the evening do.

Well it’s been explained multiple times in this thread.

You may not agree with why people feel hard done by but I’m afraid I don’t believe you don’t know why.

You wanted a meal and speeches you couldn’t afford for everyone and that mattered more to you than actually hosting your guests. Your choice.

I only had 20 people at the meal and speeches of my wedding. We just explained we couldn't afford to have all my cousins and friends there.

Evening do... No idea how many came. We provided a free bar and free food but with a BYOB attitude. Anyone was invited. It was an amazing evening with loads of surprise guests who wanted to wish us well. We did cut the cake at our Evening Do.

We did give evening invitations which included details of the ceremony and all we're welcome to attend that too. The church was packed full of friends and family and well-wishers. Some people came to both, some only came to the Wedding or to the Evening Do.

Most understood and just went and did something else for six hours. I think my cousins went out for a lunch together. Same with some of my friends. Other guests just chilled out or had siestas. I don't know why people feel so hard done by if they get this type of invite.

Years ago a work colleague invited me and a plus one to her wedding ceremony and to the evening do -in Somerset- I was in London.
Cost of travel, present and at least one night in a hotel for that?
didn’t attend and she was very arsey with me like wtf?
When it comes to weddings some people don’t see beyond the end of their nose

I'd go to one or the other. See them get married and have a family weekend, or miss the ceremony and enjoy the party.

I’d just go to the night do, but appreciate if you’ve said yes it might be too late now.

Bad form and poor etiquette by them to invite you to the ceremony but not the afternoon reception - that’s not how it’s done and is unfair to guests.

I wouldn’t go in full wedding finery for the ceremony if you’re not going to the afternoon reception. Wear smart/casual clothes with a tie for DH and jackets you can leave in the car, and sit near the back. Then that way in the afternoon you can go on an outing nearby (sightseeing, local museum, National Trust place, theatre matinee) then get to your hotel room and put on your party clothes and go to the night do. That way you’ve been able to use the afternoon to do something nice and aren’t restricted by your clothing.