Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

I once discovered my "best friend", of 30 years, true feelings towards me when she asked me to dog sit while her family were at her DS's wedding. This wouldn't have been a snub but my DS lived less than an hour from the venue and she'd invited her "best friends" from school (who she saw once a year at most) to the wedding! Now I know where I stand.

You can get married pretty much anywhere you like in Scotland, there is no such thing as legal venues. As long as you give notice to the District Registrar. The person who marries you needs to be an 'approved celebrant' but they don't need to be a registrar.

We had a registry office wedding (which dictated timings, so there was a big gap)) and then an evening party, we made it clear that while everyone was welcome to come to the ceremony we in no way expected it. Lots of people did come to the ceremony, which was lovely.

i think this couple should have done similar, and invited you to the evening but with an optional “please feel free to come to the ceremony too” so you didn’t feel obliged.

The key bit is "registered" in England, is that the same in Scotland? So some non Angican ministers/priests and some rabbis or other recognised religious ministers have the additional registration as a civil registrar and can do "the double".
However its only Anglican priests who by default are automatically civil registrars and whose religious buildings are automatically legal venues (which I assume is why it took a change in the law for people to marry in stately homes).

I believe its part and parcel of CoE being established (or at least that is how it was explained to us when we married and had to get the blue slips and an approved registrar to witness that the key statements were made within the ceremony).

Has anyone said the legal bits don't mean anything? I certainly haven't and I've been to lots of weddings where the legal bit was done on another day. But they're not the bits that need to be done in front of everyone.

Op - I guess at least you have your family with you. I can't understand how people don't realise how things like this impact their guests though.

There are a number of posts on this thread from people who have done this. They provide an interesting insight into what people who think this is appropriate are thinking.

I had an invite like this, only I was single at the time. It was my friends wedding. I thought when I received the invite, no problem, I would just go for a meal with whoever from our friendship group also wasn't invited to the whole day. Turns out I was the only one. She really expected me to turn up for the ceremony, then when the rest of my friends went on to the meal, entertain myself for hours, while dressed for a wedding, in a city I don't live, then come back for the evening. What's worse I had never had an inkling that she felt less close to me than our other friends. In fact she would often moan and complain about some of the others to me. When I let her know I was hurt by it. She said 'my wedding, my choice'. I responded with 'Just as it is my choice not to come'.

Op - I guess at least you have your family with you. I can't understand how people don't realise how things like this impact their guests though.

This.

As to "ooh it's so common, the legal bits don't mean anything, it's the vows in front of friends that matter..." then why do the legal bits at all?

Something tells me that if one partner won the lottery in the week between the non-meaningful legal bits and the reenactment, or dropped dead, or whatnot, the other partner would be swiftly exercising their rights under that "meaningless piece of paper."

Humanist weddings are legal in Scotland (and I believe in Northern Ireland too) if they're performed by a registered celebrant. No need for a civil registrar.

Agreed. They haven't considered their guests at all here. I wouldn't bother going at all, or just go to one of the sections.

I had a clear out yesterday and binned 6 different wedding services 🤣

So yes, at least 50.

I know it's pretty normal in my UK circle of friends. I can't speak for your circle, as I don't know it.

This happened to me before, I didn't go to the service, and just went for the evening. Generally the service isn't very long, so it just seemed really stupid to go and then hang around. The whole thing was in a hotel in the countryside so we'd have had to go for half an hour, then go somewhere else (a drive away) and then come back much, much later. We weren't going to do that.

50 weddings! Wow.

Well ive been to a fair few and 100% have had everything on the same day. Maybe it's cultural differences?

Definitely a good idea if possible but Premier Inn can be weird on this point. Some apparently let you book it. Others only let you ask on the day and then let you only if a room is ready so you have to show up and hope for the best (the two times I’ve tried have been on this model - neither had a room available), others don’t allow it at all.

I've been to at least 50 weddings.

Easily 75% of those had a legal ceremony a day or two before their wedding day.

One of my friend's friends was excited about their only son and child getting married. She gave me details of their wedding list, I duly bought them some china they had suggested.
When it comes to it, I was only invited to the church ceremony, no food.
I declined. I noticed they had 3 rows empty each side at the church, in the photos.
I didn't begrudge the newly married couple the presents but it all had a bad effect on my friendship. We now don't see each other.
Sad and misjudged by my once friend.

Op, it has been mentioned earlier in thread.

premier Inn does early checkin for a cost of £15 or so. I think from as early as 11am, details on their website.

Best to organise in advance with hotel. Not sure it will be an option if you just arrive early.

Some years ago one of my nieces got married, 5 hours away. Me and husband invited to the wedding, reception and evening do, youngest son ( so cousin, university age) who would travel with us as only invited to the evening do. I know all about it’s their wedding, their choice, financial constraints etc but this did seem weird at the time!
My son politely declined and we went just the 2 of us. We wouldn’t have travelled either if it was just the evening do I’m afraid.

I really envisage the conversation could have been along the lines of:

Bride & Groom - we don’t want/can’t afford a big wedding.

Groom’s parents - what about TobyChestnut & family?

Groom - sorry mum, but they can come to the evening do of course

Groom’s parents - but you’ve known them your whole life! You played with their children!

Groom - yes, but they’re your friends mum. I don’t have any relationship with them as an adult. But happy for them all to come to the evening do.

Groom’s parents - but they’re so fond of you, they’ll want to see you get married!

Groom - they can come to the ceremony if they really want to. But we don’t have the budget/space to feed all four of them. If we do that we’d have to invite X,Y and Z too. We have to draw a line somewhere.

It might have been nothing like that of course, but we don’t really know.

i’s fo to the wedding, check into accomodation, find somewhere to have some food, freshen up, go to evening reception.

I'd do either ceremony or evening.
But I think the way they're doing it is bonkers. The whole idea of the wedding breakfast is to thank and feed your witnesses who are celebrating your step into married life so being told to clear off then come back later is a bit shit and I wouldnt like it.

Ime it isn't common for the legal part and the ceremony to be separate at all.

It isn't a simple invitation. It is a waffy invitation, come for the service/not really a service, leave then come back and fill the cheap seats.

It amazes me that some mumsnetters like yourself would go along with crap like this.

DH has this at a wedding he’s been invited to in the summer! Partners are not invited either (I was a bit disgruntled as we’ve been together 14 years, married for 3.5yrs, but admittedly I’ve never met either the groom or bride), but we also assumed it was all a costs thing as none of his friendship group have had partners/spouses invited. Fine. When he got the invite there was a lot of texting and calls between his friends as they were all confused about what bits they were invited to as I think they’d all assumed it would be the whole thing or just the evening. They’d never heard of a split invite like this, some thought it was an error, but luckily I had heard of things like this and reassured him was what it looked like. It’s not nearby so they’re all travelling and can’t check into hotels till much later, so they have been trying to figure out what to do between the ceremony and the evening reception. They’ve decided to book a table somewhere and go for food (they’ll need to eat as waiting till evening buffet will mean they’re all starving) and then have drinks until they can go and check in and freshen up. They’ll all be dressed up in their fancy suits but there’ll be a group of them so they won’t feel too out of place. Could you do something like that OP? Alternatively, just rsvp to one part of it. B&G would surely just appreciate you coming to whichever bit you can make, and as long as they know for numbers that’s the main thing.

I have had this twice. Both had a huge gap between the end of the church ceremony and the start of the evening do. I attended the ceremonies and then went home. A fair few people did the same.

Given the nature of the ceremony the OP has been invited to, I would just go to the evening do.

The legal bit is the marriage. The vows etc in front of family and friends is the wedding. In so many cultures / countries the former happens with a handful of witnesses on a whole other day and the latter is the big celebration that everyone goes to. It's churlish to refuse to go because it's not the legal bit.

Religious and other public commitment ceremonies are not "reenactments" - they are the wedding where they are on separate days. Not least because they usually include the lifelong commitment and other additional promises beyond the "legal bit".