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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the wedding?

31 replies

Unsurelobster · 06/03/2025 17:03

NC as this could be outing. A close friend who I have known for 15+ years is getting married this year. Not really seen too much of them since they moved away about 7 years ago. The wedding is around 2 hours away and no children allowed therefore would need to find childcare for 2 nights which is the first couple of inconviences. I would like to go however DC will still be young therefore not I’d rather not leave them with someone however I do feel as though I’m abliged to go as I don’t want to upset them. Friend hasn’t made an effort at all with me postpartum (they don’t have children themselves which could be why). I have already turned down the abroad hen do and wouldn’t want to ruin the friendship by not going to the wedding. AIBU?

edit to add also the current prices of hotel rooms nearby for 1 night is £200 but feels necessary to stay over because of the length of the drive and to be able to have a few drinks.

OP posts:
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Namechangerage · 27/06/2025 00:20

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PorridgeEater · 20/04/2025 22:14

VenusClapTrap · 06/03/2025 19:19

My daily commute to work used to be 2 hours.

10am is a very early start, but if you don’t want to stay the night before I’d just get up early and set off at 7.30. It’s hardly the crack of dawn.

As it’s such an early start, most people will leave early. So you could just not drink and then drive home afterwards, if you wanted to.

I was thinking this.

RampantIvy · 07/03/2025 09:05

A 10 am wedding makes for a very long day. I would be peopled out by mid afternoon.

If you want to go I'd bite the bullet and go to the wedding on my own and attend the wedding breakfast then drive home afterwards. The bride probably won't notice if you are at the evening do. After a 10am start most of the guests will be flagging anyway by then.

TizerorFizz · 07/03/2025 08:58

Wedding starts at 10 am so leave home at 7.15 am. Stay for ceremony and meal and then go. I'm assuming this isn't a church at 10 am. So go but leave later in the day. If you don't value the"friend", don't go. I can see why a long day isn't suitable for dc. Have a day out if you wish though and there's people there you know.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 06/03/2025 21:26

You're being a bit ridiculous, with flimsy excuses which says to me that you don't really want to go.
I used to commute 2 hours to work, I drove 90 mins each way for my car service yesterday. 2 hours is easily a day trip.
And assuming you have a dp, you can leave dp with the kids, saving on childcare.
If you feel it's to much hassle, I wouldn't give you're excuses, just sadly you can't make it and send a gift.

farmlife2 · 06/03/2025 21:10

Two hours is one night or a day trip. Can your partner stay with the children while you attend the wedding? Skip the reception if you need to. That way you don't have to be away from the children but are still making the effort to be at the wedding ceremony itself.

You don't have to go though. I never went to weddings without my children, but then they all happened when I had a nursing newborn I couldn't leave for that long anyway, so I didn't feel there was a choice.

Runingoncaffeine · 06/03/2025 20:57

Just don’t go, but no need to be negative about it. It’s someone’s wedding day - your friend’s… and it was lovely that she extended the invite to you. You obviously mean something to them if they’ve invited you despite the distance in your relationship.

Uppitymuppity · 06/03/2025 19:37

Id got for the day wedding/any day time meals etc then leave before the evening reception, tell them you can't stay because you have to get home to be with your children since they aren't allowed. 2 hours isn't too long in the grand scheme of things and it's literally a one off. Alternatively given you've not seen her for several years I'd no longer consider it a good friendship and decline the invite.

Comedycook · 06/03/2025 19:30

Unsurelobster · 06/03/2025 19:13

Wedding starts at 10am hence the need to stay 2 nights

Show quote history

That's even better ..I'd leave early, drive there in the morning for the 10am start and drive back in the early evening...I don't drink so that wouldn't be an issue for me.

VenusClapTrap · 06/03/2025 19:19

My daily commute to work used to be 2 hours.

10am is a very early start, but if you don’t want to stay the night before I’d just get up early and set off at 7.30. It’s hardly the crack of dawn.

As it’s such an early start, most people will leave early. So you could just not drink and then drive home afterwards, if you wanted to.

BirthdeighParteigh · 06/03/2025 19:18

It really doesn’t sound like you want to go…

valder · 06/03/2025 19:15

Do you WANT to go, or do you want to stay home and are thinking of all the reasons not to go?

It was nice to get an invitation. That's all it is. You can decline gracefully (asap though so they can give your place to someone else), with a nice regret card and a gift. No need to explain.

I don't go to weddings of anyone other than immediate family anymore. However I do send a card and a generous gift. No resulting problems with any of the B+Gs. I am relatively unimportant since I'm not family, but I do appreciate the invite just the same.

If you want to go, go and stay one night. If you don't, be true to yourself and send a regret card + gift.

Original poster
Unsurelobster · 06/03/2025 19:14

Ohshutupdavidyoutwat · 06/03/2025 19:13

You clearly don't want to go so why the angst? Just decline the invite, most likely you won't speak again but hey its been 7 years.

Never said we haven’t spoken for 7 years, but we have our own lives so don’t find the time to meet up all the time

OP posts:
Ohshutupdavidyoutwat · 06/03/2025 19:13

You clearly don't want to go so why the angst? Just decline the invite, most likely you won't speak again but hey its been 7 years.

Original poster
Unsurelobster · 06/03/2025 19:13

Comedycook · 06/03/2025 19:10

Surely you don't need to be away for two nights? A two hour drive is nothing...

Wedding starts at 10am hence the need to stay 2 nights

OP posts:
Comedycook · 06/03/2025 19:10

Surely you don't need to be away for two nights? A two hour drive is nothing...

stanleypops66 · 06/03/2025 19:08

2 hours is not that far. Drive the day of the wedding then only stay one night. Can the dc dad not have them?

miniaturepixieonacid · 06/03/2025 19:06

Why do you need to be away for the night? Just go for the day/evening, it isn't very far away.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 06/03/2025 19:02

Runingoncaffeine · 06/03/2025 18:03

If you don’t go, you can say goodbye to the friendship in my opinion.

I don’t know why people feel the need to act so cold and ungrateful to such things. I appreciate what you’re saying about the state of the relationship but it’s almost like you want to justify not going. What I’m hearing deep down is that you don’t want the friendship anymore, otherwise you’d make a bit of effort.

2 hours isn’t far, and I don’t think staying away for one night is that bad in the grand scheme of things, but it’s entirely up to you.

Agreed

Its fine to decline its fine to go.

But the friendship is dead if you decline

Also i dont get the "and i need to stay for 2 nights...." its 2 hrs away which is a 1 night max event.

RaininSummer · 06/03/2025 18:18

Since you will barely see the bride at her wedding and it's a lot of hassle with the children, I would make my excuses unless you would enjoy going on your own and staying one night or coming home. You have ready made reasons why you can't go.

Runingoncaffeine · 06/03/2025 18:03

If you don’t go, you can say goodbye to the friendship in my opinion.

I don’t know why people feel the need to act so cold and ungrateful to such things. I appreciate what you’re saying about the state of the relationship but it’s almost like you want to justify not going. What I’m hearing deep down is that you don’t want the friendship anymore, otherwise you’d make a bit of effort.

2 hours isn’t far, and I don’t think staying away for one night is that bad in the grand scheme of things, but it’s entirely up to you.

SummerInSun · 06/03/2025 17:56

Are there going to be other people there that you know and like? Will it be a fun evening? Chance to get dressed up, let your hair down without the DC and any pressure to get home for a babysitter and then crash out in a nice hotel room, have a lie in and nice breakfast next morning before driving home?

I'd agree with PP that you should leave the DC with their dad (assuming he is in the picture) and he can have a quality dad/kid day with them and you get a nice grownup time with no responsibilities. You'd probably only be away 36 hours or so.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 06/03/2025 17:45

You've barely seen them in seven years, they're not going to spend more than five seconds thinking about it if you decline.

Moveoverdarlin · 06/03/2025 17:45

Why do you need to go for two nights if it’s only 2 hours away? Weddings aren’t usually before midday. You could leave at 9am and get there for 11am. Then stay for the duration and stay over one night.

I’d attend on my own and leave children with Dad or Granny but if that wasn’t an option or the children were newborn and still feeding I’d politely decline.

mindutopia · 06/03/2025 17:41

2 hours isn’t far at all. If you want to go and will know people, I’d leave baby home with your partner and just go with friends if overnight childcare would be an issue.

Or when we went to a wedding when our first was a baby, overnight childcare was not a possibility, but my mum could do a few evening hours as long as not too draining. So we booked two hotel rooms and took my mum with us. She looked after dd for the afternoon and evening in our room and we came back at a reasonable hour (10pm ish) and took over so she could go to bed. That worked really well and solved a lot of the issues of a childfree wedding away.