DD leaving her baby with me

If she does want to be a mother and you don't want to be his guardian then adoption is not an unreasonable suggestion. I think a heavy conversation is needed first

It's not "lots of women" it's estimated to be one in 1500

Of course it happens but in these circumstances, denial and fear of telling her mum seems a much more likely option.

It's very sad for everyone

Lots of people don’t know they’re pregnant until they start having contractions.

I know women who’ve had pregnancies and births before and still didn’t know they were pregnant until they went into labour.

If they didn’t know, there’s no way a 17yo would.

I know..I’m reading the ‘not knowing i was pregnant until 7 weeks before birth’ as another indication she doesn't want to be a parent.like you say its actually very rare, and could well have been a disassociation from what was happening. So sad all round.

that said, this baby need steady and committed parenting.

This is really mean spirited. Shame.

Poor girl- 17 years old and just about to start what is for most a really fun phase in her life, and then she gets this shock. I’m not surprised she’s angry, sad and in shock.

Yea, women have had babies at 17 for a long time but society have moved on.

I was you op 22 years ago. My dd was 15. We offered her endless support as did so many others, but the novelty soon wore off. Its such a hard balancing act wanting to love and support your dd who is still a child herself and doing the best for your gs.

We wanted her to have a life so looked after him so she could socialise and attend college. But it grew to being out all the time and coming home drunk disturbing everyone at 4 am. She was aggressive and argumentative. At 17 she left as she got a rental supported property allowing her to party all the time. She left gs with us. We got a residence order to protect the welfare of gs.

She lost her tenancy and had to return home. The place was trashed. But she was pregnant again. She denied it until 35 weeks. History repeated itself sadly.

I brought her sons up. Gs1 is engaged and buying their new home.

No regrets about the boys but you need to decide what you expect from your dd. I do hope she can eventually step up and be a good mum.

I look.back and think I should perhaps have set firmer boundaries but you cannot force someone into a role they reject. Its easy to criticise but harder to live the reality

Do you honestly believe she didn’t find out she was pregnant until she was 33 weeks?!

It does happen.. I met another young mum who had an even ‘shorter’ pregnancy than OPs dd- she found out 4 weeks before. She was a slightly bigger girl and really didn’t have any kind of noticeable bump. She was on the pill and had experienced erratic or stopped periods from that so wasn’t noting anything out of the ordinary, and just generally being a busy 18-year-old with college, part-time jobs, friends and going out meant it didn’t cross her mind.

I admit I do find it hard to get my head round though- I felt, knew and looked very pregnant for the majority of it so it’s mind-blowing that others don’t know.

And the child is safe with the mother. The fact the mother doesn’t want the child with her is not really SS concern.

Of course they would. She's a teen mum who is clearly not emotionally mature enough to handle raising a child.

Why wouldn't it? Anyone can get postnatal depression or struggle with being a mum

Do you honestly believe she didn’t find out she was pregnant until she was 33 weeks?!

I mean I know you hear occasional stories of similar situations but the likelihood of this being true must be very, very low?!

Either way….regardless of her words and platitudes she clearly doesn’t want to be a parent to this baby. The boyfriend made the decision to walk away from this responsibility but the shitty part of being the mother is that the same option isn’t quite so easily available.

I think you need to prepare yourself for being the primary carer for this baby as your daughter doesn’t seem bonded to him, she isn’t going to step up and I don’t think any ultimatums you make will change that.

I’m sorry you are in this situation OP, I fear you may have a very stressful and difficult time ahead of you.

And what happens when OP returns home to find her daughter absent and the baby left uncared for?

I think you need to get really hands off, really quickly. Stop being so available, stop acting as primary caregiver. DD needs tough love and to realise she is essentially abandoning her child when she ups and leaves and isn’t contactable.

Social services involvement is probably a very good thing at this stage.

So if she's not working, you're presumably paying for everything? Including the clubbing, and the phone? So maybe... don't?

IME, a single day without a phone can have a miraculous effect on the behaviour of a teen.

Maybe it's time you had a new hobby, OP. Or caught up with some friends you haven't seen in a while. That is to say, maybe be out in the evenings more. With your phone off.

A huge thing has happened to her and she is adjusting (albeit not much at the moment)

A huge thing has happened to you and you've had to step right up and fill her shoes as well as yours. Your DD is , frankly, lucky that she's had that as an option, but it has to be addressed.

It's not sustainable or fair on anyone. Not on you, not on DGS who's primary carer should be his Mum, and also not on your DD who isn't going to be adapting and adjusting the longer she leaves it.

I would suggest an agreed arrangement. Something like:

Ok DD. I will babysit two nights a week. One week night and one weekend. On those nights you go out, let off steam etc. BUT we agree those nights in advance so i can plan to babysit, and on the weeknight, you are home at a time and in a state that means you get up in the morning with the baby.

For now, I will give you your weekend night and following morning to sleep it off.

You also have your phone on and are contactable, You are a mother. I won't ring you unless it's an emergency, but if I do, I absolutely expect to hear back from you within the hour.

Be clear that the other five nights are not an option.
Be clear that if she abuses your offer, it gets withdrawn

Then after a month, reduce to one night a week and no morning support

An so on.

Do you think that could work?

His arrival must have sent her into shock and bewilderment.
Having only 7 weeks to get her head around her forthcoming baby, she may be in denial that he's hers and she is his Mum now.
She wasn't ready, and still isn't ready for the responsibility.
Firstly I would contact her HV and GP for advice and also have her assessed for PND
Social services do provide housing support for young mothers, so there may be a chance for her own supportive accommodation

I know advising adoption sounds harsh, but the truth is that your poor daughter was forced into being a mother since she found out about the pregnancy so late that abortion was not an option. So there is a genuine possibility that she will never step up as she didn't really choose to become a parent. She is also probably experiencing mental health issues considering that finding out you're pregnant 7 weeks before, at 17 years old must be traumatic. So you might be looking at your options being either adoption or you taking care of the child, as you cannot force a person to parent. As we can see from the baby's father who just checked out with no consequences!

I think your first step would be to stop giving her money, as she cannot go partying without money. Good luck.

OP, she was too young to have a baby...with 7 weeks notice.

You cannot force her to step up.
I feel very sorry for her and you.

The choices likely are, your rear this baby or look at adoption.

I don't think you should force yourself to give up your life to raise your grandson if his mum, your daughter doesn't want to, or feels unable to.

She is very young.
I have a daughter that age and she can barely look after herself and make tea and a sandwich!

I’m not uncomfortable with adoption. With the exception of SA, or DV, there will be very small numbers of unwanted pregnancies that wouldn’t be addressed in earlier stages.

Im not completely ruling out that the girl may not want a baby (seeing as she had a couple of months to adjust to the fact that she was having one in the first place) but suggesting that giving up the baby as the first port of call is very drastic without exploring other, less permanent options. It doesn’t hurt to speak to a GP, giving up a baby may well do.

Clearly she is completely irresponsible or she wouldn't have got pregnant at 17 in the first place, with no stable partner, home of her own and presumably no job.
Not sure what you were expecting her to do once the baby was born? Have a sudden personality transplant?
Clearly she hasn't been taught any sense of personal responsibility at all by you, and now you are enabling her selfish and immature behaviour by looking after her baby for her and never saying no.
You reap what you sow.

I you want this behaviour to stop, start by saying no to her once in a while.

This!

She’s plenty old enough to know the potential consequences of sex. I was sexually active from 16, but made sure I used contraception, cos I wasn’t ready for a baby. It’s not OP’s job to look after DD’s baby. DD needs to step up, OP needs to put her foot down. DD is completely taking advantage.

And now a MOTHER.
So she needs to start acting like a mother.

I've a lot of sympathy for your daughter, so little time to get used to it and no choice in the matter either with it being so late/ Given one she would probably have made a different decision. 17 is so so young.
I would try to take on the majority of care while she gets used to the idea but with strict boundaries which if she pushes then you push right back.

Probably to you know give birth?

Why did she leve her course? Surely working toward a career would be more urgent, not less urgent, for a teenage expectant mother with no income and no partner.

What is she using for money on these nights out with mates?

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