DD leaving her baby with me

Stop with the hate speech about adoption. It's really offensive to so many of us who are either adopted, have adopted, are married or otherwise related to adoptees.

Please stop.

What about contacting social services for some sort of early help? I know in some places you can get a support worker assigned to you for a few weeks

Report it to social services, I would say. Unless she gets a lot tougher on this kid, it won't be long until she's raising two gc instead of one.

Sadly I have seen this with a couple of friends. The outcome in reality is that the grandparents do not really have a choice other than to step in. and take on the parent role. One of my friends did try the route of firm parenting and being clear she would not babysit and that eventually got SS involved for neglect. I hear the calls for adoption bit few of us would want that for our GCs. It is hard. You pass what you can to DD but in reality can she/will she step up? I suspect not.

Me too 😂😂

OP, it’s a tough situation.

would you be able to maybe book a few nights away and almost force her to look after her own kid?

Realistically, OP is now lumbered bringing up her grandchild. Whether she is prepared to accept that or not is another matter.

I don’t think anyone suggesting adoption is being callous. If she doesn’t want to parent then OP has a choice to make as to whether she is willing to step up. It sounds like the girl is nowhere near ready to be a mother.

This is so difficult, I’m sure you really love your grandchild however do you want to raise your grandchild?
Your daughter is young but old enough to look after her child with some support so you need to speak to her about how she sees the future.
If she wants her life back with little responsibility and you feel you cannot be responsible for the baby then adoption does look a viable option.
Perhaps talking about this with your daughter will be enough to shock her into stepping up to the plate. If not I think a decision has to be made about what’s in the best interest for the baby.

I was pregnant at 17 and am very grateful for the support of my parents. They done a lot with my first child, I lived with them for the first year and whilst I was the default parent, my Mum often helped in the night, gave me breaks during the day etc. Once dc was a toddler I started wanting to go out and socialise, which I did. My parents babysat a lot at weekends, and were effective co-parents for a long time. I’m so glad they did this for me. That dc is now an adult and I’ve had other dc since and was a completely independent parent.
I am glad my parents didn’t have the attitude of some on here, such as calling social services (although I get this could be a means to support rather than a negative) or kicking me out and washing their hands of me. They allowed me to learn how to be a parent whilst still having a life. I appreciate they didn’t owe me this, but I’m grateful d my dc and them have a lovely relationship.

I dont think making yourself unavailable is an option if you want baby to be safe.

At the end of the day, there's a baby at the centre of all of this, clearly your dd is not able to be a parent. Tbh, this situation should've been considered before the birth.

'Tough' love isn't going to change her. You already said she goes out without telling you.. so she'll continue doing that. Or she'll take baby out all hours in unsuitable situations, or leave the baby. Quite frankly, she could grow to resent the baby and either neglect him or take her frustrations out on him.

If you don't want to be the one responsible for your grandson then you need to contact social services who will try and send your dd on parenting support classes and other support if she wants it. If she doesn't then baby will have to go to fostercare.

The only way you will stop being a live in babysitter is when you don't all live together

She needs to get her own place, and then she will have the responsibility of her own child

Of course, I expect you will be a marvellous help to her and this sounds drastic, but it's only when she realises there is no one else to leave the baby with then she will step up

Except she is able to, because that’s exactly what she’s choosing to do. The reality is that her having a baby doesn’t mean that she’s going to ‘step up’ and parent that baby.

Okay, adoption may not be what OP wants, but what does her daughter want? OP may not want to raise her grandchild herself, but she can’t strong-arm her daughter into being an active and good parent. If her daughter is neglecting her child, and OP doesn’t want to raise him herself, then she would be wise to contact social services and look at adoption. Or she’ll have little choice but to assume parental responsibilities.

17 with only 7 weeks to process a pregnancy is bloody scary I'd imagine. Becoming a mum at 34 with a planned pregnancy scared the shit out of me and I'd had 9 months to bond with my baby before she was born. When she's home and things are calm, try sitting her down and making a plan for her to take responsibility for her baby. Maybe you could arrange the same night a week to look after him so she knows she has that time with her mates. But unless she's willing to be more involved, you can't force her. You might need to explore adoption, either you taking the baby on officially or handing him to social services to be placed if you're not in a position to take him

There are teen parenting course and groups, speak to social services about getting her some non family support as this will help her be a better mum. Meanwhile stipulate you will babysit x hours per week and make sure she pulls her weight doing things at home. It's going to be hard for a while but a bit of tough love will help her be a great mum

The baby's father needs to be held accountable. She didn't get pregnant on her own and shouldn't have to struggle with having a baby at that age alone.

They don't have to be a couple, but he needs to be involved in his baby's life.

Quite right too.
Not even for the girl's sake. Just because it's 50% his kid. Why should he get to walk away?

That's a really tough situation. There's no way I'd be telling her to move out with the baby. I'd be really worried about babies safety. A parent who was attached to their baby wouldn't leave them and ignore phone calls, they would know that babies are very vulnerable to serious illness and would want to make sure they are safe and well. She may also just go out and leave baby with no care at all if she isn't bothering to ask you.
You should speak with the health visitor, if social services get involved then so be it. The baby needs to be the priority right now, not your DD. Which I know must be difficult to balance for you as her mum and her still being so young.

How on earth did she find out just 7 weeks before giving birth? And nobody noticed she was pregnant?

How about the father's parents? Do they know they are grandparents? Do they want to help out?

(Many years ago I was at school with a boy who became a father at 14. His parents insisted he did his share of childminding, babysitting etc. so the girl could continue having some teenage social life, time to cope with school work etc.)

She wouldn't be living with her mum and able to just dump and run!

In theory she could dump and run on her husband but I sincerely doubt it would be considered to be anything but a serious concern for the safety of the baby if it happened often or if anyone found out. The DD is doing this because she sees this as her mum's responsibility not hers.

Absolutely.

It absolutely doesn’t happen to “lots of women”.

I doubt it’s a coincidence that an unknown pregnancy occurs and the woman (well, girl) happens to behave like the OP’s daughter is, which is to show no interest in the infant or being a parent.

It’s far more likely that the daughter knew from very early on that she was pregnant but didn’t tell anyone because she didn’t want to face the reality of it, which at 17 is completely understandable.

As you said, it’s all a very sad situation.

I think that that is a bit harsh to the OP. Finding out 7 weeks before the birth doesn't really give time to make plans and impress on her that if she is keeping the baby she is responsible for looking after that baby. If fact it is long after she could make any choices. I know nothing about how social services would view it but from what a prior poster says they may be able to help. I would also have a very strong conversation about how if she doesn't start pulling her weight she will end up having to look for her own place and do everything herself.

Ring social services.
She is absolving herself of any responsibility for this poor baby, but wil continue to do so while you step in.
She needs a wake-up call.

Well sometimes reality isn't what you want it to be.

She's not going to be able to drink and party like all her friends, she's got a newborn baby.

Babies don't just appear by immaculate conception. When a woman has sex, she knows there's a chance of getting pregnant, whether she's contraception or not.