DD leaving her baby with me

It makes me so angry when there are so many women desperate to have a baby and for one reason or another can't. And then there women like OP's DD who have a child they don't value and can't be bothered to look after because going out socialising is more important to them than the life they brought into this world.

And similarly this poor child's father can't be bothered with the life he was happy to create when he had sex. It's just so easy to walk away from responsibility.

Please OP if your DD can't be bothered with her own child do the decent thing and get social services involved with a view to giving it a good life in an adopted family.

7 weeks before Christmas is the first of November, not mid-late September.

How is she affording to go out?

She started college September. Found out pg a few weeks in and had baby 7 weeks later before Xmas.
She may have been doing a course unsafe to do when pg or perhaps just shell shocked. Some people go on maternity leave at 33 weeks. It sounds like she agreed with college to drop out and restart when baby 8/9 months which would seem a sensible plan.

Apologies if you’ve already covered this, but make sure she’s on contraception.

@AuntAgathaGregson

I find that extremely far fetched.

Plus why did the girl quit school in September if she "didn't realize" shexwas pregnant till early November??

The poor poor baby: a father who doesn't want to know and a mother who doesn't give a damn.
Adoption would be best for the child with a family who actually wanted a baby and were interested in it and would give it a loving and supportive home.

How could OP realistically make any plans? Neither she nor her DD knew about the pregnancy till 7 weeks before the baby was born. She could not tell her daughter what to so

The first posters suggestion wasn't ludicrous. You don't want to parent him ( neither would I in your situation) and she is too immature to. He is thr priority here. I'd speak to her and see what it is she actually wants to do and then go from there. Best of luck as it sounds like a tough situation all round.

If my kids at 17 had gone out at 3pm and not come home all night and not answered their phones, I'd have called the police. Where on earth was she?
How did YOU not realise she was pregnant until she was 33 weeks? Do you not buy her sanitary protection? Do her washing? Did you notice her body changing?
I'm sorry to be negative but it seems like a lack of supervision/ interest could have allowed her to end up in this situation in the first place.

If she has been allowed such unfettered freedom before then she is unlikely to stop now.
I think you might need to resign yourself to beig primary carer for the foreseeable future.

Either she looks after him or put him up for adoption. Sounds like she didn’t really get a choice on whether she wanted to remain pregnant or not. You just need to give her a reality check.

if she’s keeping him she need to step up. Star going out so she doesn’t have a choice to stay home. But seriously have a conversation about wether she wants to be a mum.

of she does, support her. If not she has options.

My daughter had her baby at 17. She couldn’t cope so me and her dad stepped in. Took over looking after the baby completely and let my child grow up. I now have the best ever relationship with my daughter and the best ever bond with my grandson. My daughter has completely stepped up and is an amazing mum to her boy.. but when babies have babies the adults need to step up. Enjoy it. There is no better feeling :)

What a ridiculous comment!
Adoption would actually be one way to meet all of this babie's needs. Not the only way, but certainly a very good option.

When you breastfed, did vinegar come out?!

Would you be able to speak to you grandson's Health Visitor, or have a conversation encouraging her too? From what you're saying, it sounds like she could be having some difficulties with building a bond with her baby, particularly as she didn't have the usual amount of time during pregnancy to do that prior to his arrival. Where I live, the Health Visitors could help with finding some support for your daughter. There are groups out there for young parents to meet and chat, early years workers who can help with bonding and attachment...none of this has to be a social services issue at this early stage. Just want to say that your daughter and grandson are lucky to have you. You are a huge protective factor for both of them at the moment and I hope that your daughter is able to find some support, as she gets to grip with young motherhood.

Well said, @MadinMarch

Clearly the baby would be better off adopted by a stable couple.

Poor little mite.

It sounds like you are the one saying no to adoption, in which case its your responsibility to raise the child. Is adoption what your daughter secretly wants and youre not letting her consider that option? If you are absolutely sure you dont want to raise the child yourself then allow him to be raised in a family that does want him

As another poster has said above, please be very careful before inviting social workers into your case. Having worked with many families in vulnerable positions, I have seen first hand where families have reached out to social services for help and ended up having their children removed and not received the support they asked for. In many cases social services is not the supportive network you would expect, so be careful.

I agree with this. All options need to be on the table for discussion, even if it's to rule out adoption. Having said that, adoption could be a very good decision for baby in the long run, and better that it happens as a young baby than as a toddler or older.
The focus of everything needs to be what is best for the baby in the short-term and in the long term. Babies mum's needs come second I'm afraid, although she should be having help and support in her own right, such as counselling.
Babies mum is clearly not stepping up to the parental role currently. She has to make a definite choice and act accordingly.
OP has to decide whether she can make a long term commitment to baby and get the legal situation sorted out so it is clear who makes the decisions re grading the baby going forward. If Op is doing all the parenting, you don't want her daughter to be in a position a few years down the line to just up and leave with the child if she decides to hitch hike to Outer Mongolia or move in with an unsuitable partner etc etc.
I think OP needs to be really firm with her daughter at this time, and read her the riot act whilst still being empathic towards her daughter's situation. The first thing would be to negotiate is when she can go out- maybe with op babysitting twice a week? The second condition would be that she ALWAYS answers her phone to OP when she is out.
I think some social services involvement for support and supervision too, at this stage could be a positive thing.

I think the people getting angry at the adoption suggestions aren't considering the life this child could have.

A young mother, no assets or prospects, who is prioritising going out all night drinking with friends over her baby, and worse, not even checking in or letting people know that is what's happening. A completely absent father. A reluctant grandmother who doesn't want to let go or step up 100%, but understandably hopes in vain for a miracle that her daughter will suddenly stop being feckless.

Love can't solve those problems.

I would be very worried about a child who wasn't his reluctant mothers priority, who was an inconvenience from birth. They tend to be the children who end up abused by their mothers, or their string of new boyfriends.

I've seen too many situations like this end badly. Adoption isn't evil, for some children it can be a lifeline out of poverty, neglect and a chaotic household.

Does she have a social worker? In the sense they may be able to recommended groups for young mums.

I don’t know why people are angry about pp suggesting adoption. She’s abandoning her child without informing anyone and ignoring calls to return. OP you can’t make her be a parent. She’s not taking no for an answer, and you are going to keep being left holding the baby. So there’s not many options, one is OP accepts that she’s going to have to take on a primary parental role for the foreseeable, and keep working on daughter to accept responsibility. Hopefully DD will grow up in the next few years and take over. Or if OP can’t do that then DD needs to have her options spelled out, move out and do it alone, if she can’t do that then she has some hard decisions to make.

A very difficult situation
The child needs a parent and if his mother can’t/won’t do it then his grandmother has to take on the responsibility failing which the child should be given up for adoption
I suggest counselling/therapy

The poor little boy, what a crap start in life. A 17 year old mother who doesn't want him at all, has no money or job and leaves him all night to go clubbing and a dead beat dad who doesn't want to know. Enabling him to have a life with a financially stable couple who are desperate for a baby would absolutely be the kindest thing to do and would be in the best interest of both the baby and OP's daughter.

I do really feel for OP's daughter, what an awful shock to find out she was pregnant at the end of the pregnancy and have to prepare for and endure childbirth for an unwanted baby that she possibly would have terminated had she found out earlier. She is a child herself and clearly isn't bonded to this baby, she should be given a 2nd chance of making something of her life rather than raising her child reluctantly in poverty. I don't think OP should make her daughter live independently, there's every risk she will leave the baby alone at home whilst she goes out.

Considering she didn't know until 7 weeks before birth she didn't have much choice with this. I would personally agree set days and times you will babysit, give her a reasonable amount of time if possible, and whilst she's got baby try to work on building their bond. Lots of praise about how happy DS is with her, how great she's doing, talking about fun things her and DS will be able to do as he gets a bit bigger to build some positives
I would imagine most 17 year olds would be in shock and feeling very trapped and hopeless in this situation, it's presumably not the life she had planned.