DD leaving her baby with me

Nowhere have I said that what ops dd is doing is OK. I've said there needs to be intervention work and social services need to be involved. But it's very unfair to compare someone who had 7 weeks notice at that age that they were about to become a parent with other young parents. Most secure and capable adult women would find that incredibly difficult. So I think it's very early on to be saying that her behaviour alone is enough to say she doesn't want to be a parent. She's not coping, she's not adjusting well to her responsibilities and too much is being left to op, but- 7 weeks notice before going through labour and becoming a parent plus a breakup and being left to it as a single parent at that age? With none of the antenatal support you're supposed to get, none of the time to plan or prepare or bond with your baby? Having to drop out of education and worrying about the impact on your relationships and the judgement you get from other people? I think we can agree that's a hell of a lot for any young person to take on and puts her at a much higher risk of pnd so I think she deserves a little more sympathy than she's getting on here. She's probably still absolutely reeling from how much her life has changed. She needs support and time to deal with that and THEN she can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to continue to parent. Op needs proper support and guidance not being told that adoption (which isn't even in ops control as its not her child nor is it her place to convince her dd to give her child away) is the best kindness.

@Namechangean i don’t think anyone on this thread thinks this poor little boy has been dealt the best cards in life. The care his mother has been giving him is based on what the OP has said definitely not what he needs.

As no one can change the first few months of his life however the question is what would be most likely to give him the best outcome in the end. For children who cannot stay safely within the family, adoption is without doubt the next best thing and most adoptive parents do a fantastic job.

But the research is unequivocal that children taken from their parents do suffer a trauma response and the outcomes for adopted children are statistically much worse than for non adopted children (and this goes back to the days before most children being put up for adoption having been forcibly removed having witnessed terrible things or being born with alcohol or drug addiction)

Therefore IF the OP can give the child a loving home, with the birth mother a part of his life, then this is likely to result in a better outcome than him being removed and placed with strangers whether or not it’s an open or a closed adoption. This is because for his first 3 months, the OP has been a significant caregiver for him so he will have an attachment to her as well as to the birth mum.

If the OP can’t, she can’t. And if the mum can’t or won’t, and the older sister and other relatives also can’t, then the only option is for him to go to strangers. But that should be seen for what it is - a second best option not the best thing for him.

Currently the DD is neglecting her baby, if OP wasn't in the picture SS certainly would be

to be fair you’re projecting her based on your own experiences, the OP describes a 17 year old who is abandoning her child without informing anyone and leaving the house for hours on end and ignoring phone calls. She certainly sounds like she’s struggling to be a mum and take on responsibility.

Being raised by your own family is so important to a child’s identity but if OP can’t commit to taking that responsibility while her daughter is refusing to, then her daughter has a hard decision to make. But someone has to take real responsibility for that baby. Being passed from reluctant pillar to reluctant post its whole life will also be very traumatic.

thats doesn’t mean that all 17 year olds are unable to be good mums. My 17yo niece has just had a baby and she doesn’t leave her baby with anyone. She’s so happy to be a mum. This 17 year old doesn’t sound like she is

Op says says novelty worn off and she’s out frequently so it doesn’t sound like the dd is wanting to be a mum.
They need support as a family to see if it is temporary and daughter wants to do it with support or if alternative parenting is going to be needed for baby.
Lots assuming Op could just step in and care for him. Even if willing to be a parent again at her age it may not be possible financially and that’s something Op will need to explore. I had a neighbour who received money to foster her son’s baby as her teen son and gf couldn’t care for baby but she needed income as neighbour was single mum to other children.

Where in any of this have we been told that ops dd doesn't want her child?

My sister was a 16 yo single parent. She got her own place, got a job, put herself through a degree and is not in poverty. I'm a single parent. My son is not growing up in poverty. The ONLY reason you're assuming that an older wealthier couple is better for this child is because of the stereotypes around young mothers and single mothers and let me tell you that your judgement is part of the problem not the solution.

You're right that so much of development is dependent on the early years. The trauma of losing their mother and granny would be very significant in the early years. It could significantly impact this child's ability to form healthy attachments. Also just because someone is wealthy, older and in a couple does not make them good parents. Being desperate for a child is nothing to do with adoption and actually prospective adopters need to be able to show that that is not their motivation. Ops dd is 17, with only the support op has provided so far and has been parenting for roughly a whole 3 months without all the antenatal preparation that most people have. She deserves a fucking chance not people judging her and calling for someone to swoop in and take her child off her. It's ludicrous that people are seriously suggesting it. There's not a social worker who would do it, and it wouldn't even meet the legal threshold for the child to be removed and for good reason.

All other things being equal (and OP being willing) the best thing for the baby would be for the mother to continue living with the OP and for the baby to be brought up in the family unit with tapering support until the mother is able to look after him in the way he needs.

if the OP isn’t able or willing to do this (and that’s a valid choice on her part) the second best option is for the daughter to relinquish the child. But that’s a poor second best and the OP can’t force that decision. The daughter will have to make it of her own volition and if she doesn’t the OP would have to go down the route of reporting her child to SS for neglect and have them start the process of removing the child against the daughter’s wishes which is unlikely to happen overnight.

Because your daughter realised (or admitted to herself) that she was pregnant so late the choice as to continue with the pregnancy was taken from her however has anyone actually sat down with her and asked her what SHE wants

It sounds like you are against the idea of adoption so she may not have brought it up.

If she doesn't want to be a mother (and she needs to understand this is permanent - she can't say she doesn't want to bring him up for a few years and then have him back - thats not fair on the baby) then you both have some hard decisions to make - whether that is you get a special guardianship order and you become the day to day parent bringing him up, or whether he is placed for adoption. (or that he goes to the paternal side of his family)

What is currently happening is not fair to any of you, especially the baby, but you can't make her become a doting mother who wants her child if thats not what she wants

In poverty as a single parent who is still a child herself and doesn't want him? This is not the best thing for the little boy! The best outcome would be him to be adopted by a couple who are desperate for a baby, are financially stable and ideally with a male role model. So much of essential child development is dependent on the early years, OP's daughter's disinterest could have an effect on his attachment and could be incredibly damaging.

@CustardCreamsfortea when you had the appointments with the teenage/vulnerable midwife, what did you agree to do? In the absence of you saying that you would step up, they usually refer to SS. If you have made promises and there's been support rejected because of that, then that's unfair. While she is under 18, is the time to see what's available. There will be pastoral and practical support at the college.

Phew, that's a relief. I didn't think you'd want your grandson to go to another home, nor do you want to turf out your daughter, even temporarily.

I think your daughter will shape up if you set some firm guidelines and stick to them. She is very young. Things will improve.

You're a great mum.

As harsh as it sounds, what about contacting children's services and speaking to them about a possible mother and baby foster placement.

They will keep them together but will mentor your daughter on how to be a good mum.

This may be what she needs for now!

Alot need to happen to sort this out

Involve children services, they don't look to split families but can help in terms of conversations and support.

DD may need counselling to understand how she feels and face this.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation, she decided to become the primary carer (at 55) and has gone through official routes with help from social services to get a parental guarandahip court order so she can make decisions for the dgd. Her Dd is still there but sees the child as more like a sister but wil care for her and take her out if needed.

She will be clinging on to her old life, trying to be like her friends and is probably struggling with her new responsibilities. Rather than withdraw help, maybe you could set some boundaries like DD you bath him and put him to bed then if you want to go out on certain set nights it’s fine. She’s still a kid even if she now has one.

I can understand how going through such a painful trauma of your own, with such cruel treatment from the people who should have supported you could make it very difficult to empathise with ops dd who is in a very different situation to the one you found yourself in. At the same time, in my own personal experience I was born to someone who experienced significant ptsd and pnd and who really struggled to parent me appropriately as a result so I know exactly what it's like to be raised by someone who doesn't want you and I wouldn't want that for any child. But I've also worked with many young women who struggled initially but who, with the right support, were able to bond with their babies and become wonderful parents. I also watched my sister do it at 16. If ops dd has the will and engages with the right services then there's no need for this baby to be adopted. Plus we now know that children who are adopted even from birth can have very complex feelings about it, it has an impact on long term mental health and even infants removed at the moment of birth can have issues with disordered attachment. I've also worked with many family's where children have been placed at birth but the adoption ended up breaking down. It seems like a kindness but to suggest it as the 'only' solution or the "best outcome" as so many have on this thread is misinformed and very unfair to op who is asking for actual help and guidance. If her dd doesn't want to continue to parent that's one thing, but actions and feelings can be two different things so we really don't know how she feels about her child. And it really is really days and there's a lot of support available that hasn't yet been utilised.

I'm from the generation when having a child out of wedlock was considered a social stigma.
So when I got pregnant as a single young woman living at home I was pressurised into saying I would have my baby adopted. My parents told me they would never allow my baby into their home.
I went into labour prematurely and I had to tell the hospital staff that my baby was to be adopted because it was normal to take the baby away straight after birth. So the staff treated me very unkindly during the birth because they assumed I didn't care about my child.
But I cared very much. So when he was delivered I was devastated at the thought of losing him and could not give him up. We were sent to a Mother and Baby home to a city some distance from my home. My baby was never adopted but he died at 3 weeks old because he was premature and his lungs weren't formed properly.
So actually I do have some knowledge of trauma and adoption. But I find it hard to have sympathy with this young woman, whose mother is willing to support her, because she is not bothering about the welfare of her own child. I fail to see how her child being adopted could be traumatic for her if she is not demonstrating that she wants to actually be it's mother.

What does the daughter want though?

It cannot be assumed that she’ll ’come around’ to being a parent.

Surely nobody seriously thinks this little baby should be adopted? The op wouldn't want that! The girl just needs more maturity and that will come with time and patience.

Trauma for the child, the mother, for op. And if you're wondering why I think this I work with young people who have been adopted and their families. It's not a fix all like some seem to think it is, it's really complex. I absolutely agree what's best for baby is paramount that goes without saying - but this situation is a child learning to raise a child after a pretty brutal life experience and at this stage pp quite possibly affected by pnd. They need support to step up and parent the way baby deserves not people immediately clamouring for adoption and saying she clearly doesn't care about her child. That's why I'm saying the best outcome here, is ops dd does what she needs to do and baby stays with their family and are safe and cared for. That requires support, hard work and time.

Trauma for who?
For the child ? For the mother?

Op is prepared to support her DD in looking after the baby. But the child's mother is abandoning her baby to go out and socialise so it is clear she is not interested in the welfare of her own child. If she doesn't want her child adopted then she has to step up to her role as mother.
What is best for the baby has to be paramount.

Also just to point out for all those crying out to have this child adopted- adoption is still a trauma regardless of the circumstances. The best possible outcome here is that ops dd is supported to step up, bond with her baby and parent the way the baby needs her to not further trauma for all involved.

Jeez op that's a toughie.

I would imagine that finding out you're pregnant at that age then navigating your relationship ending (which are all consuming at that age) and then 7 weeks later you're holding your baby is just a hell of a lot to get your head round and probably actually quite traumatic and isolating. So my view would be towards still trying to support her where possible. I would be questioning her mental health to be honest, it's possible she's got PND and is avoiding everything instead of facing it. Some counselling might also be beneficial for her just in processing the major life changes she just went through, she must feel really out of control of her life right now and may not know how to express that. You must be around 3 months in and it can start to manifest at this stage and she would be at higher risk for it.

I also am wondering about how you're finding out she's left the baby in your care without you knowing about it. That is really worrying in terms of consistency of care and the risk of baby being left home alone so I think I would be involving social services to try and mitigate that risk. She needs more support services around her and social services can make do some mediation work/ family conferencing and help create some more structure to the support you're offering and a bit more accountability. They might be able to refer for counselling and specialist support for young parents as well. My sister had dn at the same age and she found it really hard to "keep up" with friends because they were all starting to go out more and do things weekend and evenings and move away and she couldn't do those things and they didn't understand why. So she may be feeling a lot of pressure to maintain her friendships etc. She's still trying to act like a 17 yo.

I would be looking to get the support in place first, then when she's 18 look into her own tenancy so those supports can follow her. I wouldn't be moving her out until you know she can take care of baby alone.

Grim isn't it.
Anyone would think we had no contraception these days..

And wait for good knows how long?

I asked that earlier; no response. A 17 year old staying out all night with no repercussions is also not the norm.